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Articles by Bryce Kaye

Browse published articles attributed to Bryce Kaye, with full-archive search.

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By Bryce KayeRecently published1 topic

Letting Go of a Bad Marriage or Relationship

Having worked with thousands of relationships, I have a few tips for those of you want to cut your losses and leave a bad one. First of all, let's dispense with the notion of immediate "friendship." If you've been struggling with a destructive relationship, then you're going to need more distance than that. Friendship is possible when both parties have fairly good emotional boundaries around what's private and not common ground. Coming from a destructive relationship, those boundaries are going to need time to be regenerated.

Primary topic: Marriage Coaching

Marriage Coaching

3,987 views2/5 (1)

By Bryce KayeRecently published1 topic

The Paradox of Intimacy in a Healthy Marriage

To many of us, the struggle for intimacy may seem just as paradoxical. Most of us want to be intimate, to feel emotionally connected with another. At the same time, we want to be independent and self-sufficient. This conflict and tension is at the core of what it means to be human. To emphasize either need too much over the other is to tilt a person into a dehumanizing disequilibrium. If one only seeks a sense of closeness, one loses a sense of oneself as being loveable in one's own right.

Primary topic: Marriage Coaching

Marriage Coaching

3,288 views2/5 (1)

By Bryce KayeRecently published1 topic

Misguided Hope in Marriage and Relationships

"Love is the most powerful force in the universe." Most of us actually believe that, if love is strong enough, it will create a healthy relationship in addition to changing the course of rivers and moving mountains. Forgive my indulgence in cynicism but the parallel is appropriate. For some relationships, a favorable outcome is about as probable. Many people are confused because the conventional wisdom about love is not very wise. The common assumption is that a strong love is an intense love and that the stronger the feeling, the longer it will last.

Primary topic: Marriage Coaching

Marriage Coaching

2,359 views2/5 (1)

By Bryce KayeRecently published1 topic

Negotiating for Space in Relationships and Marriage

"I need some space!" is a familiar expression to most of us, either from the giving or receiving end. I suspect that more women have heard this expression from men than vice-versa. This is probably because more men adopt the evader role in the pursuer-evader dance of boundary-troubled relationships. "Space" is the word that many of us use to describe the sense of being separate, independent, and most especially, not responsible for meeting another person's needs and expectations. Actually, the desire for that sense of relief is very natural and healthy.

Primary topic: Marriage Coaching

Marriage Coaching

1,690 views2/5 (1)

By Bryce KayeRecently published1 topic

Character Traits That Promote Intimacy and Avoid Marriage Problems

Over the past 35 years, I have seen thousands of couples in marriage counseling. I thought it might be interesting to list out the personal traits and values of the most competent partners who do the best at maintaining their relationships. Instead of taking your partner's inventory I would suggest that you take an honest look at yourself. See where you might like to do you future growth. Here's the list:

Primary topic: Marriage Coaching

Marriage Coaching

1,558 views2/5 (1)

By Bryce KayeRecently published1 topic

The Voyage to Intimacy on a Nautical Marriage Retreat

They called from their remote fishing village in British Columbia. They had been on the precipice of a divorce but had backed away in horror after getting a closer look at all the damage that would have followed. They were willing to try the radical alte ative of a private seven-day sailing odyssey with a psychologist and his wife to various towns along the rivers and sounds of North Carolina. They had found our website and read some of my book before calling us for help.

Primary topic: Marriage Coaching

Marriage Coaching

1,931 views1/5 (1)

By Bryce KayeRecently published1 topic

Beautiful Anger in Marriage and Relationships

Anger. Isn't that the emotion that wrecks relationships? Terrifies children? Provokes violence? How can anyone say anything positive about it? For many of us who have grown up in dysfunctional families, trying to appreciate anger may seem like extolling the virtues of migraines.

Primary topic: Marriage Coaching

Marriage Coaching

1,208 views2/5 (1)

By Bryce KayeRecently published1 topic

Beyond Equality in Marriage and Relationships

There is a useful term that one hears relative to investments but is rarely mentioned when discussing relationships. The term is "equity." We more often hear people discuss "equality" in relationships. Unfortunately, equality is not nearly as constructive a concept for guiding a couple to creative solutions. When people discuss equality in a relationship, they usually ignore a basic reality: people are not equal. They are not equal in that needs and desires usually differ.

Primary topic: Marriage Coaching

Marriage Coaching

1,134 views2/5 (1)

By Bryce KayeRecently published1 topic

Wise Mistakes in Marriage and Relationships

For a good while, I've had to talk to numerous people about how to let go of harmful relationships. Getting out of harmful relationships has been a very hot topic in the press for several years. The topic seems relevant to the needs of many. However, there is a danger to such a negative outlook. With such a collective focus on avoiding or escaping from destructive relationships it's easy to overlook the natural and non-pathological ways that relationships often do not work out.

Primary topic: Marriage Coaching

Marriage Coaching

1,557 views1/5 (1)

By Bryce KayeRecently published1 topic

The Option of Climbing Into Love

Ahhh, that feeling! Your spirit soars. You feel like you're being lifted higher and higher. If feels so good it must be right. Right? Maybe you'd better watch out for those cruel rocks below! How many of us have taken that flight, only to plummet to despair when our illusions are shattered. Perhaps the expression that you "fall" in love contains hidden wisdom that warrants attention. Falling is usually a passive act in which we don't have much conscious choice about what is going to happen. We are victim to other forces beyond our control. Sometimes we land all right, sometimes not.

Primary topic: Marriage Coaching

Marriage Coaching

1,415 views1/5 (1)

By Bryce KayeRecently published1 topic

Due Diligence Responsibilities for a Healthy Marital Relationship

Having seeing thousands of couples in therapy and marriage retreats, I finally decided to create a crib sheet that outlines the most fundamental responsibilities that emotionally balance a long-term relationship. Many people think that a solid marriage involves closeness without anger or friction. But that's not what I observe. Good marriages, the ones that remain passionate over decades, are usually very dynamic. There's conflict but it's very constructive and disciplined. In fact, it serves a very important purpose.

Primary topic: Marriage Coaching

Marriage Coaching

1,194 views1/5 (1)

By Bryce KayeRecently published1 topic

Cultivating Spirituality Without the Baggage of Religion

It starts with a single question. It's a deceptively simple question: Do you want to live a meaningful life? The answer seems ridiculously obvious. You probably think "Yes. Of course." It doesn't require reflection and most people stop their line of thinking right there. But if you ponder the question in much depth then you'll find yourself in a maze of prickly issues. What's the meaning of meaning? How do you evaluate whether your life is meaningful or not? If your life is meaningful then how can you make it even more meaningful? The answers to these questions are not obvious at all.

Primary topic: Marriage Coaching

Marriage Coaching

2,030 views

By Bryce KayeRecently published1 topic

Spiritual Transcendence of the Quantum Self

I can recall the moment with utmost clarity even though it occurred nearly 40 years ago when I was 23 years old. I remember how my breathing quickened and my body surged with excitement as the car headlight beams illuminated the huge buck deer standing on its hind legs with its neck stretched up into the apple tree. His antler rack gleamed in the headlight's glare and I agonized that I had no cartridges for the 30-06 rifle in the car trunk. But there was something else that I now consider fascinating albeit shameful. It was the fact that while I stared at that deer, I felt no ambivalence.

Primary topic: Marriage Coaching

Marriage Coaching

2,024 views

By Bryce KayeRecently published1 topic

When Empathy Becomes Codependence

There's a joke I once heard about codependence: How can you tell if a drowning woman, is codependent? Answer: Someone else's life passes in front of her eyes. Of course, the female gender holds no monopoly on codependence but I report the joke as it was told to me by a "recovering" person in AA. I tell that joke a lot when doing therapy, not out of disrespect but for its illustrative albeit exaggerated truth. Like drowning people who can't think of themselves first, many people focus on their partner's feelings and needs to the exclusion of their own.

Primary topic: Marriage Coaching

Marriage Coaching

1,695 views

By Bryce KayeRecently published1 topic

When Trust Is Not Enough in a Relationship

"Trust". It's one of those sacred words in relationship lingo that automatically projects an aura of goodness and wholesomeness. Conversely, "mistrust" seems to reek of evil and pathology. If you ever want to evoke visceral and mindless reaction from someone, just ask "Don't you trust me?" Most people will reflexively and thoughtlessly reassure you that "Of course" they do. The won't take the time to define the various ways in which they mistrust you as well. "Healthy mistrust" seems close to being an oxymoron like "military intelligence"... or "unhealthy trust." That's unfortunate.

Primary topic: Marriage Coaching

Marriage Coaching

1,643 views

By Bryce KayeRecently published1 topic

Authoring the Colors of Our Own Spirituality

On August 8th, 1999 I received the call from my mother: "Bryce, it's happened." My father had died after his long struggle with bladder cancer. It was hardly unexpected but I still felt profound grief. We had a week to prepare for the funeral but I had been preparing in other ways for at least 30 years. We had shared hunting trips together for decades largely because of my awareness that our time together would be limited. I had thanked him 8 years previously for all of the memories, his love and his support.

Primary topic: Marriage Coaching

Marriage Coaching

1,564 views

By Bryce KayeRecently published1 topic

Our Most Cherished Myths About Love

In working with thousands of couples over the years, I have found certain themes to emerge again and again. Three of the most frequent themes are really myths about the nature of loving. As myths, they can be very destructive to intimacy. They lead to a misguided effort to create the illusion of love while ignoring the experience of love.

Primary topic: Marriage Coaching

Marriage Coaching

1,534 views

By Bryce KayeRecently published1 topic

All In The Name of Honesty

How many times has each of us received an emotional wound followed by the justification, "I'm only being honest!" "Honesty" is like other sacrosanct words like "love", "unselfish", and "caring" that have the ability to put people's forebrains to sleep. The mere utterance of the word has the ability to rationalize many behaviors that would otherwise not stand up to close scrutiny. If you are trying to learn how to better defend your privacy and stand up for yourself, then honesty is something you had best get real clear.

Primary topic: Marriage Coaching

Marriage Coaching

1,484 views

By Bryce KayeRecently published1 topic

Deciphering the Enigma in Human Relationships & Marriage

I could tell that Frank and Sandy had bee "bad" the moment they entered my office. Perhaps it was their subdued attitude as if they were bearing a heavy secret. It didn't take long for them to confess even though having sex isn't exactly a mortal sin for a married couple. "Um... We broke the rules. We're sorry. We didn't follow the plan." Frank looked at me guiltily and waited for my response. After a slight hesitation, I jumped out of my seat and frowned at them in the ste est countenance I could muster. Then I shook my finger in their faces.

Primary topic: Marriage Coaching

Marriage Coaching

1,071 views

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