Maybe you are a guy who has been searching for "that one thing" you could change to have better attraction and dating with women.

It turns out that there is one amazing skill you have, which we could lock eyes on as a universal concept that ultimately makes you sink or swim with women.

Here it is, in different words:

All dating and relationship problems are communication problems.

Think about that.

When I have had guys tell me that the women they meet just don’t realize what great guys they are or how much they offer, it’s that they have not communicated this to the women effectively.

When guys tell me that can’t manage to get a kiss with a woman, it’s a communication problem.

When they can’t “win back” a lost love, it’s a communication problem.

When they are depressed and trying to date, they go out on the town and notice they don’t get as much interest as they used to, it is also a communication problem (including how they communicate with themselves.)

And when they are on the verge of a breakup, or recently divorced, what has gone wrong is a communication problem.

Which means:

All communication problems are YOUR responsibility.

Read that again.

In the end, it is going to be up to you to fix this, and the question of HOW do I communicate is another matter.


I’m not talking about “working it out” or just “being empathic” or “being a good listener,” although those things are not a bad idea.

I’m talking about the frame of mind that says that when something is hazy, unclear, confusing, disturbing, annoying, frustrating, fearful, sad, depressing, angering or enraging about your dating (or relationships), there can be only one of two possible general causes of it:

1. You are not communicating effectively.
2. You are not right for each other, never were, and likely never will be.

Those are some strong statements aren’t they?

They are, and there’s a reason. They’re true. Think about it – if a woman is not buying into you as a total catch, if she isn’t wildly attracted to you and gushing, expressing this to you, then either you are “not her type,” or you haven’t communicated who you are, what you’re worth, why, when, what and how you ought to be together (at the very least for a date to get to know each other better.)

1. You don’t really understand her. You will have to decide if you WANT to, and whether you want to do the work involved with that.

2. She doesn’t really understand you. You will have to decide whether you want to do the work involved with helping her get it, in her own language.

3. You will have to determine whether at any given time, you are talking to her feminine instincts, her emotions, or her logic, and meet those with the same kind of language.

Consider it this way. If you wanted to do a business deal worth a million dollars, and all you had to do was ASK and lay out the details of the deal - not even do that much work – wouldn’t that be pretty compelling?

Aha, but then you find out the company is French, but you are a native Chinese speaker. It’s not as simple as just laying out the details, and asking for the great deal. You need to do so in the LANGUAGE of the other party.

Not only that, there happen to be “three dialects” of French to learn, and she needs to learn “three dialects” of your Chinese in order to be effective with you.

That’s what’s going on in the process of courtship and mating.

The Three Dialects of Women

Well I can teach you those “three dialects” quicker than a Berlitz course can teach you French. Actually I can teach you them faster than any known educational program.

It’s so powerful to instantly “see” what is really meant by a woman’s words, and what she is secretly needing underneath what she says.

In the end, you will come to discover that in any and every interaction, there are only two possible outcomes – either you need to change your communication approach, or you are just not right for each other in sexual chemistry, personality style, or level of maturity.

Bam, that easy!

Most guys don’t think of the latter, and don’t hone, refine, study, test, experiment with and master the former.
Now you can.

What is Communication, Really?

If a friend of yours was to pick up a cell phone and call you, saying, "We need to talk" with a pleasant, fun tone, you might feel secure, safe and friendly about that.

But what if they did the same thing, same words, "We need to talk" using a very stern tone and staccato pattern of speech?

You might be worried, concerned, and not feel a sense it was about a friendly subject.

What's more, what would happen if the battery went dead?

You might realize that communication DOES have data contained in it - the words, "we need to talk," but wouldn't you notice there is something much more to it as well?

It's ENERGY. The dead battery shuts down all communication. Without energy, there is no communication at all.
You will need to remember this with all communications with women.

Especially early in dating and attraction, it is not so much important what the fine details are that you say, but HOW you say them with self-esteem and masculinity.

The Universal Flaw, Excuse, and Game-changer

Personal Boundaries.

Any time there is confusion, vagueness, misinterpretation, frustration with not being understood, or any other communication problem, it is a BOUNDARY PROBLEM.

It's alllll about boundaries.

When you imagine your worst possible scenarios on a date, or asking for a date in the first place, what is that based on?

It's not based on deep knowledge of the woman, because you just met.

No, it is based on your OWN memories of bad times, which you are PROJECTING onto her.
Guess what causes "projection?"

The holes in your own Personal Boundary.

If you were to notice that the times you pursued a woman and no matter what you did, she still did not respond favorably - the ex you want to get back, the "one who got away," the "hard to get" type who simply does not respond, or answer her phone, and the one who always seems to flake, are all examples of YOU being in "denial."
Guess what "denial" is caused by?

That's right - holes in your Personal Boundary.

How about if the way things go are not really a misperception of communication on your part? What if they really are an aspect of the woman's psychology at fault here?

Those are issues of a Personal Boundary nature too - the WOMAN'S. And if her boundaries are in question, it is an indication that her level of maturity is a poor match for your own.

If you persist in pursuing her, trying to "fix" her, going all out to do what she wants and needs, and finding that it still doesn't satify her - these then tell us that your boundaries are in need of a tune-up too, because, again, you are in denial of the mismatch of maturity.

Which is often due to a concept called "sunk costs." This is a condition in which you have invested time, energy and perhaps even money in a woman. You don't want to "cut your losses" because they have been so substantial, but you keep running up against this fact:

If two people don't have highly evolved boundaries, it is virtually impossible to see them capable of clear communication, collaboration, compromise, collegiality, and ultimately, true commitment.

Someone is going to cheat, or drift out of the relationship, check out, drop out, flake out, or create unconscious drama in order to get out.

All because they didn't cross check each other's quality of boundaries, learn about them, build them, protect them and use them in their communication.

Author's Bio: 

Paul Dobransky, M.D. is a board-certified psychiatrist, public speaker and relationship expert who has treated more than 10,000 patients in 15+ years in clinical psychiatric care. Journalists and clients worldwide have sought Dr. Paul's advice on dating, relationships and all aspects of human psychology.

Dr. Paul pioneered MindOS, a new, patent-pending approach to understanding relationships, mood problems and stress. MindOS synthesizes all schools of therapy into a single, effective system-based approach that uses plain language to help people understand psychology and solve problems. Go to to learn more.