A Call Out to All Perfectionists and Overachievers
A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.
Primary topic: Mind Body Healing
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A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.
I’ve written before about pain as a vital messenger, letting us know what needs to be addressed in our mind-body system. Symptoms and pain certainly wake us up to the need to take an internal peek at ourselves, mentally, emotionally, and also physically. I’ve written a lot about the mental and emotional aspect of healing, but it’s important not to forget the physical aspect, too.
If you’ve been following my blog for a while, you know the drill. You know you have to feel emotions that arise on a daily basis, because avoiding and therefore storing them in your body creates tension and pain. Obviously, no one is going to be perfect at feeling emotions. However, I, like you, have the goal to feel as pain-free and healthy as possible. This keeps me motivated to continually allow myself to have emotions, albeit imperfectly.
A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.
When I was 19, I started having very strange bladder problems. I noticed I always felt like I needed to urinate, and yet I never felt as though I could quite empty my bladder. I woke up several times a night to use the restroom. Sometimes I had to sit and wait on the toilet for what seemed like an ete ity to relax my muscles enough to go. I felt embarrassed by the whole issue and didn't really talk about it with anyone. I hated road trips, which were bound to be agonizing, and had trouble sitting through concerts and other events.
Just about once or twice a day, my tendency toward perfectionism rears its head. It’s a trait I’ve had from birth, according to my mother. I’ve become well-acquainted both with its usefulness and how it often gets in my way.
Most of us start the self-discovery journey that is mind-body healing because we’re in pain. Maybe we’re struggling with vulvodynia, interstitial cystitis, irritable bowel syndrome, or pelvic floor dysfunction. Maybe we have chronic back pain. Maybe we’ve been dealing with depression or anxiety. We come to self-discovery through the back door of suffering, but before we know it, self-discovery in itself becomes the focus.
After years of struggling with physical pain and other uncomfortable sensations such as vulvar burning, rawness, and itching, I felt exhausted. I was so sick of pai I wanted to give up, somehow, or run away. I longed to jump out of my own skin and just escape. I was going crazy dealing with the pain, and I really hated it, feared it, and obsessed about it. My whole life centered around this terrible thing called pain. (And itching - let's not forget that. Anyone who has suffered vestibulitis with itching knows the madness involved in that sensation.)
Most of us are not hoping to wake up every morning and feel intense panic or desperate fear. If we could ask for anything, we’d probably ask for peace. Peace for others, peace for the entire planet, and peace within ourselves. Yet, when we face health problems and physical pain, peace seems impossible. Fear and panic are driving our lives, and our emotional states can vary wildly from depression to high anxiety.
Okay, ladies. It’s time to stop sucking in your stomach. Take a quick survey. Are you sucking it in right now? If so, here’s the big question: WHY? (Really, is anyone looking at your stomach in this very moment?) A few weeks ago, I realized I had inadvertently engaged in this unhelpful habit yet again. I was walking around, breathless, holding my lower abdominal muscles inward throughout the day. Ack! This is a habit I spent a good year breaking, so I was annoyed to find it had returned.
To understand this blog post, you have to know that I have a thing for natural bodies of water. Whenever we were traveling during my childhood, I would veer off into rivers, lakes, ponds, or the ocean whenever possible. I love being in water, love feeling the river current, the ocean waves, the rocks and sand beneath my feet. I love the sound of water flowing, falling, and crashing. Water helps me connect to myself. It helps me manage my creative flow (which is sometimes strong and overwhelming). It helps me allow my emotions to flow. To me, it represents everything joyful in life.
I’ve been giving myself a fun assignment lately, and it’s working so well I want to share it with all of you. It has had a profound effect on my state of energy, which is truly the source of all health – life force energy, chi, prana – whatever you want to call it.
A year ago, I was sitting here at this same desk, planning last year’s Mind-Body Coach Training. I was imagining a great group of trainees, fixing up the forum where they would interact, and sending out the announcements in my newsletter. I thought I knew exactly what my plans were for the next couple of years. I’d train one last round of coaches. I’d build a new website, and I’d continue creating with my business partners. I’d scale back my own business and do a lot more collaboration. I moved forward quickly, as usual, with all of my plans. There was just one, tiny problem.
So much of the work I do with clients comes down to setting healthy boundaries. This was a major learning curve for me in my own life. Afraid of upsetting or angering others, I would make decisions based on exte al factors like someone’s approval or disapproval, or “rules” set by other people.
A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.
I think this blog post might be an ode to the mind-body healing process. I’ve been reflecting lately on how incredibly grateful I am to have learned what I’ve learned about my body, my emotions, and my inner wisdom. Ten years ago, I was in agony, suffering through each day, unable to live normally and in constant pain. Vulvodynia and interstitial cystitis ruled my life. I was overweight and at war with my body. I didn’t know myself. I was depressed.
I just finished teaching a business class for a group of life coaches. It was a business class like no other. At one point I clearly said, “Stop using logic to figure out your marketing.” You would think that advice would make the class members run for the hills, terrified of me and my wacky ways. No logic? In business? How can one possibly succeed as an entrepreneur without logic? Easily. In fact, more easily. That’s the whole point. Letting go of logic leads to effortless success. I am not making this up – this is how I operate as an entrepreneur and coach.
Self-pressure is my term for the mental expectations you have about yourself that differ from what you really need in this moment. It’s an instant stress-creator. Self-pressure can seem very subtle until you get used to noticing it. For example, I often decide I’m going to work out X number of days in a week, for X number of minutes. This is an arbitrary mental choice, not based on any of my body or soul’s actual needs. Automatically, I have set myself up to feel stress and pressure – from me.
Pain is the ultimate waker-upper. There’s probably a real word for that, but I can’t think of it right now. Waker-upper works, because it’s actually pain’s job description. Whether it’s physical pain, emotional pain, or mental pain, it makes you sit up and take notice. Yeah, I know – what a seriously annoying alarm clock! Yet, good old pain is really trying to help you out. It’s just that sometimes we’re not clued in to what it’s trying to say. We’re awake, but we’re mainly focused on getting the damn alarm to stop buzzing.
Today something really strange happened. I sat down to write my blog post for the week, and I came up empty. Writing blog posts is one of my favorite things to do. I love writing, I love talking about the mind-body connection, and I love the unending conversation with you out there in cyber-space. I have a bulletin board on my wall filled with post-its, and on each one is a blog post idea. I’m looking at it right now, and there are seventeen ideas sitting there.
Several weeks ago, I wrote a blog post about the In-Between. I was feeling strange because everywhere I looked, my life seemed to be in transition. It felt like that moment between an inhale and exhale, when everything is suspended, and nothing is happening. It seemed to be lasting forever to my “go, go, go” personality. I love creating and doing stuff, and I’ve had to learn how to trust the times when I’m not.
My question was this: what are you surrendering to right now? I’m surrendering to not knowing what will happen if I give pregnancy and motherhood another shot, post miscarriage. Which led me to ponder this familiar question: Do I really know anything? There’s a doozy for my inner brainiac! What? Not know stuff? She and I have had this discussion before, but she’s still a big fan of knowing stuff. Yet, truly, I cannot know what will happen in the next moment, much less the next day, week, month, or year. I can plan. I can intend. I can imagine. I can dream. But I can’t know.
Self-pressure is my term for the mental expectations you have about yourself that differ from what you really need in this moment. It’s an instant stress-creator. Self-pressure can seem very subtle until you get used to noticing it. For example, I often decide I’m going to work out X number of days in a week, for X number of minutes. This is an arbitrary mental choice, not based on any of my body or soul’s actual needs. Automatically, I have set myself up to feel stress and pressure – from me.
After I had been to see a vulvovaginal specialist for my interesting mix of vulvar dysesthesia, vulvar vestibulitis, pelvic floor syndrome, and interstitial cystitis, I had a complete meltdown. I really thought this doctor would save me from the nightmare and give me my life back. I had suffered an allergic reaction to a yeast cream and had hives all over the vulvar region as well as my upper chest. Even after the hives subsided, I had the most intense itching I had ever experienced. I had always suffered bouts of vulvar itching – even when I was as young as three years old. This itching,
It can definitely be a learning curve to practice self-kindness, so this week I’d like to talk about step two: actively creating self-kindness in your mind. Once you start recognizing when you are beating yourself up or judging yourself, you have opened the window to do something different with your mind. It might feel like you’ve just cracked the window, but I promise, you’re letting in some fresh air!
The other day I went to coffee with my personal trainer, and we were chatting about fitness, the urge women have to do endless, hideous (in my opinion, of course) hours of cardio exercise instead of strength training, and our cultural viewpoint around women with muscles and strength. She mentioned she was giving a workshop entitled “Strong is the New Skinny.” I loved that phrase so much I could practically feel a blog post writing itself as we spoke.
In my own mind-body health maintenance plan, I have recently been focusing on being as completely authentic as possible. I’ve noticed over the years that the more tuned in to my body I am, the more it leads me to be completely honest with myself about myself.
My Inner Healer and I became very good friends after my first appointment with a breathing and relaxation instructor named Kathleen. Deep breathing is a fantastic way to start listening to your Inner Healer. Breathing is magical. It stops panic, it brings your awareness to your thoughts, it allows you to access your inner self, and it moves your physical body into a relaxed, allowing state that enables healing.
As you know from previous posts, I’m in the middle of doing a bunch of new stuff with my business and website. It’s all very exciting and good, but it is requiring a lot of creativity at the moment. My house is littered with post-its containing snippets of ideas. When I’m at the grocery store, I find myself pausing to email myself ideas. I spend long minutes staring into space while my creative brain does its thing.
In Martha Beck's book, Finding Your North Star, she discusses the concept of the essential self. Your essential self is the calm, peaceful, wise you who knows exactly what you need in every moment of your life. When you feel flashes of intuition, you are hearing the voice of your essential self. When you get a gut feeling, your essential self is communicating with you. Your essential self is in harmony with everything and will always tell you what is right for you. If you're listening, that is.
I recently coached a client through a hysterectomy, working on her fears about the surgery, her worries about anesthesia, and her conce s about her doctors. Health crises bring surges of emotion into our lives, and if we don’t know what to do with all these emotions, we run the risk of making the experience much more unpleasant and painful than it needs to be. Fear, panic, depression, and anxiety never help health problems, and they aren’t any fun to feel, either.
It’s a new year, and many people have geared up to make life changes. Most of these changes require some kind of effort or hard work, and there’s a focused, determined feel to these life change plans. It’s just how we do things, for some reason. White-knuckled willpower, elbow grease, no pain no gain. So it makes sense that when you decide to heal yourself using mind-body tools, you apply the same approach. I sure did. I gave myself rules. I created unrealistic structure. I worked hard.
I just got off the phone with ten incredible, amazing people. I’ve been blessed that way, lately. Last week I got to coach and teach at the Martha Beck Master Coach Intensive in Huntington Beach, CA. I spent four days in the presence of brilliant coaches taking their final steps in the six-month long Master Coach program. This week I watched my own Mind-Body Coaches finish up their training with me. I am surrounded by these truly magnificent people who are serving the world each in their own unique way.
I’ve been writing a lot about stress lately, because it’s a universal issue we all face. There are many underlying causes of stress, one of which is perfectionism, which I’ve addressed in the last couple of weeks. If you enjoyed the Three Simple Steps to Calm Your Inner Perfectionist post, you might want to check out this video by Martha Beck. It’s fantastic!
I was reading fellow coach Jeannette Maw’s blog post about her belly spell this week (The belly spell really cracked me up! Soooo funny! I love Jeannette!) and it inspired this post. I have struggled for many years – my entire life, actually – with body image issues. I can remember clearly when I first started disliking my body. I was ten years old, just beginning those pre-teen, puberty-ridden years, and I saw a video of myself. I was horrified. From that day on, I fought with my body.
A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.
When I’m talking to mind-body newbies, they often ask me if I like living the mind-body lifestyle. They are usually worried that they’ll have to torture themselves for life with something un-fun and limiting. Happily, the mind-body lifestyle is quite the opposite! Today’s article is an example of what it’s like to live this way, so that you can come sit in my living room with me and experience how I stay pain-free.
This weekend, I was feeling a little disconnected, stressed, and tense. My shoulders were inching up around my ears and clearly holding some kind of emotion. I knew it was time to walk my talk, so I mind-body coached myself.
The primary reason we end up with chronic pelvic pain syndromes is surprisingly simple. Our bodies are designed to respond to danger and stress with the fight or flight response. Two very important things happen when we experience this physiological response consistently, day in and day out. One, our muscles tighten and clench, holding chronic tension. Two, our immune systems suffer and we become susceptible to illness.
Here’s what I’ve learned in the last six months: Grief has no schedule. And, it’s highly disorganized. What a pain! Wouldn’t it be nice to block out ten minutes on the calendar for “Have a Good Cry/Beat on a Few Pillows” and have emotions fit perfectly into your day? Many of my clients have remarked that they long for this. Me too. Well, here’s how much luck I’ve had scheduling my emotions during the grieving process: 0%.
My favorite thing about mind-body healing is that it surprises everyone. All of my clients arrive at their sessions ready to work. They have their pens out, notebooks open, best school behavior at the ready, and are generally prepped to do it right – even perfectly. They are ready to put in some effort, try hard, and make things happen. They plan to create health with sheer willpower alone.
Your body wants you to stop panicking. When you push the panic button, you also push the adrenaline (and other stress hormones) button.
Confidence. Self-worth. Who doesn’t want those things? Yet, they can be oh so elusive. I’m in the middle of creating all kinds of new material to help others gain confidence, because I know what it feels like to not like myself, or to like myself and still not feel totally confident. So here’s a deep, dark, confidence secret. SHHHHH. Close the door. Ready?
Have you ever woken up to your to-do list and found yourself dragging your feet? Have you ever felt like your body was filled with lead and actually doing the items on your list was harder than pushing a boulder uphill? Have you ever forced yourself to do them all anyway, and ended up feeling exhausted, doing less-than-awesome work, and feeling downright horrible? Nah. That’s probably never happened to you. It has, however, happened to me! At least a few times each month, I experience this phenomenon we call resistance.
Your symptoms are flaring. You are in full panic mode, and you want out. Your chest is tight, your muscles tense, your breathing shallow. You would do anything to escape this feeling, and you're even realize the feeling is just as awful as the actual physical pain. You want relief. Here's how you can push the un-panic button.
Now you know why investigating your emotions can help you heal, and you've done some work to find the main culprits. Negative emotions, besides hindering your healing, just aren't much fun. It's not exactly something you've dreamed of - feeling fear, panic, anger, or despair (to name a few of the biggies) on a daily basis.
When I first realized I was putting immense and constant pressure on myself, and that the pressure was causing my body to revolt, it was like putting on glasses for the first time. I could see clearly how much I was beating myself up, trying to be perfect, judging myself, and otherwise rejecting who I really am. No wonder my muscles were tense, my body hurt, and I felt terrible about myself.
We’re coming to the close of another year and heading into that familiar tradition of taking stock and making New Year’s resolutions. I, for one, will not be partaking of this tradition.
Your body responds to everything you think, feel, and do. You and your body are so intimately connected that you cannot make a move without hearing your body’s opinion. There is no time during the day in which you and your body are not living the same life. Think about that – with everyone else in your life, you have moments of separation. With your body, that simply cannot happen.
One of the delightful elements of coaching (and there are many) is getting to meet so many different women. Every week, I talk to women from different walks of life and different parts of the country and world. Though no two women are the same, there is one thing they seem to have in common: they are unaware of their own incredible, amazing, stunning awesomeness.