When Your Husband’s Sex Drive Is Gone

As a sex therapist and psychologist in Orange County, CA, I have found that a lot of people believe that it’s always the woman who has no sex drive. But that is a myth. Women also call to complain that their husband or male partner has no interest in sex. Women who have a husband with low libido, like men with wives who have no drive, also state that they feel rejected, unloved, and unattractive. In part because of the myth that “men always want sex,” they sometimes feel even more desperate than their male counterparts. They experience intense sadness and become frustrated. And, like men, women who are dissatisfied with their sex lives may stray outside their marriage to get their needs met.

So what does it mean when a man loses interest in being intimate with his wife? When it comes to sex, even if you’re not talking about it, you’re communicating something. When a man withholds sex from his partner, more often than not, he’s expressing displeasure with some aspect of the relationship. What displeases a man is differs from situation from situation. He may feel unappreciated, hurt, or angry. He may lack confidence or feel bad about his body. A man might feel confused about his feelings for his partner. He may be afraid to talk to her about how he really feels, hiding his unhappiness. Or he may simply be under stress, worried, or depressed.
But getting a man to open up and talk about his unhappiness directly can be difficult. Quite often, he himself has no idea why he’s upset. All he knows is that he doesn’t much feel like having sex, and there the story ends, leaving his partner frustrated. That’s when a therapist can be helpful.

It can be difficult to convince a man to come into therapy, if a woman thinks this might be helpful. He may call it “hocus pocus,” accuse the therapist of “just wanting to make money off of us,” or feel too embarrassed to talk about his problems. If you can meet with someone that either specializes in sex therapy or working with male clients, you have a better chance that the male partner will be put at ease.
Even though this is a difficult situation, it can be important that a woman supports her partner. His lack of interest in sex may be tough for him, too. Instead of making threats or saying things meant to be hurtful, work on the problem together.

I do frequently advise that physical problems be ruled out. Unless you’re trained in medicine, you really can’t tell just by looking or studying someone’s behavior what might be going on in someone’s body. Low testosterone and other medical problems can interfere with desire. So can use of substances like alcohol, marijuana, and even nicotine. Ideally, you may be able to find a urologist with a special interest in sexual medicine, but if that isn’t possible, having a frank discussion with a general practitioner (GP) can be helpful.