April 3rd
Today is a good day.
I didn't run this morning or even jog. I'm still in my jammas more or less and I wont tell you what time it is. I've been an emotional wreck more times than I can count on one hand. And I've had blackberry pie for two meals with whip cream (a person needs their calcium).
Now before you haul me off to the loony bin I am here to say that this is OK. This is one day. I can stand and be proud of the fact that I have lived this one day and am here still trying. I still love myself for who I am and now one bad day doesn't lessen that. I've learned in the past 3 months of gaining 15#- after a crash diet where I lost all of what 5#? that my fear of "being fat" needs to end. I've been more fat in my head the past 2 years then I am even now in reality and giving up and letting go a little has taught me SO much. People all over the planet have scraped themselves up against roadblock upon roadblock and patch themselves up and keep walking. And there's more than one way to success. There are more successes than just mine.
In the past few months I've been asked more than once if I'm pregnant. In the past few months I've been looked at as though I'm somehow handicapped as if inside this extra layer I'm not still capable and strong and me. I never knew the world could be so prejudice and insensitive. I sincerely apologize to any heavier-set lady I've ever ignorantly treated poorly.

But now wait this "sparkpeople" is a lose weight community. Aren't I supposed to be obsessed about that here? Aren't heavy people NOT really welcome here? Only heavy people that hate themselves and are determined to lose weight? Only thin people who think they are heavy and need to lose weight? cause I actually really love myself after all this, in some ironic way, even more than I did 20# ago. I know in the truth of this body that the cultural message is crap.

If I lose weight will I forget this beautiful truth that I am lovable no matter what my shape? no matter what my size? Because I don't want to lose that. Ill take me now and at peace over me thin and uneasy. Me looking over my shoulder to see who is looking. But the pregnancy questions are getting REALLY annoying and need to end. Guess I'm gonna have to eat my cake, I mean blackberry pie, and eat... a carrot too. Oh and a couple glasses whatever won't hurt either!

April 13th

wow! still at it on week two. I am working hard at feeling SATISFIED since with past failures I know this is the key to me continuing on this weight loss qwest. The past week has been difficult. I feel hungry ALOT. I even cranked up the calories that it initially said I could have. I 've been much more irritable- low blood sugar I suspect and Im eating more carbs than I should be, trying to make them fruity ones at least. I am in this for the long haul though. I m very proud of myself for that and for being determined to take better care of myself, feel good about myself.

What a lifestyle shift -I know one way to feel satisfied on less calories is to bulk up on high fiber roughage chewing veggie things. So Last week I bought groceries early in the week/ for the week - I made sure I bought tons and tons and tons of produce and I challenged myself to eat it all before the end of the week. I bought so much produce I felt weird going through the check out. Like the check out lady was gonna pick up the bag of snap peas and scrinch up her nose and say, "what is this? Oh my God are you a health freak or what?"
She didnt.
I ate it all All week. I realized I really like the tang of radishes. And I really, to my surprise went through it all except for a few snap peas.
This week I set off to do the same. A whiny 4 yr old in tow proved a great distraction from my health freak shame and I didn’t baulk at the check out- I just wanted to get out of there with her. No snap peas - I guess I ve gotta draw the line somewhere.
I know me though. Ive got a Dairy Queen coupon burning a hole in my billfold. Ive got this lingering dread of my autoimmune thyroid condition an article said I wouldnt lose weight as quickly. Ive got a history of depression I need to constantly keep my eye on- low blood sugar can really put me in a tail spin. But tonite I am content. I have started. At least for now I'm doing my best. And if I ate that dairy queen blizzard I would log it in my nutrition tracker just the same. It wouldn't be the end of the world. And you know what in a couple weeks and I'm a PMS case, I may just do exactly that and love every damn drippy- crunchy bite.

April 22nd

My resolve is waning. But I'm still here.

I took pity on the 50 cent drugstore clearance bunny and took him home with me. We had a stare down at which point I shoved him in the top most top corner of my cabinet. Man that bunny could stare! I naively thought to myself that I would just have a nibble now and then just a special treat now and then. Just alittle something in the treat corner of my cabinet for once in a while. Anyhow, how could anyone pass up a solid chocolate bunny for 50 cents!? Maybe those ultra- oober fit mara-thin runner - biked to the store types. Maybe me in another few months or more realistic-ly half a year, but I am not there yet!
The now of the "now and then" followed soon thereafter. and now and then fell in step like alternating beads of a bracelet. The once turned to twice. "In a while" was N O W. Actually - I didn't go on a solid chocolate bunny binge- as badly as I wanted to as often as I have in the past, I didn't. I had some, and maybe more than I wanted to, but I didn't totally lose control of it, or go into a downward spiral (there's is still some of him left!) I didn't give up and eat it till it was gone so I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. Wow, I've actually done that before; does that make any sense? Can't I say NO to an in-animate piece of fat and sugar? But I am proud of the fact that I could experience that without giving up, That'd meant not tracking myself until another 5 pounds of spare tire stares at me two weeks from now and I start up again in an "OMG I don't want to be this heavy" panic.

This will not be such an on and off pursuit. I've got to every day do my best.

Maybe the bunny won this time, just by a hare ha ha!! pun intended, but I ate its head off so I think in the end he's the biggest loser, and I m just 20 pounds overweight and gratefully not on television. I'm still eating enough veggies to send a real bunny burping and screaming "enough with the carrots!". A very regular bunny I might add.

I don't need to have any crazy dramatic weight loss; I just need to keep trying.

Good night and Chocolate-y sweet dreams

May 6th

Today I turn 32, and I feel pretty good about that.

Continuing in the tradition I started the year I turned 30 I am going to pamper myself today. The year I turned 30 I went to the Olympus Spa for Women cause the 30 dollar entrance was free for me on my birthday. I had an absolutely life-transformative time maybe one of the first times ever in my life I took time for me and my body- and didn't feel excruciatingly guilty or self-conscious for it. I mean I HAD to go I was FREE.
The year before had been fraught with un-imaginable stress: Our first child was just a toddler- graduate school that kept threatening to flunk me- a near collapse into anxiety- depression so it was an "either I start doing something for myself or I die" transition. At Olympus there are about 1/2 a dozen different temperature saunas and a whole no bathing suits necessary wet- sauna area with a buncha different heat setting hot tubs. For a person okay with their body its paradise; if someone is feeling "too heavy" or somehow struggling with their body image it could be fairly overwhelming- I got alittle of both. It must have been most of the former as I 'd gone back - with a good girlfriend. And for a korean budy scrub a year later on my graduation.

Today - as nothing like that exists here in my home town- Ill get a mud wrap from my co-worker. Get my "free meal" at the mexican restaurant. work on a few massage clients, go to yoga class. the day has already been eerily calm and slanted towards my amusement. My husband said the universe is giving me a gift today. First, I got out of my at- home 2nd job I logged on and they immediately gave me early release and its actually my last day. I'd been taking Mcdonalds drive thru orders (about 300 a day) as a 2nd job all winter it was getting SO old so I am SO over it!
Second, I got two cute blue sweaters from the "free" table at my daughter's pre-school. I know this is just a ltitle thing but I was happy for it.
Third, I got a hug from my husband as he left for work standing on the top step of our driveway so that my chin didnt have to uncomfortably jam into his bony collar bone as it sometimes does when we are both on equal footing. (Luckily this is never an issue when we are horizontal.)

Wow the sun is shining, Im alive, I'm 32 and I love myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

May 17th

Hello and Good Tidings- This blessed Sunday morning I am drinking my decaf Latte and chocolate chip laden pancakes when I surrender to the brewing epiphany of the week. I am most certainly very ADD.

My husband has self- diagnosed himself many years ago and I always left this particular psychological label for him what with depression/ anxiety to contend with in my own self-appointed labels, but recently I have come upon such positive inspiring spiritual healers that the denseness of that particular cloud is waning and my vista is rapidly changing. I highly recommend checking out David and Kristin Morreli at everythingisenergy.com.

This week I stopped my second job - in order to be more available to my daughter through the summer as pre-school is out. I realized I took that job, yes because of a second income necessary, but also as an overload tactic. Now without it, I'm just stumbling- dazed. No focus or ambition at all. which is unlike me and uncomfortable, but I always overload myself and (this is the part that made me bout fall off my chair - with large helping of rhubarb desert tightly in hand) that I also overload with stimulating food: chocolate, refined sugar. Sub-consciously or now a bit more consciously I grab for a stimulant like sugar to rev me up and get me to focus again. Wow.

Wow. This is something. I've just always had the self-deprecating attitude of I can't control myself, If I only did such and such - It must be hormonal... what is my &*#% probem?!? But perhaps there is a very good reason for what I do and until I come up with new tools I'll keep doing what I do. Since I've been steadfastly working out since march and started Spark people to track my eating I've lost 5 pounds, Oooooh 5 whole flippin pounds- just enough to throw out my low back, but since I've made this about self-awareness, I keep thinking there's got to be something amiss. Yes, I am hypothyroid and that makes weight loss slower and more difficult... and my calories are always over because of the "treats" I eat. I very well know that I blow three good workouts with the excess something or another I eat. So cut out the treats all - together! But I feel absolutely desperate without them! So this week I am going to do a little experiment- I will try and catch those about to sugar OD moments and attempt to replace them with an ADD supplement, and I'll take it in the morning too when I tend to just wake up and grab a coffee- leftover cookies or anything instantly carb laying around.

"You know that saying the sins of the father get passed on... " and my Dad was moody like this too- I just thought it was account of his alcoholic Dad, but maybe both of them were attempting to self- medicate an ADD mind driving them nuts. And it really does, its like driving a car with only 1st gear and 5th gear. It's not at all, ALL bad. I love this experience of a creative life. The fits and starts are wholly worth it.
I just can't believe I never saw myself as that before it's so obvious now and from my depression experience I know there's tons of help to be had not just medications, so much more psychology is understood now than before. Thank God someone turned a little light on in here.

July 2nd

Yesterday I visited a hypnotherapist who purportedly uses it for weight loss. My ADD experiment did not hold straight long enough to get any results ( I guess I couldnt stay focused on it). Iv'e been doing naturopathy taking supplements and using and just started allergy elimnation technique (NAET). So I am taking care of myself in every way possible to me.
This free hypnosis screening just floored me though. I've used hypnosis in the past and loved it ; feeling so relaxed in my body. This guy implied some things that really just... 1- I associate being thin with cheating on my husband. 2- my daughter and I are "over here together" and my husband is there by himself. 4- If I was single I wouldn't have gained weight- If I was meeting the most attractive man ever (no doubt a version of him in his mind) I would have no trouble losing weight. 5- I'm overweight because I am spoiled and haven't really had much to deal with in my life. Well, he pushed every button I have ever had and left me reeling with a migraine to boot for the entire evening.

I guess I won't be using hypnosis.

I love my body- We'll find a way to find balance. I can stop panicking, cause this is a life-long journey not a final exam. I'm not gonna flunk out here as long as I don't give up, don't believe this BS about my inherent flaws, my need for some guru-savior- know it all - hypnotherapist to rescue me from myself.
Isn't that freedom? Here I am. I have all I need. Om shanti Om.

August 1st

been back on the food tracking wagon for a few weeks now, been doing pretty well even lost a few pounds, but tonight I wanted to just cash it in all for what!?! some chocolate cake, hormone problems and a stupid idiot husband? Don't ask he just is rubbing me that way tonight.

I know I am struggling with depression symptoms again too. Everything just feels SO hopeless! I wouldn't' wish it on my worst enemy!

I ve been a week late getting my period and I am not pregnant. So either I am way too stressed or my body is starving ( I feel starved, but I am getting the high end of my range of calories. ) I saw a posting that was telling this lady that as only an inch shorter than me that her calorie intake was too low. I don't know what to think, but after all this energy to get myself to eat less it doesn't feel right to let myself loose again - wouldn't that just mean more weight gain?? But I can see how there needs to be some kind of balance cause doing this in an "I can't wait to get it out of the way" mentality will only set me up to eat like a horse in another few weeks and I really REALLY don't want that this time. Last time it meant another extra 10 pounds. I don't like horses... they are so negative... when it comes to 'all in favor??"all you get is neigh-aaaaay. (That was a joke- I just made it up. Hey its better than my 4 yr old's jokes...she says "why did the cow cross the road??" " to get to the udder side!"

I just keep praying that someday soon life will make a little sense and I will feel free to rest a little more. My body experience will stop feeling like a metropolitan airport. I am in transition. It is to be expected. I am loosing a piece of me. I gained it for good reason- for a sense of security - self - respect- self protection. see how much more self- is there? We were/are having alot of problems in our relationship and I feel safer in a bigger body. What now? hunger. emptiness. No, FREEDOM!!!! I can go 4 hours without eating and its not an emotional crisis. I can be attractive enough that if I find myself single again I'll still be a good catch. I can look the way I want to look in my body. I can feel the way I want to feel in my body. I can turn that airport into a spa or at least focus on the spa that's in the airport.

I will have PEACE. I am letting go of that piece of me that's holding me back. I know peace -right now- right here.
I am holding that piece of me that is shaking like a leaf.
because I don't feel loved 'as is'... and that is a the problem.

August 29th

Hey, I am not writing a blog when I am desperate and despairing! That was kinda funny it just took me 30 seconds to figure out how to spell despairing. (Got it that time)
So this'll likely be a short one. I have been following pretty good give or take a couple 3000 calorie spikes and am feeling much healthier, much thinner. I am so amazed by the people I see needing to lose 100+ pounds and just chipping away at their personal struggle a spoonful at a time. We all have those no matter our size, and food addiction- weight issues go right to the heart of who you see yourself to be in the world.
I am eternally grateful that - pretty sure anyway- I 'get it' I don't have to go to 300 pounds. I know for myself I have got to stay within what is balanced for me even if that is not so comfortable sometimes and I have to find other ways to be satisfied and comforted - other than food. I can make space for me in my life and keep out negative people and no to the cheescake setting out at work or at least the third chunk of it!

I am looking forward to reaching a good stable goal weight of around 165-170. really only 10-15 pounds away depending on which scale I use and then I plan to just watch it and if I gain a few pounds go right back to counting and tracking for a few weeks till I remember what within range feels like. Exercise has never been an issue I sometimes do 4-5 hours of massage in a day and maybe (this could be a goal of mine) I will go into a cross country ski race this winter. But eating... Oy, as the weather cools I want to paddle around the kitchen in my fuzzy black slippers and bake or "fix a snack".
Last year this time I had sort of 'given up' on myself and proceded to gain like 15 pounds over the winter, well I am kinda back there and getting a second chance. This winter I will love myself in a healthier way than I can eat whatever-whenever. I can have a little tougher love for myself cause I see the larger picture and I see myself Rocking this life! Iv'e only got one so let's make it count. Go Elicia 1500!!!!!!!!!!

(that is a little private thing with my husband and I that he refers to me as the new Elicia 1500 model versus the heavier, unhappier 3000 calorie a day model)

Sept 23rd

I am finally getting used to this (knock on wood!!)

It's a wonder you can experience more joy from life within the confines of a balanced lifestyle- I am moving out from that rebellious attitude and into a gratitude that things didn't need to get worse for me to start making changes.

It's not really about the weight, but those moment to moment decisions of whether I will be healthy or not. I can have choices rather than a constant stream of negative feeling not- good enough. I can crave icecream (like I have since 2 pm) or not or have sherbet of just sit down and figure out what I really- really want or distract myself with a walk. I am craving a DQ blizzard; I can just taste it! And I am going to keep virtually tasting it since I am not gonna get one! I know the sense of disappointment I would have letting myself down like that and as I am getting within 10# of my goal!!... nah, its not worth it.

I've been reading this about the 'upper limit crisis' (Gay Hendricks - the Big Leap) when you are actually doing well you somehow sabotage it out of discomfort with really rocking it subconsciously of course - when you get that nervous feeling its time to take a time out and get regrounded. We all say we want to be fabulously attractive, wealthy and healthy but all the lottery winners in the world go right back to the misery they hoped to escape some short time after their big ticket. So here is my highest intention- to savor this moment, fully experience this unique and precious irreplaceable moment and appreciate what all life has in store and watch and laugh at my little insane attempts at bungling up my precious beautiful balanced energy.

thank you for listening - blessings on your weight loss journey.

October 10th

My parents anniversary is next saturday! 'A' day!! Let's do it!!!!! I've got a fitted black dress to look gorgeous in. I am going to hit my plan hard till then. Today I did 45 minutes on the elliptical helped to have "Time traveler's Wife" to read. Tomorrow I am going to start the 'boot camp' series- Ive always wanted to do that anyway.

Eating. If I could just fly to a planet where everything is low calorie... I suppose everything there would taste like cauliflower and God is just not that sadistic.
I will stay fit this winter, I've found my resolve to do that today stopped rebelling- blindly making another cake or cookies with my daughter. It's neat how well I know myself. I know I can need time to find my motivation but once its there I really do whatever it takes. I've got to A- make it fun B- make it competitive "I’m a winner" C- Let it be my choice.

I am miserable and unwilling when I make it A- work B- always on the losing end "losing weight" C- Something I have to do or I suck as a human being. You might as well go and zip up that fat suit on me when I get in that shame based mindset. The quickest cure so far is a good workout. Something about sweat and shame is incompatible. I am so obviously too down on myself at times; I have a healthy decent body let me experience that! Irregardless of the number or the layers I am a trying living human creature and this is true of everyone. We are all freaking living miracles. Whether we like it or not!!!

LIFESTYLE. What STYLE of LIFE will I choose today Energy? or shut down? WOO HOO!!!!!!!! I have energy today!! WOO HOO!! I can handle it! I can live!

Author's Bio: 

Elicia Faul is an acupuncturist, singer-songwriter, mother and wife. You can find more information at Loose Leaves Healing.com.