When Something Wonderful Suddenly Goes Wrong

We’ve all had that relationship that goes from “hero to zero” in no time flat—whether it be with a friend, family member, or lover—that leaves us wondering what the heck just happened.

Truth be told, it’s hard not to take it personally. It’s too easy to feel badly about ourselves.

“What did I say?”

“Where did I go wrong?”

“Why doesn’t (s)he want me?”

Rejection can do a head-job on us. It spins us back to the same old hurt feelings we had when we were young and someone was mean to us . . . (it doesn’t matter that we’re all grown up now).

And that’s the trouble . . .

We are all grown up now and although “stick and stones may break our bones and names will never hurt us” (at least that’s what my mom always told me), we’re feeling pretty badly about ourselves.

Words can hurt. Rejection hurts. Betrayal hurts. Abandonment hurts. Life is full of hurts.
So how do we stop the hurt from making us heartless . . . or the wounds from making us bitter rather than better?

We use my acronym for the word WOMAN! That’s what we do!

I created an acronym using the word WOMAN because ultimately that is how we want to respond: Like a woman would! Not a helpless child! Not a domineering matriarch! Not a rebellious, wounded teenager. A Woman!

The next time you find yourself in a situation where the old wounds want to pop up and remind you of feeling unworthy or unwanted, remind yourself that you’re a woman now! You are teaching people how to treat you by the way you treat yourself!

When rejection hits, use this acronym to pull yourself up and back out into the world. (Sure, life may have some painful experiences to teach us things about ourselves, but all in all, it’s a really wonderful place!):

W – What do you want to feel? What are your intentions? Get very clear on what it is you want to feel, experience, and achieve: Happiness? Peace? Self-acceptance? Self-love? It works best to write your intentions down in a journal, to give “voice” to them.

O – Overlook the Obvious. Look under the “surface stuff” to see what’s really going on. Don’t be fooled by outward appearances or the details we can get caught up in. Most people have their own agenda (which goes something like this: “I need to take care of me.”). They really aren’t trying to hurt you and although they say things they probably don’t mean, they have their own wounds and are doing the best to deal with their own lives. Don’t take it personally.

M - Manage Your Emotions. You may want to cry, yell, or freak out, but it won’t make the situation better. Once you know what you want to feel, focus on shifting yourself to that higher place. Ask yourself, “What would courage have me do?” See if you can take the “30,000 foot view” on the situation by becoming an observer rather than a participant in the dilemma. Things look clearer the higher up we go. Don’t give your power away by losing your cool. As much as the momentary “vent” releases your pent up emotions, the long-term damage of aggressive behaviour can be hard for others to ever overcome. Find a healthy way to deal with your anger.

A – Ask the Right Questions. Your brain is simply a computer that has downloaded a ton of information over your lifetime. It has no conscience; it simply receives the question you ask it and seeks the simplest answer. Ask it why you’ve been rejected and it will tell you a whole slew of negative things about you. Ask it what you have to learn from this situation … or how this can make you better, and it will give you great answers that will help you rather than hurt you.

N – Negotiate New Healthy Boundaries. This is hands-down the most important lesson we women need to learn. Healthy boundaries are like having a front door with a lock on it. You have the right to keep out unpleasant visitors. If someone is causing you drama, dysfunction, and/or pain, it’s time to learn how to say: “When you _______ (fill in the unhealthy behaviour), it makes me feel _________. If you can’t be more respectful to me, I will have to _________ (list the consequences and stick to them).” We teach people how to treat us; its okay to say “No, that’s unacceptable.”