I received a request for dating advice from a reader in my inbox the other day, and really felt the urge to share this woman’s situation with my readers, because so many of us fall into this emotional trap when we begin to date a guy. Christian Carter of Catch Him and Keep Him calls this the “danger of a connection”, and it’s all about letting ourselves as women get overwhelmed by the emotion of a new relationship.

Here is the letter from my reader:

Hey Sarah –

Thanks for your letters, they actually have given me insight, however I have got a question about my boyfriend I just met 3 weeks ago. He only calls me at night and sometimes skips a day without calling. I felt so in love with him the first week and when I saw the bad signals that he may not be interested anymore I’m keeping that distance and I don’t know what to say to him because he is playing it silently it’s like a closed book that you can’t read every time I have to evaluate whether he loves me or not and its killing me inside. I want to ask him how he feel about me now but I don’t want to spoil it or looks like I m needy. How do I make him feel the same way I feel for him. Please help me I really need a serious commitment and really want to know if he is for me and if not how to move on, thanks again Sarah.

In need of dating advice,


Here is my answer to this struggling woman:

Dear Anonymous –

Thank you for writing to me with your dating problem. I am going to give it to you straight here, because I believe that is what you need, and what people value about my dating advice. Let’s examine what you have said here.

First of all, you have been dating this man for only three weeks, yet you fell “in love” with him in the first week. That is a HUGE red flag here for several reasons. First of all, if you are falling in love with someone that quickly, it is 9 times out of 10 lust and not love (or attraction) – which is not the basis for a lasting relationship. You cannot possibly know this man (as you said, you don’t know what to say to him or how to read what he is thinking) so you cannot genuinely be in love with him. So for your own good, let’s take a step back here and really try to evaluate what is happening.

I want to talk to you, specifically, about what Christian Carter says in his Catch Him and Keep Him eBook on page 55. He titles this section “The Danger of a Connection”, and this is EXACTLY what is happening to you. Christian Carter writes, “You’d be crazy to take the close relationship and love you want to find and gamble it away by betting on a guy whose greatest qualification is that he makes you feel attracted to him….For as long as I can remember, I’ve heard women talk about something they call “chemistry” or a “connection.” Women use these words to describe a feeling they have and then choose to attach their own meaning to it, without making sure the man feels the same way”.

This, it seems, is exactly what is happening to you. You said “when I saw the bad signals that he may not be interested anymore I’m keeping that distance and I don’t know what to say to him because he is playing it silently it’s like a closed book that you can’t read every time I have to evaluate whether he loves me or not and its killing me inside”.

So, you are feeling like you are in a relationship (and after only a couple weeks, that is what is called an “instant relationship”, which not really a relationship at all, but a pseudo-relationship based on feelings of attraction and chemistry). You don’t know if he is feeling the same way – which means in reality that he is NOT feeling the same way.

Christian carter says “The wiring men have inside doesn’t necessarily tie together that physical and chemical attraction with deeper long-term bonding elements the way it does so quickly for women. Men have a range of responses with women they’re attracted to. Women are generally great at reading these attraction signals. Unfortunately, women aren’t good with two important skills:

1) Identifying if he’s truly a quality future mate (above and beyond the “connection”)

2) Deciphering whether or not the energy, interactions, conversations, behaviors, and the mutual interests between the man and women can develop into a foundation for a strong relationship”.

So, there is a huge commonality in failed relationships – and that is that the “connection” or “chemistry” was the only thing the coupled shared in common. Another way of saying this is that the “chemistry” you felt with him is no indicator of your relationship’s ability to survive, as it does not involve common interest, values, or even the ability to communicate well.

Don’t get me wrong, you DO have to have a good connection with a future mate. HOWEVER, that connection MUST led to a keen ability to communicate with each other in a respectful and loving way – and already your relationship is showing evidence of a lack of communicative ability.

So – to recap – do not mistake your chemistry connection for a real relationship – it isn’t one. Make sure you are not falling in the love with the IDEA of who he is, according to Christian Carter, instead of who he REALLY is – because you DO NOT know who he REALLY is after only a few weeks. I think you need to step back from this relationship and take a good look inside YOURSELF and discover what it is you really want, and whether or not you are really ready for a relationship if you are falling for a guy so quickly. You need to make sure that YOU are getting what YOU need in a relationship – love, understanding, commitment, respect and support. You are worth waiting for those things, and you will be much happier in the end if you are choosy about the relationships you enter into.

All the best,


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