When Tempers Flare – 10 Tips

Temper outbursts were the most unsettling issue for me with Tanya's rehabilitation after she sustained severe brain injuries in an automobile accident.

In general, people did not understand our issues with Tanya's violent episodes. Tanya looked the same except for a tracheotomy scar on her neck. Even though there were scars on her body, they were usually covered with clothing. Her speech was articulate and precise. So, if you met Tanya on the street or at a social gathering you would probably think...what's the problem?

They could not see inside her brain which is what caused her memory and social issues. There were disconnects in her brain cells that would not allow her to process information as quickly as she had before. The frontal lobes were damaged and did not allow her to screen out her thoughts and ideas. As a result she would blurt out exactly what she is thinking.

Her frustrations many times were instant and fueled her anger. This perfectly normal looking woman was quickly was out of control. What do you do under these circumstances? Here are ten tips that have helped me over the years to cope and take right actions.

1. It is most important that you remain calm. If you allow your emotions to escalate with theirs it will only "add fuel to the fire." Staying calm is the absolute best thing you can do to diffuse the situation.

2. Ask everyone to remain calm and leave the area quietly. This will take away the "audience" and take away undue attention. It will also "save" you and your loved one some embarrassment.

3. Talk in a calm voice; keep your facial expressions neutral. Your angry facial expressions will only escalate an already volatile situation.

4. Use physical restraint only if your loved one is hurting themselves or threatening you.

5. Do not confront or "get in their face" at this moment because this will usually escalate their behaviors.

6. Allow the "storm" to pass in its own time. Sometimes trying to force this process along only makes it last longer.

7. Step away, if possible and allow them to regain composure in their own space.

8. Refrain from "preaching" and passing judgment on them about their behaviors, more than likely they already know their actions were inappropriate.

9. Give them plenty of space to pull themselves together. Talking to them too soon may start the whole process all over again. Let them approach you first. Many times after your loved one settles down they will realize they were out of line and may apologize for their actions. If they don't, I suggest you letting it go. Peace is more important than another outburst.

10. Most importantly, give yourself some time to regroup. On the outside you have remained calm; however, on the inside your nerves may be shot. Meditate, pray, take a walk, do something you enjoy that will settle your nerves and get you back to your center.

Learning this process takes practice and patience. If you blow it (and you will) learn from your mistakes, let it go and work on improving the process the next time.