The Blame Game. Do you Really Want to play?

The Blame Game. Do you Really want to play?

When I wake up in the morning I often lie there for a few minutes. I'm still in a dreamy state at that point, and I'm very receptive. Something special usually comes to me. I was waiting with my eyes closed, and I envisioned a snake going around a sun-like circle. This reminded me of a story I once read. It goes something like this:

There was a turtle was standing by a river bank and a venomous snake slithers up to him. The snake needs to cross the river, and he thinks maybe he can persuade the turtle to piggy back him across. The snake says to the turtle “the river is too high for me to crossssss, would you pleasssse pleassssse pleassssse carry me over?” The turtle replies “you're a snake, I don't know if I can trust you.”

“Of coursssssse you can trust me” replies the snake. “If I bite you then you will die, and I too will drown. I promise I'll keep my fangssss all to myself.” The turtle reluctantly agreed. The snake crawled onto the turtle's back.

With the snake on top; the turtle slowly walked to the river's edge. He began to swim. The snake seemed to be on his best behavior. The river was very wide, and the turtle was very slow. The journey seemed to be going swimmingly. Until the turtle felt pressure around his shell. Then he felt a stabbing pain in his neck.

“You bit me. Now we both will die” the turtle said as he turned his head toward the snake. “I couldn't help it. I'm a snake. It is my nature.” The turtle began to feel the poison and his legs would no longer move. The snake and the turtle never made it across.

You can't blame the snake for being a snake, and you can't blame a person for being human. We all do and say things that aren't always in our best interest. Sometimes our poison comes out. There's no need to blame anyone for anything, or blame ourselves for the things we've said.

We all have fears. Sometimes our fears are shown on the outside as anger. If the turtle would have gotten angry and started blaming the snake for what happened; it wouldn't have helped the turtle. The turtle accepted his situation. If you feel rejected by someone, or they said something mean to you; it doesn't do you any good to take it personally. But of course, if you are in harms way, get out of there.

I have learned respond and not react. If someone says something nasty, I don't take it personally. I've been with guys who became afraid, responded in anger because they didn't know how to handle a situation.

Blaming the other person doesn't work, because you give away your power, and you become a victim. Blaming may result in feelings of wanting to change the other person, and not yourself. Reacting in anger doesn't work, because you're just feeding the fire. Stuffing down your feelings doesn't work either, because you start blaming yourself.

Dr Wayne Dyer says "All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won't succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy."

Steps to Quit Playing the Blame Game

1.Take a deep breath
2.Listen to what your body tells you. Are the feelings in your chest, stomach or your lungs?
3.What feelings come up for you? Pay attention to them.
4.Completely feel the feelings.
5.Look at the other person. Imagine where they are coming from
6.Tell the person your feelings without blame.
7.You can start a discussion if you both feel comfortable or set up another time to talk about it.

This will take practice. You can practice this with any of your relationships. I was working with a woman recently, and she was very controlling with everyone around her, including myself. I began to feel extremely angry. I didn't let her behavior overwhelm me, but I did want to bite her head off. I let these nasty feelings come to surface and fully felt them. They were uncomfortable, but I needed to let them process. I let her know that she couldn't push me around and I stood my ground, but I didn't yell or lose control, even though I felt like it.

I let the feelings process inside myself so I could respond in the same way as the turtle. In a way that communicates maturity, wisdom and emotional control. If I would have blamed her, it would have ended up being a very long day.

After I processed these feelings, I really saw her, and could see her pain. I could even feel her pain. I didn't take her pain on as my own, because that wouldn't do her or myself any good. I knew she was hurting, and I could see where she was coming from, and I didn't blame her for acting like a snake.