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Browse published articles attributed to Gary Direnfeld, with full-archive search.
Counseling remains a viable strategy to cope with or change issues affecting one’s life. However, there are often many hurdles ahead of attending. Those hurdles are related to fears, misconceptions and even horror stories about counseling.
Last year ended in a huff. When school let out, the pressure was off and the behaviour subsided. Some kids don’t fare well at school. Come the new school year, parents worry and wonder, “Will it be different this year?” Maybe the situation will be different: Perhaps maturation over the summer; perhaps the first day of school pep talk or warning; maybe a different teacher; it may be a new school. By the end of the first month and certainly by the second month you know. But what if things haven’t changed? What if school related problems persist?
It almost doesn’t matter what triggered it. What matters is it is escalating out of control. Someone in your home is going ballistic. Someone is losing it and there is a risk of property damage and/or a physical altercation. It is already scary. Very scary. These are situations not to be taken lightly. Emotional harm has already occurred and now there is a risk of physical harm. This is already a traumatic situation that will live on as another family story. But what do you do in the moment?
Think of parenting on a pendulum. As it swings one way, a parents parenting style may be inadvertently ineffective. There may be multiple warnings; a meek tone of voice; too many options; too much praise; asking versus telling; bargaining; rewards greater than appropriate. In this scenario, the preschooler learns that s/he doesn’t need to really listen to the parent. The child winds up getting their own way. The child may learn to pitch a tantrum and the parent gives in. The child hurts another or oneself and the parent gives in.
My dad was a veteran. He fought overseas in WW2. He was in the Canadian Intelligence Service and essentially, was a spy chaser. He was stationed a good part of his service in Italy where he learned to speak fluent Italian. He and one of his buddies arrested an Italian woman thought to be a Nazi sympathizer. Turns out she was coerced into being a translator for the Nazi’s. My dad’s buddy returned after the war and married that woman. Later on, they bought the farm near to our cottage and I had the pleasure of enjoying her pasta.
Parents can help prevent teen driver car crashes Whenever one gets behind the wheel of a car the process of risk assessment begins. This is why drivers look both ways before entering the roadway. The driver is determining issues of risk before taking action. Often, the driver is also trying to ...
A parent called seeking counseling for their adult son. The young man had plenty of issues. The issues were long-standing. I explained that given the parent called, I would begin by meeting with both parents first. I advised that by meeting with the parents first, I could obtain a better developmental history and that at times, there were clues in the developmental history that helped to understand the present day issues.
here is a Jewish word that doesn’t translate directly into English, but it informs my attitude to people who have undergone hardship and need help. Translated, the word is a hybrid of several concepts, not standing alone on any one, but really the combination of all. The concepts or words in English best to translate this Jewish word are; empathy, compassion, mercy and charity.
Children and Parents Adjust to Separatio You haven’t separated physically yet, but the ink is dry on your parenting plan agreement and you are ready to go your separate ways. Now reality bites! Although many parents don’t talk about it, the final act of separation cuts like a knife, ...
The Parenting Plan is the parental agreement setting out how the children will be cared for between separated parents. Most broadly, it stipulates the residential arrangement and how decisions shall be made affecting the child. The parenting plan may also include agreements with regard to extra-curricular activities, education, faith and health. If there are particular needs or wants by either parent or regarding the child specifically those can be included too.
Cyber-bullying is the deliberate and systematic harassing or defaming of an individual through derogatory postings and comments on the Internet.
So what’s up when a kid reaches age two? Many parents are ready to pull their hair out when their kids reach this age… and it continues for about a year to a year and a half. Parents of younger infants are lulled into a sense of ease when their son or daughter reaches about 6 months. By this time infants are usually sleeping well through the night, able to sit in a high chair, can amuse themselves with play and are enthralled with mom and dad’s gaze and smile. To many, parenting at this stage appears easy and there is no way of appreciating just what lies ahead.
Normal Childhood Behaviour Misconstrued There is a quote attributed to Sigmund Freud, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar”. So too of childhood behaviour and incidents; they may be simply within the range of normal childhood life. However, in the context of high conflict separated parents, the ...
Separating? Once the decision to separate is made, there are a number of other issues to settle. If the decision has been made in isolation, there is the matter of informing one’s spouse. Thereafter comes telling the kids. From there, attention is directed towards determining the ongoing care ...
There is a Jewish word that doesn’t translate directly into English, but it informs my attitude to people who have undergone hardship and need help. Translated, the word is a hybrid of several concepts, not standing alone on any one, but really the combination of all. The concepts or words in English best to translate this Jewish word are; empathy, compassion, mercy and charity.
Settling Custody and Access Disputes… Court, Counselling, Mediation, Parenting Coordinator: What’s the difference? Parents who are separated need to sort out the ongoing care of their children. Statistically, most do so between themselves without any help or support from outside resources. ...
Question: Gary, I heard another psychologist state that counseling is not beneficial for children under 12 because they see things so literally and are not able to consider the concepts and abstract. Would you agree? ( I think I paraphrased her correctly). I am curious about your thoughts on this subject. Thank you. Answer: Like so many other issues in life, the answer is, “It depends.” Let me unpack that:
The First Few Years Of School As a preschooler, your child was well behaved and didn’t exhibit any particular problems. Next your child enters school, perhaps Kindergarten, and then Grade one. Slowly issues with some classes and subjects appear. Maybe they are thought nothing of in Grade one, ...
The Pre-Marital Toilet Test We enter marriage with hopes, aspirations and faith. When marital discord strikes we are overcome with disillusionment. A year into the marriage, the notion of “tell death do us part”, smacks us in the face like a glass of cold water. Not only do we enter into ...
Separated parents in dispute: Don’t drag in your service providers! Separated parents in high conflict have a way of dragging others into their dispute. Not just family friends, and neighbours, but every professional associated with the children. The parents seek to bolster their claims to ...
Choosing Mr. Right Some women find it difficult finding Mr. Right. They may be jumping into the relationship too quickly. These strategies may save a lot of disappointment and hurt: Determine if this should even get started: For whatever reason, men of limited virtue seem to have radar for ...
Ah, Newlyweds… then reality sets in. The wedding day is met with much anticipation. Bright eyed, eager, some butterflies, plans in place. So much thought and preparation for a single event. Then the honeymoon and then back to real life. There is often magical thinking that goes into a wedding. ...
Do you practice safe technology? If you think you do, think twice. There is no such thing. No matter what the privacy settings, whenever you use social media you are leaving a digital footprint of something. It can be as little as your location; who you are connected to; what you have just been shopping for; what you have just been viewing. With just that, you can receive targeted ads, links to websites and other content based on the analysis of those little data-bits left behind.
Let’s say you are involved in a litigation (court) process to address a parenting dispute and it looks like that train is careening out of control. You can’t foresee using mediation or collaborative law because either you or your former partner won’t agree to this. There may be a custody/access assessment you view as unfavorable and perhaps wrong or biased or inadequate and your lawyer has likely warned you or may even be evasive about the prospects of you winning your case.
A parent called me asking for me to provide an assessment. I explained I do not provide court involved services anymore and explained why. The caller asked for a referral to someone who did. I offered the name of a respected colleague. The caller emailed thereafter and included in the email messages that had been posted about the colleague on the Internet. The postings portrayed my colleague quite terribly. The caller wanted to understand how I could refer to such a person. My reply was this:
You are in conflict with your former partner. You see a family lawyer who tells you s/he can be of assistance. The lawyer offers to send a letter of introduction to your former partner or their lawyer and in so doing, sets the tone for the process of settlement. That first communication often describes a one-sided perspective to the situation; who is responsible for what; and what is required to resolve the matter – again, all one-sided. Naturally what occurs next is a reply, offering again a one-sided perspective but from the other person’s point of view.
My Child is Odd The child may act the class clown. The child may prefer to hang out with the adults. The child likely uses phrases, innuendo, jokes or sarcasm heard from others, but uses them inappropriately, at the wrong time, with the wrong persons. The child has a poor sense of boundaries, ...
Teaching kids healthy eating is not a lecture, it is a parental practice through which children observe and learn. Further, although kids may whine and squirm and even outright reject what’s on the plate, parents must come to realize that being held hostage by childish control strategies only ...
Some separated or divorced parents continue to find themselves in ongoing disputes, even in view of separation agreements and parenting plans. The high-conflict nature of those disputes interferes with the well-being of the children and continually brings these parents to Court for ...
When locked in bitter conflict, sometimes people resort to court. This can result in poor outcomes as the court is more limited in terms of solutions that can be ordered. What is needed is a flexible approach to service and services that are actually structured to address specific issues. Here are four examples of specific issues and services that may be helpful: ———————
There is a dynamic that naturally evolves when parents only see lawyers to determine their ongoing relationship to children, post separation or divorce. Regardless of the disposition of the lawyer, on the mind of the parent, is winning or coming away with a particular outcome. The parent races ...
Some parents of teens confuse their parenting role with that of friend. In so doing, they abdicate their parental authority and minimize their ability to provide direction, guidance, limits and structure. In such cases parents may feel their teenaged son or daughter must like them. The parent ...
Your children are listening and sometimes watching too. It is a myth to think yelling and screaming, pushing, shoving, throwing of objects and hitting between parents does not affect their children. Consider the child’s perspective. Children are wholly dependent upon their parents for safety ...
Imagine… A Collaborative Approach To Divorce There is a movement in family law whereby divorcing couples can sign agreements with lawyers to not go to court. More specifically, the process is known as Collaborative Family Law (CFL) and the agreement to not go to court is binding upon the ...
Someone really really difficult to get along with? Most people get along with others. There might be the odd bit of friction between a person or two, but for the most part, most people get along. There is a sub-group of people however, that don’t seem to get along with almost anyone. These ...
Am I Fat? Most husbands would agree that to hear that question from their wife is akin to being asked to boil oneself in oil. However, what about when a child asks or needs to be informed? As recently reported (July 2006), the American Medical Association and the Center for Disease Control ...
Check Ingredients Before Blending Blended family is the term used when previously separated parents remarry and combine families. If you are looking at “blending” consider these points to facilitate the children’s adjustment: 1. Have a suitable courtship period. The purpose of courtship is to ...
Psychological Abuse Psychological abuse leaves the victim blaming herself and questioning her own perceptions over the behaviour of the abusive partner and it can start very insidiously. Psychological abuse occurs when one’s feelings, thoughts, preferences, desires, needs, appearance or ...
Marriages On The Cusp There are three general scenarios that bring couples to counselling. There are those couples that are jointly committed to the relationship and are seeking improvement. There are those couples that are jointly seeking to dissolve the relationship and are seeking to manage ...
Forget Harmony, Settle for Peace An oft-common mistake working with high conflict separated parents is to move them towards getting along and working cooperatively for the well-being of their children. It is a lofty and noble goal unfortunately far beyond the grasp of folks who would likely ...
Who’s in charge anyways? It’s not uncommon to find parents and grandparents living together with everyone minding the young. In fact, by many cultures, this is a very normal situation that works well for everyone. It tends to work best when everyone knows his or her place and it is clear who is ...
How Do You Rate Your Separatio When parents separate, they worry about the effect of their separation on the kids. Not only is there data to suggest that adults whose parents separated when they were children are at greater risk of divorce themselves, but also data that suggests the greater ...
Getting Kids Out Of The Cross Fire Heaven help those children whose separated parents are involved in a litigious parenting dispute. Not only might the children have to contend with possible sub-standard parenting as often alleged in various forms, but many children are also subject to the ...
In the course of normal childhood behaviour, children misbehave. When they do, some parents opt to clarify the expectation of appropriate behaviour and seek to hold the child accountable. If the child misbehaves again, the child may receive a consequence such as time out, loss of a privilege, ...
Assessing Change You’ve been for counselling and you are not sure if it is working. Part of you feels nothing has changed and another part feels like something is different. You are probably right on both counts. Most folks when seeking change look for dramatic differences. When results are ...
Like schools of fish, teens who abuse drugs and alcohol tend to hang in the same crowd. They garner a kind of moral support or legitimacy from like-minded and behaving peers for their drug and alcohol consumption. Further, when drug and alcohol consumption reaches the abuse stage, they are seen ...
The Long Arm Of Domestic Violence Public attention to domestic violence tends to focus on the immediacy of the problem. In other words when the average persons thinks about domestic violence, thoughts go to the fright of the victim in the situation and physical harm caused. Media attention ...
The Granddaddy of All New Years Resolutions What if you really needed only one New Years resolution? It could be the granddaddy of all resolutions and cover off all things from more time with the kids to quitting smoking and even saving money. Well, there is one such resolution and it comes ...
Understanding Is Not Enough In the course of normal childhood behaviour, children misbehave. When they do, some parents opt to clarify the expectation of appropriate behaviour and seek to hold the child accountable. If the child misbehaves again, the child may receive a consequence such as time ...
Parental Guilt and Kids with Special Needs For the most part pregnancies are met with the anticipation of a good delivery and healthy baby. Upon delivery parents do a quick scan of the child checking for ten fingers, ten toes and if unknown, a check of the genitals to determine gender. A ...