So here's the thing, I've been dating this girl for a while now. She's the type that seems like crave attention from other men, so she likes going out to clubs, parties etc. She also likes interacting with men online, flirting and things like that. I can't say I like the way she interacts and conducts herself around other men.

I've noticed that she's also territorial. She gets very jealous if she thinks I'm out partying, hanging out with other women, talking to women online etc. Basically if I do anything she does, she'd get jealous. She's pretty much selfish in that sense and admits it.

The thing is, she says she doesn't want to be in a relationship at the moment. She says that they never work out for her, and that it seems that as soon as she makes her relationships official, they start to go downhill. Kind of superstitious I guess. But then again, she doesn't want to just "fool/mess around" with me because she doesn't want to "share" me with other women. Again, selfish.

So basically, we're somewhere in the middle I guess. Honestly Doc, I can't say I trust her. To me it seems like she would be happy if she could have me and other men without me knowing or having a problem with it. She just seems like one of those girls that love to roam, and run wild and free.

Anyway, I've noticed that my insecurities are growing. I tend to kind of check on certain things she does because in the back of my mind, I'm thinking there’s a chance she’s "playing" me. I know this isn't good. The more I do it, the weaker I'll become. But the thing is, she's not exactly the overly affectionate/expressive type, and with her being the type that likes to be around men and craves their attention, I end up second guessing how she might feel about me at any given moment which causes me to ask her questions and confront her about certain things I dislike. I know none of this is good, and this is why I'm here.

I want to be able to have the control to pretty much not care what she’s doing, and not be tempted to ask her questions about how she feels. I know that a self-confident, secure guy who doesn't complain is obviously more attractive. It's always been a difficult thing for me once I've gotten a bit attached to the girl. So I was hoping you could maybe give me a few pointers on how to deal with this situation and turn the tables on her so that she could be the one stressing out, wondering, asking me questions, getting jealous etc. Yet I don't want to push her completely away. I just want to have complete control if you get what I'm saying.



I can't say you SHOULD like the way she deals with other men either! In fact, it's damn disrespectful to you and your relationship!

Why in the hell are you being such a pussy about this? She doesn't want YOU to have a life or any fun but she won't give you what you want either. Don't you see the problem here? She can only do this if you LET her do it! Further, she only does it because you do let her get away with it! She's not the problem my brother; YOU are the problem.

OF COURSE your insecurities are growing! What else can they do? You apparently don't want to man-up and tell this girl the facts. Instead, you'd rather act like a scared little boy; fearful of losing her, than to demand what you deserve - and feel comfortable walking if you don't get it.

What you aren't seeing is this: it's exactly BECAUSE you won't stand up for yourself that she doesn't want anything real with you! No woman is going to invest herself in some guy that she doesn't feel safe and secure with. If you don't know your worth or value, how will she even know it?

Even your goal is wrong here. You're hoping to discover some technique to not care what she does or says. That's exactly the opposite of what you should be doing. Instead, you should hold her responsible for it - and tell her in absolute terms that HER actions are causing YOU to go find someone smarter than she is!

You're wrong also about what a confident, secure guy would do. I'm one of those (and just as arrogant too! ;), so here's what I'd do:

I'd tell this girl this: "Go out and eat hamburger if you want. I'm looking for a girl that likes steak and I've decided I'm going to find her. If you ever develop a taste for it, let me know, but so far, you haven't."

Then, I'd be in the arms of the next pretty girl I saw - with her watching me. If she's this jaded, I might even get her to help me meet this girl! I've done this more than once. Any girl that won't commit to me becomes the vehicle by which I meet such a girl. Yes, they hate that, but I deserve better treatment! I've actually asked girls that told me they weren't looking for "...a relationship right now..." to introduce me to someone else at the bar!

Now, do you think that doesn't get these girl's competitive juices flowing? Do you think that doesn't make me a prize in their eyes? If you think any of these things, you're mistaken my friend. In fact, it does all these things.

What you do is to give away all your power to the girl because you're attracted to her. It's that very power she needs to see in order to feel attraction back. She neither wants it from you nor can use it when you give it to her. It's yours to keep, but you have to decide once and for all that you're worth more than you're getting. Until you make this simple decision, you're not worthy of it - and she knows it which is exactly why she treats you this way.

You don't get "complete control" by backing away. You get control by taking it.

Best regards...
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Author's Bio: 

Dr. Neder is known around the world as a tough, but fair relationship expert, dealing with all sorts of dating, sex and relationship issues from a man's perspective. He has written 14 books ("Being a Man in a Woman's World™" series) and is working on 2 others. He's also written hundreds of articles, answered over 30,000 reader/viewer questions and has been on over a thousand radio and TV shows. "Dr. Dennis" is funny, direct and intuitive and has a unique ability to get right to the heart of the issue.

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