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Donna Torbico/
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Articles by Donna Torbico

Browse published articles attributed to Donna Torbico, with full-archive search.

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By Donna TorbicoRecently published1 topic

HEALTHY OPPOSITES - Change Your Behavior, Change Your Life

For ACoAs- (Adult-Children of alcoholics, abusers, abandoners & other narcissists) ACoAs know how they would like their life to be: TO have a fulfilling career, loving relationships, less pressure, a little fun... and they try, struggle, obsess - but not much changes. They become more & more frustrated & depressed. They grew up around chaos addictions, criticism, rage, depression, abuse & neglect.

Primary topic: Abuse and Recovery

Abuse and Recovery

2,973 views3.6/5 (5)

By Donna TorbicoRecently published1 topic

Childhood LONELINESS (Part 1)

Definition of LONELINESS (L) • Sadness resulting from being forsaken or abandoned • Feeling a strong sense of emptiness, yearning, distress and solitude, from an inadequate quantity or quality of social relationships • Social pain — a psychological mechanism meant to alert people of being too isolated, which can motivate them to seek social connections • Dejected or desolate by the awareness of being alone, without companions. Separation between persons or groupsrnâ¶ Loneliness is a natural phenomenon, since humans are social creatures by nature. Too much of it is crippling. QUOTESr

Primary topic: Abuse and Recovery

Abuse and Recovery

2,374 views5/5 (1)

By Donna TorbicoRecently published1 topic

PEOPLE SHOULD TREAT ME BETTER - But I WON’T LET THEM

ACOA DOUBLE BINDS - Either way we lose ourselves, to stay loyal to the family If you’d like to know about double binds, go to pg. 10 of www.acoarecovery.com. ACoAs have a terrible dilemma: 1. On the one hand we desperately want to be loved, acknowledged, seen, heard. We complain bitterly for years that we have to chase people down, do all the work in relationships, friends don’t come thru for us, we’re too isolated, hate being lonely, we can’t trust anyone...

Primary topic: Abuse and Recovery

Abuse and Recovery

1,928 views4.5/5 (2)

By Donna TorbicoRecently published1 topic

“FEAR IS THE ABSENCE OF LOVE”

LOVE vs FEAR? Fear is an emotion caused by either outer danger or inner false beliefs • Like so many popular ‘spiritual’ saying there’s some truth in it but NOT the whole story, so people can get easily confused & also misuse it. • Generally, this statement means that if we have enough love in our life, we won’t be afraid. Loved by a Higher Power, loved by family, love by pets, love by friends... Yes, these are to be desired & cultivated.

Primary topic: Abuse and Recovery

Abuse and Recovery

4,447 views3/5 (1)

By Donna TorbicoRecently published1 topic

“WHAT OTHERS THINK OF ME IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS”

LONELY CREATURES We’re all social animals, even when we sometimes need our privacy Many people in the mental health field, spiritual practices & new-age wisdom say we shouldn’t worry about what others think of us. Yes, OK, but it’s not that simple! What they don’t tell you is that there’s 2 different aspects, the negative & the positive.

Primary topic: Abuse and Recovery

Abuse and Recovery

2,110 views4/5 (2)

By Donna TorbicoRecently published1 topic

“THEY DID THE BEST THEY COULD”

YES, I WAS HURT BY MY FAMILY, but they were hurting too, poor things! This is a phrase I’ve heard over the years, & it always makes me mad. You may at first think this post is harsh or unfair, BUT please remember that everything our parents were - WE internalized into our Negative Introject. As long as we deny how harmful their actions were toward us - we will continue doing the same to ourselves, mistreat others AND be mistreated as well! (see posts on ‘The Introject’ & ‘Self-hate’). What does this phrase mean?r

Primary topic: Abuse and Recovery

Abuse and Recovery

3,931 views3/5 (1)

By Donna TorbicoRecently published1 topic

What is SHAME?

THE BAD SEED I was born bad & I’ll always be bad Guilt is about actions - it’s the emotion which is caused by disobedience to rules we deeply believe in. On the other hand, SHAME is about our identity - about who we are, fundamentally. It says that our very essence is bad, unlovable, unacceptable - to be eliminated. It makes us: • want to hide, isolate, not talk, try to be invisible • want to be dead! The pain of shame is so great & the conviction that we’re un-redeemable is so deep (not worth saving), that it eliminates Hope. Why bother even trying!r

Primary topic: Abuse and Recovery

Abuse and Recovery

2,458 views4/5 (1)

By Donna TorbicoRecently published1 topic

ACRONYMS for all HEAL & GROW Articles

pgs. = http://www.acoarecovery.com – Then click on SITE MAP ACoAs = adult-children of alcoholics & other abusersr A = Abandonmentrn(A) = Adultr As = Actions A/A = Abuse & Abandonment AC = Adapted Child AEC = Adult Ego State B = Boundaries B.P. = Bad Parent (same as IT) (C) = Child CDs = Cognitive Distortions CES = Child’s Ego State C-R = Cognitive Restructuring Es = Emotions E.S. = Ego States FoA = Fear of abandonmentr FoC = Fear of commitmentr FoO = Family of Originr FoV = Fear of Visibility

Primary topic: Abuse and Recovery

Abuse and Recovery

1,696 views3/5 (1)

By Donna TorbicoRecently published1 topic

AUTONOMY & ATTACHMENT

SERVANT or MASTER of YOUR CASTLE Who’s the boss of you? ACoA SYMBIOSIS (S.) An unhealthy attachment to others as a way to: • compensate for emotional abandonment in childhood • to cope with deep anxiety of being a separate entity • escape having to face the struggle of growing up emotionally • mask self-hate & fear of abandonment As we heal we move thru layers of growth with the ultimate goal of being Inter-dependent. Symbiosis ------>Autonomy -------> Attachment ------> Inter-dependence AUTONOMYr

Primary topic: Abuse and Recovery

Abuse and Recovery

3,399 views

By Donna TorbicoRecently published1 topic

SYMBIOSIS & ACoAs

AM I ME, AM I YOU & ARE YOU ME? I hate myself, but I also want you to be exactly like me! SYMBIOSISr

Primary topic: Abuse and Recovery

Abuse and Recovery

2,987 views

By Donna TorbicoRecently published1 topic

PARENTAL BLAME

We hear a lot in the ‘spiritual’ community about forgiveness- ie - not blaming. That applies to the present - if you’re an adult. And that’s a discussion for another blog. BUT this entry is about what happened TO US as children. A hallmark of alcoholic (& other emotionally unhealthy) families is the mistreatment of their children in all 4 of life’s aspects: Spiritual, Emotional, Mental, Physical. rnâ¼ PARENTAL BLAME is abuse in the first 3 categories !

Primary topic: Abuse and Recovery

Abuse and Recovery

2,649 views

By Donna TorbicoRecently published1 topic

ACoAs: RESCUING - Unhealthy Helping

"I KNOW WHAT YOU NEED! I can take care of you, but not myself" Growing up in dysfunctional families, ACoAs were not allowed to fully develop their own personality & identity, attend to their own needs, or have their own feelings – about anything. We had no choice but to focus on our wounded parents and their needs, moods & demands. (see ‘Toxic rules’) • we were expected to grow up too fast - but only so we could relieve them of the burden of caring for us AND so we could be there for themr

Primary topic: Abuse and Recovery

Abuse and Recovery

2,325 views

By Donna TorbicoRecently published1 topic

SELF-HATE & ACoAs (Part 2)

NOBODY LOVES ME - I’m going to eat worms & die! Part 1: Essence, Source - Past & Present PURPOSE for S-H - TO: • protect our ideal of having good, loving, safe parents • protect us from feeling our old abandonment pain • keep from risking change (fear we’ll die if we S & I) • keep us attached to the family (stave off deep loneliness) • prevent us from dealing with ‘ugly emotions’ like our rage, envy, longing, hopelessness... • protects us from Growing up, taking care of ourselves (we want to be taken care of! no matter what the cost is) â¼ WHY IS IT SO HARD TO GIVE UP S-H?r

Primary topic: Abuse and Recovery

Abuse and Recovery

2,239 views

By Donna TorbicoRecently published1 topic

Personal RESPONSIBILITY

OWNING MY T.E.A You may push my buttons, but I’m responsible for my Thoughts, Emotion & Actions WHAT IS IT? In it’s simplest form: honestly admitting, to ourselves, first of all, what we feel, think & have done - or - not. (Review T.E.A. - Thoughts, Emotions, Actions, pg 54 ) “I cannot tell a lie - I chopped down the apple tree”. Abe Lincoln. And if possible, acknowledge these without judgment, without shame, without guilt. MOST of ALL - without self-hate. BENEFITS:rnâ¶ it eliminates the need for spinrnâ¶ it significantly reduces guilt & shamer

Primary topic: Abuse and Recovery

Abuse and Recovery

1,873 views

By Donna TorbicoRecently published1 topic

ABANDONMENT Pain, Now (Part 2)

ABANDONMENT PAIN IS FROM THE PAST It hurts, but it passes DEFINITION • the DEF for Abandonment (A) is : “Not getting enough of your legitimate childhood needs met, & some needs NOT at all”. This applies to all 4 categories of NEEDS: Mental, Physical, Emotional, Spiritual. (A) is NOT just about someone physically leaving • (A) did not have to be overt or deliberate. Our parents may have been oblivious to the damage they were doing, BUT the result is the samer

Primary topic: Abuse and Recovery

Abuse and Recovery

1,810 views

By Donna TorbicoRecently published1 topic

SELF-HATE & ACoAs (Part 1)

I’M NO GOOD & EVERYONE KNOWS ITrnso I have to be perfect to make up for it Self-Hate is the #1 deterrent to growth for all ACoAs. It undermines our ability to function well, to have self-esteem & to be happy. Some people call it being ‘hard on yourself”, but it’s much more than that. It’s so pervasive in the inner world of many ACoAs, that we don’t even know we have it & if confronted, vehemently deny it. BUT the symptoms are all there, starting with a persistent nagging anxiety. DEF:

Primary topic: Abuse and Recovery

Abuse and Recovery

1,792 views

By Donna TorbicoRecently published1 topic

ABANDONMENT Pain, Now (Part 1)

“I HATE YOU - DON’T LEAVE ME!” I know I don’t deserve you, but I’m desperate â¶ Un-healed ACoAs have only 2 speeds about most things: Too Much or Too Little, black or white, very high or very low. ‘Gray’ is NOT even thought of, or is seen as a cop-out! â¶ Mental Health is about many things, one of which is BALANCE. Living in a healthy middle ground is not only a foreign concept to ACoAs, but IF experienced, even briefly, is considered BORING & undesirable!

Primary topic: Abuse and Recovery

Abuse and Recovery

1,787 views

By Donna TorbicoRecently published1 topic

ACoAs’ Need for REVENGE

MAKE THEM SUFFER ! The same way they made me suffer! This post, of course, is about those of us raised in a variety of abusive, dysfunctional families & communities AS CHILDREN a. Exte al CAUSES - Growing up, our parents & other adults: • blamed us unfairly, for all kinds of things (their problems, other kids’ bad behavior...), attacked & humiliated us, assuming the worst of us... • AND didn’t allow us to defend ourselves, didn’t believe us, never bothered to ask for our side of a situation, weren’t on our side or defended us b. Internal - All children:

Primary topic: Abuse and Recovery

Abuse and Recovery

1,682 views

By Donna TorbicoRecently published1 topic

What is GUILT?

Guilt is not a primary emotion, like anger, joy, sadness... But it is one of the most intense & often-felt emotions by ACoAs. It is a familiar companion of negative self-talk & to actions we believe to be bad, but may not be. Guilt is connected to self-hate: since our default position is that we’re intrinsically bad, anything & everything that goes wrong for us is OUR FAULT. This leads to perfectionism - the obsession about being soooo good, without flaws - that we’ll finally be loved, accepted, understood... BY WHOM? Of course - our family --- & then everyone else in the whole world !

Primary topic: Abuse and Recovery

Abuse and Recovery

1,596 views

By Donna TorbicoRecently published1 topic

HEALTHY HELPING

"I LIKE HELPING! As long as I take care of myself in the process" â¦ Many ACoAs are trained from birth to be helpers, regardless of their native personality style & interests. There’s an ironic saying in recovery circles: “ACOAs are born with an MSW (Masters in Social Work) and get their Birth Certificate later”!

Primary topic: Abuse and Recovery

Abuse and Recovery

1,367 views

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