Question: I have noticed throughout my life that the girls I was attracted to tended not to like me back. This has been especially problematic now that I am in my 20's, but it did occur a bit in my teens as well. I am starting to think that I will never get the women I'm interested in, or that I "want what I can't have." Am I just not attractive enough to garner the interest of the girls I'm attracted to? Do I need to work on myself more? Or what?

Answer: Behind your question, there appears to be a specific girl from your past -- or perhaps several girls -- who you are still obsessing over. These are ones who got away or who you never had a chance with, and they continue to burn brightly in your mind. You must change the way you think about and relate to these women. You will have to accept that you may never be able to get a specific girl. However, you can get the type of woman that YOU are attracted to. You just have to define your type. Relationships are always voluntary, and there is no reason to date women you are not attracted to. That would defeat the very purpose of dating!

First, understand that in specific dating and relationship situations, there are far too many variables that are beyond your control. You will never control the outcome of a date, relationship or interaction with a specific woman. Instead of obsessing about a specific girl, figure out for yourself what exactly is the kind of woman you prefer. At this point, the unattainable woman becomes useful. She is a representation of the kind or type of woman you are attracted to. She helps you understand exactly what you want, so you can work on going after it. Examine the characteristics and commonalities among the unattainable women you have pined after. What are the specific traits and characteristics you want in a woman, physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually? What kind of woman is your style?

Next, in your dating life, focus on meeting and dating ONLY women who are within the range of your kind or type. Women who are outside of your type - or who you are simply not attracted to - might be okay to have as friends. But you will only date woman who are your type, and you will quickly screen out all other women, for dating purposes. You are in your 20's, so you most likely will date women who are within your type; At some point, you will reach the phase of a serious relationship with one of them. For now, just focus on having a rich, enjoyable and varied dating life, choosing only women who fit your preferred type. Also, give yourself permission to go after what you want in life.

You might consciously or unconsciously be influenced by messages from family, friends and the media that steer you toward women you don't really fancy. They might mean well, but it's not their decision. It is yours alone. A man has the right to date the women who he actually likes.

The short answer is: you are attractive enough, and you can date and have relationships with women who you are attracted to and who fit your type. This is not a rah-rah, self-empowerment, self-acceptance pep talk. I's a scientific fact. However, you will never be able to completely control the outcome with a specific woman. In building the life you want, you will ll have to approach the challenge as a mature man would - not as an impatient, impulsive boy. It will require patience, effort, determination and an openness toward trying new things. Through experience you will acquire knowledge and greater understanding and skills with psychology, specifically boundaries, masculinity, femininity and social dynamics. MensPsychology.com has several courses to help accelerate the process.

Author's Bio: 

Tony Monterastelli, Editor-in-Chief, MensPsychology.com. Tony is passionate about helping men, and women, understand psychology and human behavior to improve their own lives. He has an extensive background as a
business journalist, newspaper reporter, and public relations executive. In addition to editing and writing for MensPsychology.com, Tony helps train men at dating, attraction and career growth. Reach Tony at 773-852-2234, tony@menspsychology.com.