Browse published articles attributed to Daniela Roher, with full-archive search.
The other day you were looking, totally innocently, for a telephone number in your partner’s phone, and what you found was much more than the number you were looking for! Now you don’t know what to do with the information. You have discovered your partner has been sexting with a coworker for a few weeks: How should you handle the situation?
Affective relationships give us a sense of purpose and provide added meanings to our lives, actions, and choices, as they create powerful motivations to set and pursue goals which aim is that of maintaining them. They affect us deeply, offering us opportunities to feel and express emotions that come from our universal need to be in intimate relationships where we love and are loved. Sharing our experiences and emotions enriches us and helps us manage our uncomfortable emotions, better adapting to life’s challenges and partaking of the joys of life in deeper and fuller ways.
It has been going on for quite some time. You started as a joke, sexting an old flame you had not seen since college, but what was a joke at first has become a very intense activity you are involved in regularly now. You went from sexting your old friend to doing it with strangers you met on the internet, and now you are hooked to the chase and don’t even act very carefully any longer…
Let’s discuss one particular use of technology, sexting – sending lewd pictures and texting sexually explicit messages over the phone – in the context of relationships. A case of a public figure caught sexting has recently brought the use of this technological communication to everybody’s attention. There are two myths about this practice that need to be challenged:
A few days ago, the 22nd of September, marked officially the first day of autumn. Although today seems to be pretty similar to yesterday, or any day last week or the week before when it was still summer, somehow there seems to be a difference between then and now, though not quite disce ible at first sight. What is it?
We all know the evils of infidelity. In previous blogs I wrote about them, citing statistics, characteristics of who is most likely to cheat, and what can be done to address these issues. Here I want to approach this subject from a different perspective: infidelity as an alarm system about the state of the relationship, and as an opportunity to make it stronger.
It is normal to be overwhelmed and unsure of what to do, so don’t think you are unique or that there is something wrong with you. If this is your first holiday with your new blended family, expect challenges. Also, don’t think your situation is unique, as more than 50% of American families are re-married or re-coupled households, according to a survey by the Stepfamily Foundation. Here is what can make your holidays fun and provide good memories for everybody:
Taylor had never anticipated she would become a statistic in extra marital affairs. Married for only five years, independent, professionally successful and in love with her partner, she found herself flirting with a colleague who worked in the same office with her. At first it was just a friendship, with lunches, e-mails and text messages when not together, all “strictly about work.” Then the content of these conversations became more personal and intimate and, before she realized it, she started to create excuses to see this colleague.
In the previous blog on sexting, we discussed who uses this technology – most popular among people in the 18-29 age bracket, but also being used by people up to the age of 50 – and why it is becoming more popular – it is fast and anonymous. Additionally, sexting is within reach for most people; it is easy to learn, always available and ready at the touch of a finger, any place, and any time. This coupled with a generally more open and relaxed attitude about sex, has created a huge market for sexting.
Do you remember when you and your partner were getting to know each other? I bet that, when you think back to those early times of your love, you remember what you did together: perhaps you both liked the same music and went to concerts together; or you liked the theater, and went to many plays; or you had meals at favorite spots, or you cycled, hiked, walked, worked out together, sailed or went out for happy hour and these turned into whole evenings of conversation and fun.
As we become more and more technologically connected – to our smart phones, our computers, our IPods and IPads, our Kindle and our video games – are we becoming more disconnected from real life and real people? Or is technology facilitating and enriching human relationships?
Some people feel very strongly that a person cannot be both a friend and a lover, as one will undermine the other. It’s one or the other, these people say, and cite the importance of mystery and the excitement of the new and the exotic as powerful forces that fuel sexual passion and physical attraction and lust between two individuals. How can you feel the attraction, they say, if you know the other person as an open book? When do you ever feel passion for a friend?
In this seventh and last blog on sexting, we discuss what happens after one partner has acknowledged sexting with a third person outside of the primary relationship. How can the two partners rebuild their relationship, or is this impossible to do? First of all, it is important to say that each situation is different, so what applies to one may not apply to another, as there isn’t a single answer that applies to all of them.
There are times in life when we get overwhelmed by our emotions – anger, hurt, sadness, shame, guilt, rage, desperation, terror. They seem to be so powerful and overwhelming that they control us instead of the other way around. They monopolize all our thoughts and energies, not allowing us to focus on anything else. We cannot calm down, we are irritable. Are we losing our mind? No matter what we say to ourselves, it doesn’t seem to help. It feels as though the logical part of our brain is not getting through the emotional one, no matter how hard we try.
Thanksgiving is just around the corner. Families are planning to gather around the table to strengthen their connections to one another and maintain traditions. There is a good side to this holiday, and a not so good one. Let’s start with the happy side.
Users of sexting represent a particular spectrum of the population. Some people don’t seem to realize the meaning or the full impact of their sexting activities on their reputation, career, their families and other people around them.
The acronym DINS (Double Income No Sex) was coined a few years ago in discussions about the evolution of marriage in this country. In research carried out at Georgia State University, 16% of married couples reported they had sex with each other less than once a month. As a psychotherapist working with couples, I agree that the pressures of a fast life and hectic days (and nights) can contribute to the reduction in the frequency and quality of sex in couples who live together, whether married or not.
Loss of trust in a love relationship can come about as a result of infidelity, a partner lying about money, one partner failing to be a loyal ally when needed, and many other ways. Regardless of the cause, when couples are faced with the dilemma of rebuilding trust after a betrayal, there are four strategies that can help. We call these CORE strategies. CORE is an acronym for Communication, Opportunity, Renegotiation, and Empathy.
There are two indispensable elements that make forgiveness possible. Without them, people struggle with anger, hurt, fear and insecurity, without resolution. Let’s take the case of a couple where one partner had an affair. This scenario is not uncommon in our society, where 50% of married people admit to having had at least one extra-marital affair in the course of their marriages.
All intimate relationships are supported by two pillars: Intimacy andSafety. Intimacy implies both closeness and communication (Holmes, J.Attachment, Intimacy, Autonomy, J. Aronson, 1996.) The more we communicate with one another, the closer we get. The closer we get, the easier and deeper our communication.
The step from experiencing sexual urges to acting out on them, in my opinion, is still what should be the measure of a man – or a woman, for that matter. Individuals, in fact, are not only governed by their physiological urges, but are molded by powerful cultural, social, emotional, and moral forces that mediate these urges and, optimally help create and maintain a balance between wishes and impulses on the one hand, and the cognitive abilities on the other that help disce what’s appropriate and what’s wrong.
Today in the paper there was an article about Tom Cruise and Kate Holmes getting divorced. This news, in and by itself, wouldn't have been very surprising, given the high rate of divorce in Hollywood. What was unusual about it, however, were its circumstances. The reporter speculated that the reason for this divorce was possibly a wedding contract Kate Holmes and Tom Cruise had signed at the beginning, stipulating that they would be married to one another for a period of five years. Apparently now the five years are up, so the contract becomes null and void.
Scientists tell us that icebergs – masses of floating ice, like the one that sank the Titanic – have one eighth of their mass above water and seven eights under water. So, when we think we see the whole thing, in reality we see only the tip of it, as the biggest part is hidden.
I remember a couple, old friends of mine, who had been married for over 25 years. They had raised a family; had made major financial decisions together; had achieved common goals throughout their marriage and, I thought, were solidly attached to one another for the foreseeable future…
It is part of popular knowledge that in romantic relationships women want commitment from men, and at some point push, openly or subtly, for a marriage certificate. Men, on the other hand, are assumed to want to explore and experiment, but “cave in” to women’s pressures at some point or another in the course of a romantic relationship. So, how come women, who allegedly want the commitment and security of a stable relationship, are also the ones who are more likely to initiate divorce procedures and give this commitment up?
It is important to remember that in most cases affairs are symptoms of something deeper that is going on in intimate relationships, of which couples may not have been aware. And here is where I can see the silver lining. The affair is such a shocking event in their lives that couples cannot ignore it, while in the past they may have ignored other, less obvious symptoms.
Many people have been studying and discussing the mysteries, the pains and the joys of love as long as humans learned to communicate with each other. With the discovery or reading and writing, personal experiences, as well as emotional and logical theories about love were left by earlier generations to the ones who followed them. These theories ranged from sensible and pseudo-scientific to bizarre and farfetched.
At times people wonder how a stranger – i.e. a psychotherapist or a counselor – can help them with their problems as they feel they are so different from other struggling couples. “How do they – i. e. marriage counselors and couple psychotherapists - know why we are at this point in our relationship?” they ask, and “How do they know what we need to do to get reconnected with one another again?”
In a paper published last year (“Non Marital Romantic Relationships and Mental Health in Early Adulthood: Does the Association Differ for Women and Men?” The journal of Health and Social Behavior, June 2010) the authors found that when a romantic relationship ends, young men suffer more emotional distress than women. Previous studies of how men and women past young adulthood are emotionally affected by pains in love indicated both sexes being similarly affected. So, why the differences between young men and older men?r
We all know that, in a relationship, men look for beauty and women for security. We also know, however, that money tends to play an important role in love for both men and women. So, when things go awry financially, what happens to love?
Why another blog on 9/11? Because I want to remember this date by offering something that hopefully can shed further light on some of the repercussions of the fateful events of ten years ago. As a psychotherapist, I am deeply aware of the importance of traumatic events that occur unpredictably and seemingly without any logical reason, such as the events of 9/11 ten years ago. These events affected each of us individually as well as collectively.
A lot has been written on the various areas of our lives affected by the current economic recession. One area that deserves attention, albeit not as immediately identifiable as others, is that of intimate relationships. When under a lot of stress, intimate relationships often cease to be haven from the storm, and can become the target of the storm. There is more tension and less energy for couples to address the issues and conflicts in their relationship, as they already feel overwhelmed by all the other stressors in their lives.
What happens to couples when they are forced by exte al circumstances to live together? How does this situation affect each partner and their children, if couples have children? I suggest that, rather than fighting their situation – which does not solve the problem anyway – couples should face what is happening to them, understand how they got to this point and explore ways of possibly reconnecting with one another, or let go of their relationship in a healthy way.
A clear correlation between economic pressure and interpersonal conflict in intimate relationships has been established by many experts in relationships.
Many years ago, maybe fifteen or more, Daniela and I both attended a small gathering in Phoenix, Arizona, for professionals interested in deeper approaches to psychological issues. As I recall, this event focused on the father and daughter relationship. Daniela and I ended up sitting next to each other, spontaneously introduced ourselves and began to talk.
The current recession in the U.S. presents some unique challenges to couples. This is due to a very specific set of circumstances that came together in the past two years, particularly in the Southwest and in Florida. Adding to job loss and depletion of savings, couples in these parts of the country had the added stress of dealing with the loss of their homes. And this happened almost ove ight.
Does being together for a long time mean people like each other more or less? Does it mean they are used to each other and settle for habits each one cannot stand in the other? Does it mean love is easier and smoother and there is more tolerance for each other? Does it mean the knowledge of what really counts in life? These many questions have various answers depending on the individual situation of each couple and what they consciously work out with each other.
Most of us enjoy being with others rather than being alone, as being with someone we like is an enjoyable experience. We like to share our reactions to situations and events that amaze us, like going to the Grand Canyon, for instance. As we stare and are awestruck by its beauty and majesty, we like to share this experience with someone close to us, who is feeling the same emotions at the same time as us. Likewise, when we are sad and lonely we seek someone who can hold us, comfort and sympathize with what we are feeling.
Many couples who experience relational problems at some point may consider the option of couples counseling. They often do so when they get so frustrated and stymied by what is happening to them that they do not know what else to do. So, unfortunately, therapy becomes the last option for a lot of distressed couples, rather than an aid earlier on, when couples first notice problematic areas in their relationship.
In the previous blog we discussed some of the main reasons why couples tend to be hesitant to seek professional help when they experience serious relational problems. In this blog we will discuss what makes therapy work.
Let’s discuss what approaches to deal with difficult situations are effective in helping us manage our stress levels and increasing our abilities to cope with it.
We cannot escape stress. We are surrounded by it in our busy lives, where we tend to get as many things done as possible in as short time as possible.
In the previous blog we discussed some of the main reasons why couples tend to be hesitant to seek professional help when they experience serious relational problems. In this blog we will discuss what makes therapy work.