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Browse published articles attributed to Dorothy Hayden, with full-archive search.
Cybersex is the use of electronic communications for sexual diversion and includes email, texting, and internet porn. The American Bar Association cites that in 2011 a whopping 50% of the divorces it handles have cybersex implicated in the couple’s demise. The harm and emotional wreckage to the partner (co-addict) is enormous.
Relapse in sexual addiction recovery is a reality. While all addictions are relapse prone, it is the sexual recovery community who suffer most from the demoralization of repeated relapse. After all, we can live without ever being around alcohol or drugs, but our sexuality is ever-present. Because ours is a sexualized culture, triggers, cravings, urges, cues, and high-risk situations are everywhere.
A number of years ago, in conjunction with my work with treating sexual addiction, a number of masochistic or submissive men began to come to me for help. The clients I saw did not seem immature or inferior. In fact, the reverse seemed to be true. They were successful by social standards: professionally, emotionally, and culturally, in marriages or out. They were frequently individuals of inner strength of character, possessed of strong coping skills and an ethical sense of individual responsibility.
Frequently Asked Questions · What is sex addiction? Sex addiction is an obsessive relationship to sexual thoughts, fantasies or activities that an individual continues to engage in despite adverse consequences. These thoughts, fantasies or activities occupy a disproportionate amount of "psychic space", resulting in an imbalance in the person’s overall functioning in important areas of life, such as work and marriage. Distress, shame and guilt about the behaviors erode the addict’s already weak self-esteem.r
Steve is a professional musician. A man in his 50's, virile yet sensitive, he is sexually compulsive around fetishistic sex. Since his early teens, Steve had masturbated nearly every night before going to sleep. As he matured, his need for masturbation increased until he was masturbated five or six times a day. He found that if he did not act on these urges, he would remai "horny" all day, which would make him restless, distracted, and irritable.
Brian is an investment backer in his early forties who, in graduate business school, first began to visit prostitutes, spend money on phone sex, compulsively masturbate and, finally spend as much as 5-10 hours a day looking at internet porn. When sexually acting out, he would feel that someone had turned on his brain for the first time. On the net, he would suddenly feel alive. He had energy and felt the euphoria that sexual immersion seductively provides. His mind slowed down; he didn’t need to keep moving.
My work over the last fifteen years as a psychotherapist treating sexual compulsions has brought me into contact with men - and more men. They come to my consulting room wearing the mask of shame, humiliation, and confusion. Often, after a period of therapy, they come to a common link among them: they are depressed. Empty and suffering from a disorder that, for men, can be as hidden as sexual deviance itself, depression in men is hardly spoken about. It is women who are depressed - it's a women's disease -- with depression occurring four times more often in the fairer sex.
In my opinion, long-term psychodynamic therapy is the most efficient way to cultivate healthy personality development. The most comprehensive treatment combines the empathy, insight and relational abilities of a psychodynamic psychotherapist with the 12-step orientation and cognitive-behavioral strategies of an addiction specialist. What IS Psychodynamic Psychotherapy?
The usual response to the suggestion to one of my clients that hypnotherapy might be useful in the treatment of sexual addiction is typical of the general public’s misguided understanding of hypnotherapy: “I’m afraid of going into trance – I might lose control”; “You’ll find out things about me that I don’t even know myself”, or, typically, “I’m just not the type to benefit from hypnosis”.
Understanding Sex Addiction: A Depth Psychology Approach An Introduction to Sex Addiction
Over the years, the people I have worked with have used various words to describe the end result of their compulsive sexual behaviors: words like shame, anger, depression, anxiety, disappointment, self-hatred, hopelessness and helplessness, usually describe their subjective experience after the orgasm is over. Never have I worked with a person who described their sexually addictive experiences with words like, fulfillment, satisfaction, closeness, or ecstasy.
Mindfulness is a method of awareness and introspection which involves a conscious attempt to focus attention intensely on the present moment, noting thoughts, feelings, perception, images and sensation without judging them, participating in them or acting on them. The contents of the mind appear and disappear without reacting to them. One experiences on a fundamental level that every thought, desire, urge or impulse dies a natural death if not fueled by emotional reaction or through behavioral enactment.r
Imagine two funnels, each inverted onto the other. Both the top and the bottom of the funnel represent the cerebral cortex of our brains. It’s what distinguishes us from animals. Rational processes and higher level thinking live in the cerebral cortex. The middle part of the funnel, the constricted part, represents the limbic system of the brain, responsible for instincts, feelings and survival (including food and sex).
The diagnosis of sex addiction is the same as every addiction: loss of control and continued behavior despite adverse consequences. Sexual addiction differs from other addictions, however. Our sexuality reflects unconscious conflicts, longings and wishes of which we are not aware.
The philosophical basis for cognitive therapy goes back to the Stoic Philosophers who taught that it is not the exte al event that causes our distress, but rather our perception or interpretation of the event that is distressing. According to the Stoics, people are capable of considering alte ative perceptions or interpretations by changing the thoughts that underlie emotional distress or sexual dysfunction. This ancient philosophy can help you in your therapy for sex addiction.
Fifteen years ago, people didn’t even know there was such a thing as sex addiction, never mind how to get help for it. With Patrick Carnes’ groundbreaking book Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sex Addiction, people who suffer from self-destructive sexual acts had hope of knowing what ailed them. Since then, the disorder has received tremendous attention from the media and a whole new group of therapists trained to treat sex addiction.
What kinds of ideas is porn putting into our heads? If the wrong things keep getting dumped in, your mental environment can get so polluted that your life is going to have problems. One of the most vital parts of mental environment is a healthy idea of who we are sexually. If these ideas are polluted, a critical part of who we are becomes twisted. To Find Freedom from Porn Addiction: Recognize the Lies
“Brainlock”, a four-step self-help guide for treating OCD is a book written by Jeffrey Schwartz, M.D., a physician who spent most of his career treating and doing research on Obsessive/Compulsive (OCD) behaviors. His has developed a four-part program self-help program that can be used for any unwanted compulsive urges, desires and behaviors.
NLP is an approach to doing psychotherapy that was all the rager
Attachment patterns have to do with how the infant is tended to by his/her primary caregiver, typically the mother. This means that when an infant is upset, or dysregulated, the "good enough" mother soothes the infant thereby regulating his/her nervous system. This kind of consistent tending to and soothing not only assists the brain in forming its regulatory capacities but also encodes or patterns the nervous system to respond appropriately under stress. If a baby is soothed while under duress, that baby will grow into an adult who can soothe himself while under stress.
I've been sitting in a room talking to addicts for 25 years. All kinds of addicts. I've participated in the enormous struggles of alcoholics to get sober, cocaine, heroine, methamphetamine, food, love, nicotine, sex...all kinds of addictions. My conclusion, culled from clinical experience, is that internet porn is THE primary addiction and is, by far, the hardest to kick. My intention in comparing my uncle's cocaine addiction that robbed him dry was to show you that the biochemical dysfunctions of a cocaine addict are exactly the same as those of a long-term porn addict.
The rapid mushrooming of individual 12-step programs throughout the nation and the world in the past 50 years has given millions of people suffering from addiction back their lives, their families, their self-respect and their pride.
The True Self is capable of objectively observing the Sex Addict Self because it's not obsessively preoccupied with getting it's neurotic needs met. Psychoanalysts call this the “observing ego” and it is considered a sign of maturity. Proponents of Eastern spirituality call the True Self “The Witness” because it's essence is conscious awareness of the inner workings of the mind.
Addiction to sexual behavior is a complex disorder that incorporates many aspects of your personality, bio-chemistry, socio-cultural environment, family-of-origin issues, thinking/feeling processes, self-esteem, and quality of relations with others. I see sex addiction as a prism; depending on the angle you hold it up to, it can look completely different.
A sex addiction is a habitual response and a source of sexual gratification or emotional security. It is a way of coping with internal feelings and exte al pressures that provides the Addict” as “Not You”">addict with predictable and consistent immediate gratification, but that has concomitant costs. Eventually these costs may outweigh the subjective benefits the addiction offers. Nevertheless, people continue in their addiction as long as they believe it continues to do something for them.
Sex is surely one of the most powerful of all human experiences. It can drive people to the pinnacle of ecstasy or it can spiral others to the depths of self-loathing and despair. Sexual expression is meant to tie, or connect, to our core sense of self. Sexual energy is part of our life force, our energy for creative and productive attainments, and the source of our passion for life.
Do you have a Problem with Internet Pornography? Do you find yourself spending increasing amounts of time online looking at pornography or engaged in sexual or romantic intrigue? Do you become involved in multiple romantic or sexual affairs online at the same time? Being truly honest with yourself, do you think pornography use or online sexual activity violates your marital commitments? Have you been unable to cut back on the frequency of your online sexual involvement despite a thought that you should do so?
While the sexual behaviors differ, the underlying dynamics of sex addiction are the same. There is always an inability to form a healthy, consistent attachment to a cherished loved one. Perhaps there was a mother who was unable to create a bond with her infant/child that provided the attention, recognition, validation and appropriate physical contact needed.
Sex addiction recovery typically involves at least psychotherapy,twelve-step groups self-help groups and medication. Medication, while not always necessary, can serve as the “water wings” for negotiating the changes necessary for growth. Certain psychiatrists believe that addiction is maintained by mood-dependent motives and that pharmacological treatment of the underlying mood disorder can diminish the urges and cravings associated with the addiction to sex. Medications that enhance mood/feelings regulation also enhance the the ability to control impulses.
Who are sex addicts and what are they hoping to find through their compulsive sexual behavior? Sex addicts are people who, afraid of real, intimate relationships, repeatedly and compulsively try to connect with others through highly impersonal, non intimate behaviors: masturbation, empty affairs, frequent visits to prostitutes, voyeurism, and the like.
A sex addict is a person who misuse sex as means of coping with unwanted feelings and life stressors.
The True Self is Reality. It sees the activities of the Addict as being what it is: a fantasy growling for what it compulsively seeks: immediate gratification in the form of physical pleasure. Sex addiction is fueled by a fantasy of being how you never thought you were in your youth together of a fantasy of the power over women you've always wanted to have. Do you see how the Addict Self always lives in the past?
Addiction to sexual behavior is a complex disorder that incorporates many aspects of your personality, bio-chemistry, socio-cultural environment, family-of-origin issues, thinking/feeling processes, self-esteem, and quality of relations with others. I see sex addiction as a prism; depending on the angle you hold it up to, it can look completely different.
Group therapy is a highly effective treatment modality for sex addicts. It reduces shame and denial, limits isolation, increases socialization skills and the development of empathy. The process fosters the development of intimacy and helps sex addicts develop the coping skills they need to meet their emotional needs in healthier ways. Irwin Yalom wrote “the book” on group therapy. In it, he delineates the essential factors that make patients get better. The specific benefits, according to Yalom’s model, of group therapy for sex addicts are:
To be at risk for addiction, two psychological conditions seem to exist during childhood. First, the child has become over- reliant on sources of comfort outside of himself to provide a feeling of being soothed, safe and secure. Second, the child had difficulty making a healthy separation from the primary parent, with later conce s that closeness and intimacy can be dangerous.r