There are those who, regardless of how many relationships they have attempted to develop with different partners have nonetheless failed time and again. Yet, they keep trying, hoping that “next time things will be different”. As much as hope is a motivating force to keep trying, there isn’t actually a good reason to believe that if they have constantly failed until now they will succeed in the future.
Hoping that they will succeed in the future, they give themselves a host of reasons for not succeeding until now: they’ve been too busy with work; with studies; with building a career. They’ve been too selective about whom to go out with; too uncompromising and sticking on to their “high standards”. They have “loved too much” and their ex-partners didn’t appreciate who they were, and so on and so forth.
And they neglect to be accountable to only one, “small” issue: that maybe, just maybe, there is something in them which makes them fail one relationship after another. They neglect to realize, admit and acknowledge it for the simple reason that “Waking-up to face reality is not easy” . “Am I to blame? Can’t be! I’ve done all I could to develop a satisfying relationship, haven’t I?” they tell themselves, maybe even say it to their friends.
In their eyes they have indeed done all they could: enrolled with dating sites; went on dates (even on many dates, on a weekly basis); have even gone on second and third dates; have even started a relationship…only to realize that, once again, it didn’t take a long time until the relationship ended. Some of them have even read books about relationships; maybe attended a workshop or two about the subject. And yet they failed to develop a long-lasting satisfying relationship. “What’s the hell is going on?” they wondered. “What’s the problem?” they asked themselves and their friends; “how come others have been successful with their own relationships and I was not?”
Waking-up to face reality is at times to road to a successful relationship
It is only when instead of giving themselves different excuses about their failed attempts they become willing to face-up reality – look themselves deep in the eye and wonder whether there is something in them which hinders their attempts at developing a successful intimacy – that they can take the road necessary to make their dream comes true.
What does it take to look themselves deep in the eye?
It means being willing to see whether there is something in them which sabotages their attempts. For example: are they too eager to have a relationship “no matter what”? Are they too dominant within a relationship? too submissive to the extent of pushing their partners away from them? To needy to the extent of making their partners feel suffocated? And so on and so forth.
It means being willing to look inwards; to acknowledge the fact that something must be wrong with the way they approach relationships. Otherwise, how is it possible that they fail time and again? It means them being ready to carefully observe their attitudes about partners and relationships; to wonder whether they might have been approaching these with unrealistic expectations; whether they might have behaved in ways which drove others to run away from them (Were too controlling? Did they “love too much” to the point of suffocating their partners? Were they too argumentative? Did they think that their way of doing things is the only way possible? And so on).
Observing their behavioural patterns enables them to see whether they have been operating based on various fears (fear of loneliness, fear of commitment, fear of being hurt); on various needs (a need to be constantly appreciated and adored, a need to receive constant attention, and so on); or whether they couldn’t free themselves from a perception of reality which harms their attempts at relationship but is nonetheless rooted deep inside them (that their way of doing things is always the correct one; that to compromise means to show you are weak, and so on).
Observing these factors which drive them to fail (fears, needs, perception of reality as well as many other factors with similar effects) can enable them to once-and-for-all free themselves from the power these have exerted over them and become able to change their attitudes and behaviors regarding partners and relationships.
Waking-up to face reality and acting on the insights they gain is therefore the road to succeed at finally developing a long-lasting, satisfying intimacy.