What Do You Mean I'm Angry!@#$%!

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When you reach your boiling point, what do you do with the steam?
This makes all the difference in your relationships at home, atnwork, and, with yourself.

Do you know when you are angry? Many folks don't. Not only arenthey not aware they are angry, they are not aware how they comenacross to others when they are angry. This is a big problem...for everyone else. You would be surprised how few folks actually understand how they behave or how other folks see them. Unfortunately, they are not sensitive to their own attitudes, feelings emotions, and communication style.

Do you have high self-awareness? Do you have an accurate picturenof your behavior, tone of voice, facial expressions? If you arenunsure, sit down with the person you most trust and ask them tonpaint an honest picture for you. Yes, that may be difficult tonask, and to hear. It must be done, though, if you want to improve your relationships.

I recently heard a story about a manager whose employee broughtnher a requested proposal for a new office system. After readingnthe proposal briefly, the manager went up one side of the employee and down the other. Using language such as

"This is absurd."
"What were you thinking?"
"How long have you been with us?"
"You're making me wonder why I ever hired you."

All this was delivered from a standing position in a loud voice with harsh eye contact. The employee, completely taken aback and intimidated, went back to her cubicle furious. Her colleague asked her about the meeting and she described the reception. Soon, the story made the rounds of the department.

The next week, the manager met a colleague who said to her, "Wow!
You were really hard on Michelle. Are you planning on letting her go?"

The manager was stunned. "Why would you ever think that? She'snimportant to our operation." As they discussed the incident, thenmanager realized that she had no perception of the way she hadndelivered her blows to Michelle. She thought she had been simplynresponding to the ideas brought to her. No idea of the effect ofnher behavior on the employee. This manager needs to increase hernself-awareness.

DO YOUR OWN WORK FIRST

Before you go telling others what they need to improve withinnthemselves, look in the mirror. What are you doing? How are youndelivering your messages? Is your communication 'clean'?

Begin with yourself. How do you express your anger? Do younexpress your anger or does your steam escape in inappropriate ways at the wrong people having been bottled up for too long?

IMPROVE YOUR SKILLS

You likely have heard the old story about the husband who has been chewed out at work who comes home and yells at his wife whonscreams at the kids who kick the dog. If the husband had goodncommunication and conflict management skills, he would havenhandled the issue at work in the first place, right?

If you feel intimidated, or you avoid conflict at all costs, younneed skills. Take a community college course and read some books. Take a program at www.WorkplacePeopleSkills.com
Seek out good ideas to increase your self-awareness and your skillnset.

Conflict is not a four-letter word. It simply means to havendivergent ideas, needs, drives, wishes or demands. That's OK butnit is how we express those differences that takes the toll. Learn to express them in ways others can hear. It will build your self-confidence.

BEGIN SIMPLY

Pay attention to how you think, feel and respond in differentnsituations. Make a mental picture and rehearse how you would like to respond. Use your new skill set. Then, step out into the world.

Listen well when there is conflict. Look beneath the words to thenpain. For example, when someone is angry with you because a piecenof paper is missing, by listening carefully you may realize whatnis unde
eath the anger. You might then say, "I understand thatnnot finding this piece of paper right now might make you late fornyour meeting and you may look inefficient." That's the pain. Byngiving it a name, both you and the other person deepen thenunderstanding of the situation. When you get really good at this,nyou will also deepen your relationships.

Taking the time to build your self-awareness and your skill set isnwell worth the effort. Everyone in your life will benefit. Younwill benefit most of all.nnn© Rhoberta Shaler, PhD All rights reserved worldwiden