The Satya (Truth) Of Dating

When we investigate the Yama (restraints) and Niyama (observances) of Patanjali’s Yoga Sutra, often we spend considerable time with Ahimsa (non-harming), with Bramacharya (using sexual energy to move us closer to God), with others, yet we skim over Satya. Why? Perhaps because Satya seems straightforward, obvious – and yet, there’s more to it than we realize.

Do any of these sound familiar?

“It’s just a little white lie.”
“I didn’t want to hurt his/her feelings.”
“I was just being polite.”

As children we probably all heard from adults that we should tell the truth, (meanwhile we observed many of them doing the opposite). Certainly it’s a considerate gesture to be honest, perhaps even generous (more on this later). Yet, as Patanjali tells us, the benefit is really for us. Patanjali doesn’t say “you should be honest.” He says, “if you’d like to reach Samadhi (peace, bliss, liberation), then Satya - and all the other 7 limbs - might help.”

Though easy in principle - ‘tell the truth’ – Satya is not always so easy in practice. What if the truth is difficult, might hurt someone’s feelings, or gets in the way of what we want? How honest are we with ourselves?

As the subtitle to Brad Blanton’s book (Radical Honesty) so concisely states: ‘telling the truth can change your life.’ Like many worthwhile endeavors, this may not be easy - and the rewards are manifold.

A friend (we’ll call him Phil) recently wrote to say that he’s having troubles in his relationship. He has been with Elaine for almost 3 years and he’s not really satisfied. A voice in him keeps telling him, and has been since the beginning, that he could have more of what he wants in a relationship. What to do, he asked. How does he put himself first?

Another friend (we’ll call her Shelly) received the call we’ve all had and dreaded. The one where the caller invites us on a date, and the one where we instantly know that going on a date with that particular caller is NOT what we want to do. What to do, she asked me later. What do I say?

When studying writing some years ago, I found a book by Brenda Euland. I read only the back of the book, and yet her words zapped me with bolt of insight I’ll never forget.

She offered a recipe for good writing, theorizing it could also be a recipe for good living.
1. Always tell the truth.
2. Always do what you want to do.

It’s not, however, a recipe for telling everyone else in your life exactly what he or she wants to hear.

Phil wrote:

I keep having this voice that says, "Move on, this relationship doesn’t fit."

That’s the voice of honesty. He’s hearing it - at least sometimes – and he’s being honest with himself.

He goes on: nn…part of me says, "well, there must be something else here for me." I ask myself "what's keeping me in this situation?" What am I getting out of it? Perhaps it's a confirmation that ‘things have to be difficult to be worthwhile.’ Perhaps it's a sense of belonging and security and safety.

But really, whatever the case, I do have the sense that it hasneverything to do with me - how I see myself is determining what my life looks like. Why is it so hard for me to put myself first and trust that it will all work out?

Let’s drop the why questions – for now it’s not important why it’s been hard to put himself first. The point is, now he can change that pattern. He can just do it. And it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about others or that they’re less important. Actually, it’s the opposite. As we become more honest and place a higher value on what we really want, it brings a higher/happier us to interact with others - and it encourages them to be more honest with us, and with themselves.

It’s so tempting for the mind to analyze - paralysis by analysis - why ‘I might be doing this,’ or ‘maybe the underlying reason is... ‘or I’m acting this way because really underneath...’ The sense I get from his email, though, is that he knows exactly what he wants. He doesn’t need any justifications for it, and doesn’t need reasons for it. He does need courage to create it. Courage to be honest about it (especially if what he wants seems like it’ll disappoint someone else). So often we hold back the truth for fear of its effect on someone else; however it’s frequently just what they need, whether they see that in the moment or not. Regardless, Satya (as Patanjali tells us) is part of our practice. It’s for us. Ultimately, we can never know what’s best for anyone else anyway.

Similarly, Shelly doesn’t want to disappoint the man who’s summoned the courage to call and ask her out.

Somewhere in her a voice tells her she ‘should’ say yes. Most of us unconsciously don’t want to say no to our father or mother – doing so might mean losing love. Regardless of the reason, forgetting the ‘why’ of it, the honest answer is clear.

What funny creatures we are. The stories we invent to avoid the truth. I’ve got to work, I have plans, I’m tired, I’m engaged, I’m celibate… blah, blah, blah.

Some years ago I lived at therapy center with a big emphasis on relating, dating and sexuality. Their rules for dating:

1. Always go for your first choice. Even if you’re first choice says no, at least you’ve said yes to yourself. If you don’t go for your first choice, then your second or twelfth choice is really a lie – you don’t really want to be with them, you were just scared to ask who you really wanted to be with.

2. If someone says no, ask him or her why. This is a tough one for most people. First, it’s a challenge for the person saying no to be honest about why. And then receiving the reason why, we tend to personalize their response. ‘Oh no, it’s me, I’m awful…’ Yet, we have the chance to get some great information, some feedback. Maybe it’s got nothing to do with us – maybe they’re truthfully already with someone and not interested in dating others. Or maybe they’re just getting over a relationship with someone who looks just like us. On the other side, we might get some valuable information about ourselves. Perhaps they don’t want to go out with me because my breath smells bad. Or they find me inconsiderate or selfish or pushy. Now, I might not like to hear that, yet if I realize that this person valued me enough to be honest, to go past the uncomfortable feelings of sharing what I might not want to hear, I could take that as helpful info. Their honesty is actually generosity – they value me receiving the truth more than the discomfort they might feel in giving it. I might like to start brushing my teeth or considering other people more. Or not. At least then I have a choice about it. Then I know why rather than making up reasons.

To some, what I’m describing might sound selfish. That’s what we’ve been taught to think (by religion, society, parents…). The truth is that when we’re really going for what we want - creating excitement and happiness for ourselves, when we’re turned on – our inner state changes and we’re naturally generous and giving and uplifting to everything and everyone around us. By contrast, when we’re compromising and holding ourselves back because we think we should, even without realizing it, we’re getting stingy and resentful. We’re not blossoming into the world like we could, in the gorgeous way that our straight-lined world is crying out for. When resentments disappear, it’s also easier for us to be compassionate, so that when we tell the truth we do so considering the other person’s feelings, we do so artfully.

Brenda Euland’s recipe for writing and life is really just one ingredient. If we’re honest, we are doing what we want. Everything in life is optional.

It might not seem so. Just like it might not be easy to be honest with someone: we’ve learned it’s more acceptable, more kind, to lie to them. It’s unusual to say something like “I love you, and I’m leaving.” We can simultaneously love someone and not want to live with him or her. It’s unusual to say something like “thank you for the invitation, and no.” We can simultaneously appreciate their courage and consideration to ask us out, and respect both them and ourselves by being true.

Should Phil stay or go? Who knows? If he’s courageous enough to listen to what feels true, to say it out loud, who knows what will happen. Elaine might also be dissatisfied, be ready to move on. His honesty might spark the relationship to change. He might see things differently once he risks telling her how he feels. In any case he’ll align himself with his truth; he’ll be more alive and feel better.

It might sound small, or insignificant - what difference does a little, white lie make? A HUGE difference. Not from the moral perspective, because it’s right or correct or better to be honest. It makes a difference directly in our life, in what we experience. When we are honest with others, they’re more likely to be honest with us. When we’re clear and true about what we want in life, we’re more likely to experience it. nnnnn