When Is It About YOU and When Is It About HIM: Don’t Let Your Fears & Neediness Hurt You

He didn’t call or sent you an sms after the date and you take it personally. You think it’s because of you; that he didn’t like you; that he was not attracted to you; that he didn’t enjoy your company, that he might have detected your insecurity and shied away from it; that he might have noticed you haven’t had any relationship for a long time and decided it is too risky to try anything with you. In short, you feel you have sabotaged it once again!

You have so many reasons to take it personally. To feel that you have sabotaged your chances once again!

It is natural and human to think that way. Fear of rejection is a common fear, and it is natural to take “responsibility” for whatever might have happened which caused the other person to not contact you again. And this might anger you, disappoint and frustrate you, makes you feel even more insecure about yourself and of your ability to eventually find a partner with whom to develop an intimacy.

But let’s think for a minute: could it be the other way around?

* Could it be that your date didn’t call to schedule another meeting because of him, not because of you?

* Could it be that he felt you are too smart for him? Could it be that all he wanted was another “affair” and felt he won’t get it with you?

* Could it be that he felt attracted to you but his fear of commitment told him to shy away from you before it will be too late, before he might fall in love with you, a thought which scares the hell out of him?

* Could it be that he was telling you one lie after another during your date and walked away with the impression that you did notice it, and that he didn’t impress you the way he wanted to, that you did see what’s behind his masks and declarations?

* And could it also be that he himself has such a low self-image that he got scared – for one reason or another – and didn’t have the courage to call you once more?

You don’t know.

But whichever the reason is that he did not call to schedule another meeting, it doesn’t at all proves that something is wrong with you; that you have sabotaged it one way or another. The opposite might be true: that he didn’t call because of him; because of whatever issues he is struggling with, none of which are related to who you are or to how you reacted and behaved during the date.

Jumping into the conclusion that him not calling you again reflects something about you might therefore be a wrong conclusion. You might tell yourself that this is not the first time it has happened to you; you might tell yourself that you understand why he – or anyone else – might not be interested in you. Such thoughts might indicate that you might have your own issues which you need to work on, issues which relate to the way you view yourself; to your self-image; to your fear of rejection; to your neediness, and so on and so forth.

But these do not mean that he didn’t call you because of you!

You are who you are and he is who he is. A not hearing from again after a date doesn’t mean that you have to take it personally, doesn’t mean it is because of you.

It might well be because of who heis.

Something to think about, wouldn’t you say?