What helps children thrive in interactions?

Well, it was really interesting to see what people thought and came up with as the answer. When I told them the answer, most of them initially were surprised and following an explanation from me they then completely understood how it applied to their child.
I am sure you can come up with a very long list of what helps children thrive in interactions, and there are many factors that need to be included, but the key to children doing well in interactions above everything and anything else is: COMPETENCE!

Let me ask you something, what do you do if you can’t do something or don’t feel like you are very good at something? Well, most people will withdraw or avoid doing it altogether. I know this is true because I see it time and time again with children on the autistic spectrum, parents, friends and family and of course myself!

So I will put this in relation to a typical child with autism now, here is a brief description of the child: prefers being on his own, is always trying to leave the activity / interaction, can’t wait to finish with what you are doing together, can’t wait to get on to the next thing, wants to rush through everything, is happier on his own, activities and interactions do not always end with a positive etc etc. I think you get the picture. This child does not feel competent in social situations and so what he does is withdraw by being inattentive, avoid the activity by escaping and trying to get away, disrupt or destroy the activity because he can’t do it, make himself busy with other activities that he prefers and feels more competent at or simply refuses to participate in the first place. Sound familiar?

What can you do to help develop competence in your child? This takes time depending on the child, his history and other factors in your relationship, but it is totally possible! It is important to develop guiding relationship between you and your child based on trust. Here are some small steps that make a big difference in developing competence:

1. Be inviting, take away the pressure to respond.
2. Keep interactions brief, lots of small and short positive interactions will contribute to feelings of competence.
3. Use positive communication and feedback to let your child know they are doing well.
4. Praise effort and process, not the end result/ product.
5. Provide enough support that they can feel like they have succeeded.

When we feel competent at something we welcome it into our lives, we want more of it, we are happy to engage in it and we seek it. This is when we see children thriving in interactions, this looks like interactions lasting longer, children seeking you out to be with you, interactions feeling easier and a lot less hard work, children not escaping or avoiding you, children communicating with you more, children learning more, and children making big progress with little effort from you because they are making their way back to a typically developing pathway.