In the space of one breath, I moved from a place of conscious breathing to a space of intense grief. Grief deep and profound... This particular experience of grief was a surprise. My dear friend had passed after an intense experience with a progressive disease, five months before. Her journey was long and it had given me time to accept her passing, to support her and learn even more about loss and grief.

What was surprising was to experience this profound grief welling up from its invisible hiding place. Moment to moment, month to month I hadn't felt it. In the depths of sleep, the routines and adventures of the day I didn't see it. So where was it hiding? Why was it so invisible, this intense energy of grief?

I was so certain that I had processed all that surrounded my friends experience; her lessons and mine. The opportunities to make amends, to celebrate our life journey, to be in gratitude for every aspect of living, even those aspects that seemed the most challenging.

Instead I discovered that my grief had been hiding.

I had, without awareness, clothed my grief in a series of costumes. Costumes of working, filling my days with activities, supporting family to achieve closure of estate business, clearing the house of possessions: Being "strong, competent, available and helpful". Finally there was nothing left to do- the house was sold, the possessions distributed, the temporary closeness with her siblings dissolved. Finally, I was left with myself.

It was my participation in a series of Conscious Connected Breathing Workshops in South Africa, led by Dan Brulé, that created an experience of inner stillness, a place without thought. Conscious Connected Breathing supported me, moved my attention and relaxed my body. I was able to let go. It was in the process of letting go of thought and physical tension, in the awareness focused upon the breath that the hiding place of grief was exposed. Pervasive, artfully camouflaged by over caring, over doing and last but not least, camouflaged by the sedation provided by the anesthesia of habit and entertainment. It was made visible through the most simple, natural and elegant of acts: Conscious Breathing.

I was surprised, not that grief was present. I was surprised that feelings this intense and deep could remain hidden, so long undetected. The breath then became an agent of change. The breath became the messenger of movement.

Reawakening the flow of life within me, I felt myself literally waking up. A veritable Sleeping Beauty awakened from a dreamless sleep, energized and engaged. I could literally feel the grief, coming to the surface. Like a wave, washing over and through me and leaving behind a clean and open channel for life's energy to flow through me even stronger, clearer and more powerfully than before.

Have you experienced loss? Does grief hide within you?

Change your ordinary thoughts
Live an extraordinary life
Linda Heller
3Keys to Personal Freedom

Author's Bio: 

Linda shares a special passion for the integration the Power of Personal Language with T.R.’s Sacred Principles and Conscious Connected Breathing to support people who desire to live their lives in freedom and congruency and create new and even more loving connections with families, partners, clients and themselves. She offers workshops locally and internationally where participants explore their use of personal language. Through this exploration they develop and practice new language that they take from their workshop experience and immediately apply to living each day more fully and developing loving and healthier personal relationships.