Sometimes in relationships you want to have only the half – the “good” half, not the “bad”; the “positive”, not the “negative”; the “easy”, not the “difficult”. But “a complete relationship” is based on both the “good”, and the “bad”, the “positive” as well as the “negative”. And when you learn to accommodate both and cope with both you can then develop a satisfying intimacy with your partner.
It is not only that you can not avoid the “bad” and the “negative”. First, they are part of “who you are”, of “who your partner is” and of the relationship itself. But more than that: what you might interpret as “bad” and “negative” might be your own subjective way of seeing things. It might not necessarily mean that these are indeed the “bad” and “negative” sides of either your partner or the relationship.
Just like with the year’s cycle, at times we like the spring but not the summer, the fall but not the winter, the light but not the darkness. But these are all part of the year’s cycle, these are all the regular seasons, and we can’t “escape” any of them. They are part of our life.
Escaping the negative is harmful to the relationship
Indeed, many have the tendency to run away from “negative” aspects of their life, of their relationships and of their own issues. They deny and reject those traits in them they would rather not see and admit as part of “who they are”. But these “negative” issues always come back to haunt you.
The wisdom, therefore, and the only possible way to go on with healthy living, is to accept the “negative” as well as the “positive” in yourself, in your life, in your partner and in your relationships.
“Escaping” - by way of ignoring and denying helps (if at all) only in the short term. You escape from the real issues by claiming that “you are too busy with your work”; that you “need more money”. Or you justify the “negative” by putting the blame on your partner and say that “he/she is going through a rough time”; “he/she has financial problems on his/her own”; and so on and so forth.
Investing energy in trying to escape the “negative” in your life and in your relationships only increases your feelings of pain, dissatisfaction and discontent. Learning to accept these and cope with them – rather than attempting to run away from them – is important. Otherwise you will keep carrying them with you in your current relationship and/or in future ones.
Such escaping, ignoring and denying help you pretend that, after all, your relationship is still “going o.k.”; that you still “love your partner”. But “playing as-if” everything is fine diverts your attention from working on the relationship and drives it to be even less complete. And the more energy you invest trying to deny reality (using one thousand and one justifications), the more your relationship deteriorates on a daily basis. As you continue to deny and escape reality this tendency of yours becomes your patte
which keeps harming your current relationship (or future ones as well).
Not being able to share yourself openly any more, you and your partner get further and further apart from one another. Attempting to escape pain – even loneliness – any one of you might then seek “refuge” and comfort somewhere else (be it with a lover; at work; with friends and/or family members). But the more you attempt to escape your pain the more it shows up in more areas of your relationship.
Two steps which enable you to develop and maintain a satisfying relationship
1. Realizing, accepting and acknowledging your tendency to escape is a vital step in combating it.
2. Realizing, accepting and acknowledging the “positive” as well as the “negative” in yourself, your partner and the relationship is a vital step in moving towards making a change in your attitudes, thinking and behavior.
It is then that you become able to develop and maintain a satisfying intimacy – with your current partner or future ones.