What If Your Marriage Problem Isn't Stubbornness After All?

“We’re stubborn. We butt heads,” said Jan. “We’re both used to doing things our way, and the more the other pushes, the more we dig in our heels.”

A lot of couples bring me this problem in their first marriage counseling appointment. Maybe you can relate.

Bill was sitting on my couch, one puzzled man. Jan was so upset that Bill wouldn’t take out the garbage for her that she was in tears.

“Why is the garbage my job?” he asked. “What about the boys? We’re always looking for ways to teach them more responsibility. Make them put down their joysticks and take it out.

“I’ve always thought of it as the man’s job.”

“But why? Since when have we had girls’ jobs/boys’ jobs? Maybe I shouldn’t do the grocery shopping any more. That looks like a woman’s job to me.”

“But I want you to do it.” The tears flowed harder.

“But WHY?”

I agree that Jan certainly sounds stubborn! But look harder and you’ll find her “stubbornness” stems from her emotional desires.

At any given moment, all of us are pursuing a desire. Say you want something concrete, such as a new pair of shoes. Maybe you actually need to replace a pair that wore out. But usually your concrete desire also represents an emotional desire.

Ultimately, you do everything you do because you want to experience a certain feeling. Maybe you want the shoes so you can you can walk all over without getting tired and that makes you feel healthy and strong. Or maybe you want to feel sexy and fabulous in your strappy heels.

We don’t give up on our emotional desires easily. And we shouldn’t! They’re the basic motivations that drive us in life. So, if you feel like your partner is standing in the way of you getting a desire that’s dear to your heart, you’re going to get “stubborn.” Probably without understanding what you’re doing. Your ticket to breaking the gridlock and getting you both what you need is to keep digging until you figure out what that desire is.

It turned out Jan was driven by an intense emotional desire about the garbage.

Her father had been wildly irresponsible. He had a terrible temper and you never knew what kind of mood he’d be in. He moved the family from town to town, and the kids never even knew why. Jan attended six schools before she graduated.

“There were only a few times I can remember when I felt safe and secure, like I was being taken care of. One of those was when my dad would come home from work, put on his old clothes and take out the garbage. He did that every night. It makes me feel taken care of when you do it, too.”

Bill was holding Jan’s hand and his expression had softened.

“Let me guess, is that why you like me to put gas in your car?”

“Maybe.” Jan smiled.

The next time they came in, Bill said, “I can’t believe it. We haven’t had any more garbage arguments. After fighting about it for months.”

Jan shrugged. “It’s only the garbage. I don’t mind taking it out.”

Jan’s emotional desires were security and being taken care of. She felt like those desires were satisfied when Bill took out the garbage. But interestingly, she felt like they were even more satisfied when those desires were deeply understood by Bill.

It would have been easy for Jan to stick with blaming Bill for how upset she felt, or for Bill to brush off Jan’s concern as silly. Instead, they stayed curious about what Jan’s feelings meant and got to the bottom of the problem.

The next time your partner is being “stubborn,” try asking questions such as: Why is this so important to you? What does this mean to you? And the best question of all: What is it you really want? (Said with love.) This won’t always make issues vanish into thin air. (If only!) But it happens a lot more than you might think. After all, our most important desire of all is to be really understood by our most important person of all. When that need is met, you might be surprised at how much your “stubborn” partner can compromise.