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Browse published articles attributed to Gary Direnfeld, with full-archive search.
How long does it take to rebuild trust? Sometimes it’s couples where one partner has had an affair. Other times it’s between parents and a teen where the teen has stolen, lied or has been doing drugs. The issue is trust and the question is, “How long does it take to rebuild trust when ...
Jump the Pond Every one was raised in a particular pond: Their home, their community. And in that pond, the fish tend to look alike and swim in schools of similar fish. The pond becomes familiar; it is what the person knows. It is the sum of their experience. It is their normal, even if polluted.
Immigrant families to Canada and the United States can face many issues complicating their adjustment to the new host culture. Often unconsidered is the implications for intra-familial culture clash when children take to the host culture sooner or more wholeheartedly than their parents. Risk ...
Reconciliation Counselling Some people look across the great divide of a fractured relationship feeling it can never exist again. In such situations, the parties may be at odds with respect to their version of events. They may feel there must be agreement on the version of events, without which ...
The Five Best Friends of the Abusive Man Truly abusive men are out for themselves. These are the narcissists and sociopaths who walk among us in plain clothes. Abusive men rely on these five strategies to gratify their needs ahead of or at the expense of their partner: 1. Denialr
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe… Can a child choose which parent to live with? Sometimes parents involve their children in custody, residency and access matters hoping the opinion of the child sways the outcome. At other times, children may seek to initiate a change themselves. The child’s desire may be ...
One of the many problems for children exposed to domestic violence, is that for some, it comes to be included amongst their own interpersonal management strategies. Children exposed to domestic violence learn the use of violence as a strategy to mediate their needs and wants. They see the ...
Verbal abuse refers to the use of language as a means to control or subordinate another person for either self-gratification or to impose one’s view or will on another or to gain an unfair advantage in resolving a dispute. While both parties subject to a dispute may use inappropriate language with the other, verbal abuse has the distinction of one party typically causing more distress to the other party, and causing insecurities in that party typically for the purpose of exploitation.
It just happened. You discover an infidelity; a partner signals an intention to separate; someone has passed away; there’s been some kind of personal tragedy. In the midst of anguish life feels totally out of control; is turned upside down; is overwhelming. Anguish, in the midst of a horrible unplanned life event is normal.
Let Go To Wi Monkey hunters have an ingenious way to trap their prey. They carve a small hole into a gourd and then hollow it out. Into the gourd they place a small piece of fruit or some nuts. They strap the gourd to a tree and then wait. In a little while a monkey shows up and sniffs at the ...
It just happened. You discover an infidelity; a partner signals an intention to separate; someone has passed away; there’s been some kind of personal tragedy. In the midst of anguish life feels totally out of control; is turned upside down; is overwhelming. Anguish, in the midst of a horrible unplanned life event is normal.
Each year I see many people addicted to alcohol. At times they come to the session smelling of booze while still denying drinking. They play the game, “if you didn’t see me do it, it didn’t happen” as if seeing is the only sense of detection and smelling doesn’t count. I have long since recognized I can’t help everybody. The issue then becomes, what does the intimate partner or family do? I always recommend Al-Anon and Ala-teen. However, few of the intimate partners actually follow through. They continue to cajole or argue with their partner about their consumption.
Forget Harmony, Settle for Peace An oft-common mistake working with high conflict separated parents is to move them towards getting along and working cooperatively for the well-being of their children. It is a lofty and noble goal unfortunately far beyond the grasp of folks who would likely ...
Pre-Marital Counseling In View Of Abuse My boyfriend and I getting married in a few months and I am worried because although he is so great, he does have a temper. When he gets mad he becomes scary. At times he yells and screams and at other times he throws and breaks things. He’s only hit me once. I know he doesn’t mean it, but I find myself walking on eggshells. Other than that, we get along great. He is amazing and we have so much in common and we really have an amazing relationship.
People who drink to excess, where their drinking causes distress to others, are frequently caught in a web of denial and minimization. These persons are unable to see or unable to admit that their drinking is adversely affecting their own life and that of others. Typically, this person excuses ...
On Coping with Death… Death. It hits hard and with a loved one, no matter what the preparation, the loss is heartfelt. Now imagine you are a child. Coping with the death of a parent in childhood will be different depending on the age of the child and the nature of the relationship. While all ...
Remembering Family Traditions Every family has their own traditions. The ways they manage regular occurring events such as birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and even losses. The tradition dictates how these events are to be practiced and who is to attend. Built in to the tradition is the expectation that those involved will continue to be involved and follow their same roles and implicit rules. The family tradition makes for a shared experience and history between family members. The experience of the family tradition gives family members a common ground, a basis to their relationship.
Not all depressions are the same and getting it right matters. Broadly speaking, depression can be divided into two types, exogenous and endogenous. This is not to say that any particular depression is necessarily one or the other. There can be factors of both at play and to different degrees.
Major Depression and Family While most people have experienced a period of feeling down or blue, those who experience major depression experience a far more profound sense of feeling overwhelmed by dread and despair. Their feelings may be independent of, somewhat dependent upon and at times fully connected to life experiences. Often the intensity of the feelings will appear disproportionate to outside observers. It is believed that such individuals are genetically and biologically predisposed to such depression and that their depression is neuro-chemically mediated.
Kids of Separated Parents: The Annual Holiday Access Dispute Forget about the last minute gift shopping. The real issue for separated parents this season is who gets what time with the kids. With divorce seemingly as popular as marriage, more and more kids will be subject to the annual access ...
Conflict of Libidos? Libido refers to sexual drive. Over the course of the human life span, libido can increase or decrease depending upon numerous factors. Those factors can be divided into biological, psychological and social. Of the biological factors, a woman’s menstrual cycle is ...
Forget your parents choosing your date. Forget going to a dance club to meet and get to know people. Forget hitting a bar to meet others. Enter Tinder.
Need counseling? People see me because of my unique approach. Let me explain…. How we see the world and handle our adult life is so influenced by our experiences growing up.
Assessing and Managing School-Age Children with Behavioral Problems Your child is about 7 years old. The teacher reports problems listening in class, sitting still and getting into conflict with peers. First thought always seems to be ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder). But what if ...
Parents are saying discipline, consequences, time out and sticker’s don’t work. Parents are presenting as more and more defeated when it comes to managing the behavior of their children. They have a long list of tried that – didn’t work scenarios including many of the more popular parenting programs. What’s up with that? Why does it seem near impossible to get kids to listen? What can parents do differently?
Psychological Abuse Psychological abuse leaves the victim blaming herself and questioning her own perceptions over the behaviour of the abusive partner and it can start very insidiously. Psychological abuse occurs when one’s feelings, thoughts, preferences, desires, needs, appearance or ...
When a Child With Special Needs and Complex Disabilities Surfaces with Behaviour Problems Some children present with an abundance of challenges involving academic functioning, communication and physical difficulties. Combined these children face a remarkable struggle keeping up with their ...
Even though a spouse may have contemplated separation for years prior to informing their partner, to the partner, the news comes as a shock, even in view of a tumultuous relationship. For the children, the shock is often even greater. To intensify matters befalling the children, the spouse who ...
If you are in an abusive relationship and are seeking to separate or divorce from your partner, your safety may be at risk and your ability to achieve a reasonable separation agreement may be compromised. Abusive relationships are characterized by one party seeking power and control over the ...
Bless the Coach Be it t-ball, baseball, soccer or hockey, most little league coaches are there for the love of children. For some it’s even more personal. Their kid is on the team. The value of participation by children in little league sports is manifold. Children get to learn the game, ...
Even though parents argue as to the best residential schedule, choice of school, faith, holiday time, Christmas and extra-curricular activities, these issues are simply not as predictive for the outcome of children of separated parents as conflict alone.
Working with parents whose marriages are on the cusp of failure or already separated parents fighting it out over the care of their children is a challenging proposition for the mental health professional. Whether acting in the role of couple therapist, mediator, assessor, arbitrator or parenting coordinator, there is a sub-group of persons for whom none of these services provide relief.
I read an interesting few lines in an article by William E. Krill, Jr. L.P.C. The article is entitled, The Child Victim of a Narcissistic Personality Disordered Parent. Although he is writing about the experience of children and the non NPD parent, he also writes about counselors working with persons with NPD. Accordingly:
Some people are in abusive relationships. They say they stay because when it’s good, it’s very good. Unfortunately, when it’s bad, it is also very bad. So, some people weigh the good against the bad and it seems to come out even. Not so. Abusive relationships must be assessed when under duress. ...
Affairs Are About Anything But Love Participants present affairs as arising by chance and based upon love and mutual adoration. The relationship advances from flirtation to infatuation. This can happen quickly or over considerable time. Eventually there is an expectation that the affair advance ...
Do you have a partner, a colleague, a friend, a loved one where everything is a challenge and every conversation becomes a competition; where if they don’t get their way, there is hell to pay; where they are relentless in their pursuit; where somehow or other they are always right; where if they lose, someone else is always to blame? Then that person may have a High Conflict Personality (HCP). They may be a High Conflict Person (HCP)
You finally recognize that your adversarial battle isn’t resolving your dispute. You’re draining your resources both financially and emotionally. You don’t believe your former partner would ever negotiate a truce, let alone a settlement. Mediation is discussed and one person says they’ll go but also says they won’t budge on their position. You may feel firm about your position too. What do you do? Go!
While most people immediately go to memory loss as a primary deficit of dementia, there are other issues which can create havoc for coping be it by the affected person or support persons. Chief among those other issues are anosognosia, confabulation and disinhibition.
Cross Cultural Conundrums His parents just won’t leave us alone. They drop by unexpectedly; his mother rearranges my kitchen cupboards; they get angry if we don’t visit them every weekend. I want to have a life, alone with my husband! Meanwhile; She is so cold and distant that her behaviour appears disrespectful and I am left defending her to my family who doesn’t understand why I married her. I wish she would get along with my family.
Coping with depression requires one’s partner and family to understand the difference between depression and sadness. Sadness usually refers to a sense of loss, grief or upset in response to an event typically recent in one’s life. While sadness can be intense, it usually runs its course as the person acclimatizes to the impact of the event or otherwise is able to change the conditions related to the event.
Five sure-fire signs you need couple counseling… Your relationship has been unsatisfying for some time. You’ve been toying with the idea of getting help, but just how do you know when you need to see a counselor? Here are five sure-fire signs: 1. No time together:
If you get hung up on the quantum of time, you may lose sight of the quality of your relationship now and for the future. At the end of the day some separated parents fight tooth and nail over how the children’s time will be divvied up between them. Children are even drawn into the dispute, feeling a need to fight on a parent’s behalf. Parents whose children who are drawn into the dispute may find their children suffering emotionally and even academically. If emotionally, the parent may not even be aware as the child may seek to protect the parent from their upset.
Mediation is not a single event, not a one-time meeting where magically issues are resolved. No. Mediation is a process that occurs with very predictable steps. Understanding these steps to the process can help you manage through the process. Separated parents entering mediation may meet greater success understanding these steps and their role within.
When we talk about sexual abuse, we differentiate between intra-familial (from within the family) and extra-familial (from outside the family). When from within, it teaches the target of abuse to not trust people who are closest to them. When from outside the family, it teaches the target of abuse to not trust those around them, but who aren’t family.
Teen’s First Job A teen’s first job is a right of passage. It provides the teen the ability to earn money independently and teaches them new meanings for responsibility. The first job also enlightens the teen to the responsibilities of the parents and for many, makes them appreciative not only ...
Persons subject to domestic violence (or violence in the context of any relationship) may need protection from the perpetrator of violence. To protect oneself, one can go to a place of greater safety (no place is 100% safe, although most women’s shelters offer a number of safeguards to provide a very high degree of security.) If living together, the perpetrator of abuse may leave voluntarily or may be required to leave the residence.
Is It Safe? Marital or couple counseling is an intimate experience that by design enables couples to disclose and address issues held secret. Those issues held secret may be from each other or from outsiders – including therapists. Once the word is out there though, the next issue is how each person will react. Even the mere anticipation of secrets unfolding can give rise to conce for inappropriate and even dangerous reactions.
Your behavior, how you conduct yourself at the negotiating table can work for you or against you. Remember, this is a negotiating table, not a court of law or arbitrator’s office. In negotiating, there is little to prove and all to negotiate. Negotiation is about how to move forward, not prove who necessarily did what. The service provider is there to help you both reach a resolution between yourselves.
People turn to counselling, be it individual, marital, family or group, at times having done little or no homework on the service provider. There is more to choosing a counselor then simply picking up the phone and making an appointment. Anyone may call himself or herself a counselor, so ...
Counseling remains a viable strategy to cope with or change issues affecting one’s life. However, there are often many hurdles ahead of attending. Those hurdles are related to fears, misconceptions and even horror stories about counseling.