What If He's Ready to Retire -- And You're Not?

Because women frequently marry older men (even if it's only by a few years), there comes a time when the man is ready to retire and she isn't. Or, when she has done raising children, she ramps up her career or business and has no desire to move to a "retirement community" or buy an RV. How does a couple survive? There are a few areas to understand and look at when retirement in any form comes into your life. The first is that the person retiring might not actually be ready to retire, either. This is particularly true of men in office jobs -- not so true of men who have been doing physical labor. Depression hits men in their late 60s, and early 70s particularly hard, particularly if they find nothing else to do. Women who are working become frustrated with men who appear to be "doing nothing." When both partners are working, women do more of the household and child care than men do. The couple may have just fallen into this agreement without any discussion. Once the man retires, the woman has an expectation that things will change. It's obvious, isn't it? Well, not entirely. Unless a woman actually sits down and has the discussion, it might not. And even then, it might not. Part of the change has to do with a woman making the changes. Things will no longer be done her way or on her time schedule. Just like work. If you want to delegate a task, you have to accept that it will be done differently from how you do it or things will never change. As noted earlier, many men have a tough time after they retire. They aren't quite sure who they are once they aren't VP of Finance or some such thing. They may become depressed, which they make worse by sinking into daytime television. They are reluctant to do things around the house because they just don't have the energy. The good news is that many men work their way out of this by realizing that they need to get back out of the house. "Retired" men who are working actually do quite well emotionally. As with most things couple-related, communication is key. First each person needs to think through what it is they want for themselves over the next few years. What is their primary desire as a person, as a couple? Where are they willing to bend? For example, a woman may have just started a business and feels it needs her full attention to make it successful. She doesn't see any time to take time off to travel. Yet, she might be willing to try to figure out a slow period to travel for a few weeks. Alternatively, a man might want to spend a good deal more time traveling, but is willing to go by himself or with some friends to different places and save a special trip for his partner. The second key to making this work is an underlying foundation of trust and commitment. The couple needs to be willing to make it work and have trust in each other that they will stay commited to the marriage in spite of time alone or different interests. No one should have to sacrifice, but there needs to be give and take to make it work. Retirement for either party is a large transition. Reaching out for help and support from others in similar positions, counselors, pastors, therapists or coaches may make the difference between a relationship that navigates difficult waters and one that breaks on the rocks.