Women go out with jerks because of reasons you would not suspect. None of them are logical. None of them are “right” or “fair” in a fair world. It is unfair that sexual attraction and dating are “unfair” once you learn the nature of human instincts between the genders.

The reason that they date “jerks” is usually even a surprise to THEM, and can be filled with stories of hurt feelings, destructiveness, and even abuse. You can rail all you want against this outrage but it will not change the ancient basic nature of human instinct.

It’s illogical.

They date jerks because of the mechanics of what can be called AROUSAL.

Arousal for both men and women is a call to arms, an alarm bell in the brain going off which threatens that without imminent ACTION, one could feel shame – which is the diminishment of a man’s masculinity or a woman’s femininity. While numerous things can cause shame, and I go into them all in my materials, if this happens, one feels a necessary call to action to avoid the displeasure associated.

But there is another cause for arousal, and that is the seeking of PLEASURE or PASSION, which is to say that which raises a man’s masculinity or a woman’s femininity. Here is a very positive reason to become aroused, and yet there happen to be two types which both Freud and Darwin would be in agreement on.

Arousal happens due to either there being a threat or opportunity to one’s SURVIVAL, or a threat or opportunity for one’s ability to REPRODUCE.

When we think of arousal or passion we most often think of romantic situations and ones in which sex could take place.

However, the words arousal and passion have also been used in just one other area of the human condition – that which threatens our lives, as in “crimes of passion,” or which involves “feeling more alive” or “on top of the world,” as in being “aroused from sleep,” or a cheer “arose form the crowd.”

And this is why women date bad boys and jerks. There is a certain “threat” to them, a “danger” which is alarming and palpable. When paired with some occasional friendliness, it gives the woman something to wonder about. “Is he dangerous? And if so, could he be dangerous to things that threaten ME if I am his woman?” These questions give the woman a sense of ironic safety and yet mystery about the badboy and jerk.

So her unconscious feminine instincts draw her to his danger arousal, but that often flips into SEXUAL AROUSAL when he is kind to her. Arousal is arousal is arousal to the primitive areas of the brain, until our higher intellectual ability to decode social scenarios kicks in, and while in the gray area in between, the badboy and jerk are alluring to women.

Which is not to say that you should BE a badboy or jerk… only that you should cultivate a little less people pleasing and niceness, and more firmness and solidness to what works for you as choices, and what does not.

This ability comes from what I teach about, as your PERSONAL BOUNDARY.

Don’t be a jerk, but don’t be a “nice guy.” Be a guy who is firm, and knows what he wants.

Author's Bio: 

Paul Dobransky, M.D. is a board-certified psychiatrist, public speaker and relationship expert who has treated more than 10,000 patients in 15+ years in clinical psychiatric care. Journalists and clients worldwide have sought Dr. Paul's advice on dating, relationships and all aspects of human psychology.

Dr. Paul pioneered MindOS, a new, patent-pending approach to understanding relationships, mood problems and stress. MindOS synthesizes all schools of therapy into a single, effective system-based approach that uses plain language to help people understand psychology and solve problems. Go to http://www.menspsychology.com/ to learn more.