Dr. Neder:

I am a 36 year old woman who has been single for 3 years and I'm tired of it. I feel I'm of average attractiveness, I have a good job as an accountant, I run (marathons even!), hike, travel, have lots of friends, etc. I often hear advice from my attached friends, but the advice is often conflicting. It's either, "Stop looking and you'll find the man of your dreams!" or, "It's hard work to date - get yourself out there!"

I have tried the "stop looking" approach and woke up a year later, still single! It turns out I was so busy that I didn't really meet anyone. The other approach is more disastrous, because if I know I'll be looking for someone I get very nervous and insecure. I live in a medium to large city, where there are lots of other singles (I think) and lots to do, but I don't ever seem to connect with anyone.

Someone else gave me a third bit of advice that I think might be true: "if you think negative thoughts, then men can sense that. Be positive and smile and they will find you irresistible." Well, I guess I need to work on that, but the problem is that the longer I'm single the more uncomfortable I seem to get.

Any advice would be appreciated!


I really love it when I get this question. It's not that I'm happy for your pain and loneliness. Far from it. I'm happy that you're really ready to get this fixed - and you will.

It's unfortunate, but your friends and even most experts (many right here on this site) will say things like this because they really don't know what they're doing. They want to be helpful and feel for you, but they just lack any real tools or understanding. Thus, instead, they give you these same warmed-over platitudes that do absolutely nothing to help; and in fact, hurt - sometimes badly - when you take them to heart. It really is a new millennium with new dating, sex and relationship rules.

An example is "Just Be Yourself" ("JBY"). It's one of those sound bites that rolls off the tongue and sounds so reasonable that it seems like it just has to work. It doesn't. You've "Just Been Yourself" for the last 3 years!

Another of these is that old chestnut, "Stop looking ..." (or any one of its many iterations). Again, it just SOUNDS so reasonable, yet in practice, is deadly.

The one I *do* agree with however is the "negative thoughts" issue. The problem here however is that it doesn't go far enough to explain what thoughts you SHOULD have. It just assumes you know what it means. Few, in fact, do.

Let's get to your question. Here's the overview of the answer:

The first step is to define what you're looking for - clearly and specifically.
The second step is to discover where these guys are, where they hang out and how to reach them.
The third step is to learn how to approach them or get them to approach you.
The forth (and by far the most important) step is to express your VALUES AND BENEFITS - NOT YOUR FEATURES.

Realize that there is a huge well of incredible guys out there waiting to meet you. That's not just "feel good advice" - it's reality. The problem is that you haven't yet found a way to tap into that well. Even if you did, up until now you've lacked the underlying philosophy and tools to make it work for you. That's going to change right here, right now.

We're going to change your internal dialog, attitude and philosophy from one of "features" to one of "benefits". This simple change is going to make every bit of difference from here on out.

Look at your letter to me. You list the following "features":

* Average attractiveness
* Good job
* Healthy
* Active
* Good friends

These are all great things, but you absolutely missed the mark. You're thinking in terms of these features from a personal perspective. These are things YOU are proud of and happy about. You're not at all thinking about your "target market" and what *THEY* want and need.

Think about this: why do you buy something you see in a magazine or on a TV infomercial? Do you do it because it's shiny or within your budget or gets your clothes clean. It's because you connect with the product on a deep, emotional, visceral level. That's true of all marketing by the way. Advertisers have learned to tap into this powerful aspect of their client's market. You can do this too.

Ask yourself; what does my target market really want? Do you know? I'll bet you THINK you know. I'll also bet you don't REALLY know. Sadly, few women today do. They are all about what THEY want, and more to the point, their own "features". Further, they more often demand that these wants get met and then (and ONLY then) will consider what they have to offer - if anything. Even worse, they usually only consider this when the guy is just tired of their entitlement mentality and is now on the exit plan!

Here's a question you absolutely need to be able to answer clearly and specifically (and by the way, the one that extremely few women CAN answer):

"What do I bring to the table?"

The answer to this question isn't that you're "active" or that you "have a good job". Sure these things are important, but they're not visceral enough. They aren't the "benefits" that your "target market" is seeking to "buy".

You need to discover what your target market really wants and then work solely and exclusively on being able to express and deliver that - and only that. You need to become the woman of your man's dreams.

Go back and re-read that last paragraph a few times until it really sinks in.

So now, the question becomes, "What do the guys I'm attracted to want?" and "How can I be that woman to this/these guy(s)?"

Do you see how that simple shift completely changes your attitude and perspective? That's important and the only thing keeping you from having that incredible guy and incredible relationship with the incredible sex life you want and deserve!

I'm not one to just throw simple answers at complicated questions, but this one is a no-brainer. It really is that simple. Answering it however is more complicated.

Let's take just one example:

I hope you're not going to be shocked to learn that your target market wants an incredible sex partner, right? So, my question is, are you her?

Now, before you just jump in and proclaim, "I sure am!" Ask yourself, "why?"

I already know the answer you're about to give before it leaves your lovely lips: "because I've never had any complaints".

Really? *THAT'S* your standard? *THAT'S* what you think is "value" and "benefit"??? Seriously? What man is going to complain when he's getting his knob polished? Not a single one I've ever met!

You need to go deeper than that. Further, you need to go deeper on every aspect of your "benefits" to not only know WHAT they are, but WHY you have them. If you can't answer the "why", you know exactly where you need to begin working to get everything else fixed.

Now, here's the best news of this LOONNNGGG answer to your simple question: as soon as you know this "why", all that anxiety, discomfort and lack of confidence will go away - right along with being perpetually single.

I see great women (just like you!) making this simple change every day and completely changing their lives by doing so. Trust me on this. Actually, you don't have to trust me. You know I'm right.

So, what are you going to do RIGHT NOW to begin fixing this once and for all?

Best regards...
Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Copyright (c) 2011, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Author's Bio: 

Dr. Neder is known around the world as a tough, but fair relationship expert, dealing with all sorts of dating, sex and relationship issues from a man's perspective. He has written 14 books ("Being a Man in a Woman's World™" series) and is working on 3 others. He's also written hundreds of articles, answered over 30,000 reader/viewer questions and has been on over a thousand radio and TV shows. "Dr. Dennis" is funny, direct and intuitive and has a unique ability to get right to the heart of the issue.

Do you have a burning question that needs an answer? Are you a man that wants to better experiences with women, or a woman that wants to better understand men? To learn more, go to http://beingaman.com and http://beingaman.tv. You can also follow his micro-blog at: http://twitter.com/dwneder.