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Browse published articles attributed to Judith & Jim Sherven & Sniechowski, with full-archive search.
The key to understanding how we all end up being limited by Unconscious Allegiances and Forbiddances—that result in what we call The Fear of Being Fabulous—is rooted in every child’s earliest beginnings and driven by the environment that child grows up in.
When I was early on in my private practice as a clinical psychologist some 30 years ago, I kept noticing how so many of my clients suffered from a pattern of anxiety as they pursued a goal that they desired (their frustration with not achieving the goal was usually the reason they had come to me for help in the first place). Yet, after making some minor progress they would reel back from the anxiety and soon they would fall into a nagging depression.
Compassion has become a buzzword now in corporate management. Compassion is generally understood to mean being in intellectual and emotional agreement with someone else. In other words you have a grasp of their experience so that it can be said that you understand them: that you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. And the intimacy that implies is a good thing because your connection with them should make a more explicit and clearer understanding between you possible. Intuitively that seems right and when walking in the other’s shoes works it is right.
Judith here. Do you or your friends and/or work colleagues struggle with frustration? Anxiety? Insecurity? Breaking promises? Missed deadlines? Puzzling, even maddening behaviors? What’s going on? My husband Jim Sniechowski and I call it The Fear of Being Fabulous™ and it’s the result of Unconscious Loyalties and Forbiddances that are most often hidden from conscious awareness. Yet they are powerful enough to trump even the most determined and articulate of conscious intentions.
From Jim: For the former, not really. For the latter, absolutely. There is a profound difference between knowledge and insight. Knowledge is data that already exists so knowledge is an arrow pointing to the past. Insight opens the way to the future.
We enter this world as children and to stay alive and thriving we ingest, more like absorb the environment of our birth. Whatever we experience is all there is and we take it in without conditions. And that’s our first experience of authority, an authority that knows how to keep us alive because we cannot do that for ourselves.
All too often, at different types of companies, we hear from our clients that the promotional process is a big mystery. People don’t know why they received their recent promotion, nor do they know what is required to achieve the next career level up.
From Jim: Creative Intentionality (CI) a major element in the construct that is your success in any area of your life and yet so few people know about it let alone understand how to best use it. To say it directly, CI is about how you frame things. But that’s not a sufficient explanation. So to make the fact of Creative Intention really clear I’m asking you to join in an imagination exercise. You’ll be able to understand and even feel the power of CI.
Jim here. Have you ever walked into your house or apartment and smelled something that caught your attention—an odor that was striking but you couldn’t immediately identify it? Was it the remnant aromas from dinner the night before? Could it be the sweat drenched running shoes from that morning’s run you left in the entranceway? Could it be a gas leak? What were you smelling?
We’d all like to think that we are good at being rational and that we conduct our lives with deliberate awareness. And why wouldn’t we? That’s what the professional world rewards---conscious, well thought through, efficient, predictable results. If we can’t predict we can’t control. If we can’t control we can’t produce. If we can’t produce…well then it’s over, right? But I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “Trust Your Gut.” How rational is that? On what basis does anyone trust the gut? But gut-trusting is as normal a part of everyday business as is any logically calculated response.
In 1969 Lawrence J Peter and Lawrence Hull published their humorous work, The Peter Principle: Why Things Always Go Wrong. As Wikipedia describes it, "They suggest that people will tend to be promoted until they reach their ‘position of maximum incompetence’". And since that time, most people have used the term "The Peter Principle" to refer to people displaying their exposed incompetence upon being promoted beyond their abilities.
From Jim: “Leverage” has become a significant if not dominant concept in the corporate lexicon and it’s now a buzzword used every day in many ways. Here are examples of how I’ve heard “leverage” used: “He carries a lot of leverage” and “You’re not exercising the right leverage” and “How do we leverage these relationships?” and “We need to leverage this negotiation” and “We have to leverage our human capital.” So just what is “leverage?”
From Jim: Most people avoid conflict situations because conflicts hurt and very few people know what to do when a conflict erupts. I am not talking about a major conflict, a war or a terrorist attack, but the conflicts that happen every day: a surprising argument with your friend; a fight with your spouse; tension between you and a coworker or between you and your boss. The first response most people have is to defend themselves protecting their innocence.
Jim here, a favorite cartoon of mine shows two lab-coated scientists standing before a white board filled with scientific notation. Between the first part of the notation and its conclusion there is a space filled with the words “And then a miracle occurs.” One of the scientists, pointing at the miracle spot says, “I think you need a little more detail right here.”
Chronic insecurity? Drug and/or alcohol abuse? Procrastination? Those are just a few of the symptoms that can haunt your life and your career when The Fear of Being Fabulous threatens to undermine your newly acquired success. Mind you, those are only the symptoms—not the cause!
From Jim: What’s your immediate response when you hear the phrase —You Need to Create a Pitch? Most people cringe in one way or another because the word “pitch’ when used in a business context smacks of hard sell. Someone wants to get into your wallet. They say they care about you. They have your best interests at heart. But isn’t it true that when you feel like you’re being pitched you recoil?
From Judith: It would be ideal if recruiting worked perfectly and all new hires were perfect assets to your specific workplace culture. But that’s not ever going to be the case. We humans are a widely varied bunch and every process — recruiting, onboarding, and management — is dictated by the uniqueness of the people involved.
From Judith: How do you help develop the right kind of motivation for your senior employees to help welcome and train newcomers—especially if you have a fast growing company?
We’ve come a long way since office employees in the 1800s were expected to fill lamps, clean chimneys, wash windows, bring in coal and water supplies, make their own pens, and work 13 hours a day.
From Jim: Winning is incredibly important. When you win you’re supposed to gain recognition, status, material goods, perhaps even wealth. Winning is supposed to supply pride and self-esteem so that when you look into a mirror the person staring back at you is someone you can be proud of, someone you recognize as a winner. Presumably your sense of self-esteem as a winner would arise from and be consistent with the values that make up who you know yourself to be: even more so, the person you want to be in your own mind as well as among those you know and who mean something to you.
Judith here. A former client (“Matthew”) went from executive position to executive position, each time hoping that his new employer would allow him to shine. Each time, as he explained to us, he started out feeling empowered by the hope that this time his boss would respect his intelligence, would encourage his vision, would allow him to display overt leadership excellence—and thereby advance his own career.
Forget the idea that a "glass ceiling" only applies to women crashing into and getting slapped down by the "boy’s-only-club of top corporate leadership." That’s not the issue here. What’s far more serious, and gender neutral, are the internal glass ceilings that hold back both women and men. Only by becoming aware of your own holdbacks, those Unconscious Allegiances and/or Forbiddances that create unconscious obstacles to the success you desire, can you shatter those internal glass ceilings and move forward.
How can compassionate collaboration lead to higher productivity and more effective results? The answer is housed in the words "compassion" and "collaboration." The dictionary.com defines compassion as: a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering. Strictly speaking, this kind of event, although not impossible, is rare in a workplace setting. But this does not make the idea and practice of compassion any less valuable.
From Judith: As the United States approaches the 2016 presidential elections, adversaries of Hillary Clinton are already starting to throw out ageist propaganda. Citing the fact that if elected Hillary, who was born October 26, 1947, will tu 70 while in office. Curious that they seem to forget that Ronald Reagan was elected in 1980 at the age of 69. But here’s the central question: Is 70 really old? Or another way to put it: Is the way Hillary approaches her life going to make her “old” at 70?
From Jim: Knowing the difference between what is urgent and what is important can make or break your day, can make or break your career, can produce a lifestyle, at work and at home, that is effective, productive, and rewarding---or not. The difference between “urgent” and “important” can serve as the cornerstone for the way you live and work. In this post I want to look into the difference in emotional impact produced when you focus on the distinction between what is urgent and what is important. Urgent A situation that is considered urgent has special characteristics:
Jim here, as I set down to write this post I asked the question—“What inspires me?” I then listed a number of options. Soon I realized that the items on the list weren’t real. They were just concepts. More precisely they were just my attempt to make a list and I hoped something on the list would inspire me to write about it. That didn’t happen. Instead I became more and inspirationmore bored with list making and with the whole idea of “inspiration.” I found myself in a fix.
Have you ever had the experience of achieving a substantial goal, receiving applause, high-fives, and maybe even a bonus — but you didn’t feel any joy or even happiness? You looked forward to giving that training for a major conference. You worked hard on it. It was even a pleasure to create. You knew your deck was clever and fun. You rehearsed several times all the way through. Even your teenage son thought you were good!
What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think about "authority"? Is it a great writer you admire, your boss, your doctor, your parents? Or is it you? Chances are pretty good that you were NOT first on your list. Why not? After all you are an authority about all kinds of things. You may even occupy an official position of authority like being a manager, a vice-president, a teacher, an author, or a director. And even if you don’t hold an official position of authority in the business world, what about your authority as a parent, a volunteer, a student of life?
From Judith: The Fear of Being Fabulous can show up in countless ways, but one that deserves extra attention is what we call "Growth Shudders." It happens in response to a big win, a recent promotion, and/or more money than ever believed possible. There are countless other scenarios that spark "growth shudders," but they are fueled by what my husband Jim Sniechowski and I call "unconscious forbiddances." Prompted by messages or models in early upbringing, the underlying forbiddance argues against being more successful.
From Judith: You’re moving along in your current position and succeeding quite well. Then, all of a sudden, with no input from you, no warning from above, you are informed that your position has been discontinued, or your team has been reassigned, or you’ve been moved to a different department in a different building (perhaps even in a different city). Whatever it is, disruptive change has control of your career, your professional identity, and your future. And at first, you feel totally out of control. You are in shock.
From Judith: It’s easy enough to say that everyone should "own their own career"—but how do you do that? Assuming you desire upward advancement, here’s a get-started checklist: * Ask your manager or Human Resources for the criteria for promotion to the next level * Determine the areas of expertise where you need to grow and improve * Request the help of a mentor or coach (or even your manager if appropriate) to support your promotional determination * Ask for a larger role or larger project to help you demonstrate your abilities
Even though you may have relationships that can connect you with your potential next job, it’s ultimately your interview with one or more of the players at the new company that will make or break the possibility of your being hired. So it’s essential to have a well thought out strategy that will ensure your best interview performance. Most people don’t and that gives you a significant edge. Why Is The Job Open?
Over our many years of executive coaching, it’s been clear that many people are unable to give themselves fully to creating a robustly successful career. There are many underlying reasons for this pattern, most of them caused by unconscious beliefs that were developed very early on and now reside outside their conscious awareness.
From Jim:
Let’s say that you want to reach the level of Director, or V.P. or maybe even get to a C-Level chair. As much as you say you want to follow this trajectory you have doubts. You question whether or not this is the right path and you look for evidence to prove, to yourself, you know what you want. You can lose confidence and berate yourself because you’re “supposed” to know what you want. After all you’re an adult. That’s what adults do, right?
I’m sure you’ve heard people say things like “I was taken out of context,” “They took her statement out of context” or “You can’t take people out of context” because if you do you will distort their message and misunderstand what they are saying. And then blame them for whatever you don’t like about what they’re saying. Taking people out of context is a typical trick of someone who is trying to defeat someone else.
As men and women alike climb the ladder of success, they too often suffer from the inability to delegate well. Isn’t one of the payoffs expected from achieving leadership status the freedom to no longer have to do the "daily grind" work, the "menial" work, the "frustrating calendaring and tedious phone call" work? Of course the answer is "yes!" Yet most people have such a difficult time weaning themselves from doing those tasks themselves. How about you? Is it because:
Judith here. Recently I was speaking with a young woman in her mid-twenties who had just been let go from her position at a start up in the UK. She was disappointed and not sure where to turn. The clear problem she was facing was that she had never looked at her work as a milestone in a career, but had merely felt grateful to be hired into a new job that paid a bit more than the one she’d held before.
From Jim: What’s the difference between your identity and how you are known in your profession, in other words your professional brand? Ideally they align across all aspects of your personality. Nevertheless your identity and your professional brand, no matter how closely aligned they are, are developed in very different ways.
There’s a huge difference between exte ally imposed limits, like not enough resources or too small a budget, and self-imposed limitations like self-doubt, or lack of confidence, or inaccurate beliefs that create blocks which appear to be coming at you from out there when in fact thy are arising from within you and preventing you from expressing the best you have. Most often people focus on the exte al blocks because they’re usually obvious and easy to spot. But those exte al blocks are not within your control.
Slightly sweet, sometimes bitter...my favorite and most satisfying treat and energizer is 72% organic free trade dark chocolate. Why give such a specific description? Because each element can be translated into some of "the stuff" that can set you up for greater success. This may sound like a stretch but bear with me... Here we go:
That’s a rather audacious claim, right? But it’s true. You can make your communications compelling. How? By understanding the difference between “features” and “benefits.” A simple way to understand the difference is: features are about you and benefits are about the other person. When you communicate with anyone through any medium---face to face, email, phone message, whatever---it’s critical that what you say is focused on the benefits the other person will receive from taking in your message.
Until recently it’s been understood that we come into this world with pre-set DNA and we’re stuck with it. In fact, most people - if their genetic markers contain positive predispositions for things like heart disease, cancer, or early death - have felt like victims of their DNA. But recent research is providing convincing evidence that we can actually change our DNA and change the outcome of our life trajectories. If you want more information, be sure to read up on this. Meanwhile, these are the important points I want you to take in right now:
From Jim: It may seem strange to start with the story of Cinderella but the story’s millennial popularity sets the ground for the idea of “saved from being saved.” The stories of Cinderella and Aladdin, her male counterpart, focus on the main character who possesses excellent qualities and talents but is in a situation where those attributes cannot be seen. Then through a magical circumstance the character is saved---discovered and recognized for the wonder she or he is.
I’m sure you’ve heard it said that to be a good listener you should "walk a mile in the other person’s shoes." Okay. But exactly how do you do that? And how can you know that you are walking in another person’s shoes? How can you be sure that your perception is not mistaken or maybe it’s just your fantasy?
From Judith: A recent review and analysis "Coaching: A Global Study of Successful Practices - Current Trends and Future Possibilities 2008-2018" commissioned by the American Management Association demonstrated an expanding interest in and use of executive coaching worldwide, primarily aimed at increasing individual performance.
From: Judith Hear Yea! Hear Yea! Let it be known across the land: Receiving Praise and Compliments for Your Excellence Does NOT Make You Big-headed! Yet, in a recent workshop “Overcoming the Fear of Being Fabulous: It’s Time To Shatter Your Inner Glass Ceiling” (which my husband Jim Sniechowski, PhD and I present quite often as a career building and leadership boosting opportunity for corporate audiences) predictably some of the main reasons people gave about their difficulty receiving acknowledgment of their excellence were: *** I’ll seem big headedr
Perhaps... - You did well in school with practically no effort. - You’ve always been well-liked, even in grammar school. - You’ve aced every employment interview you’ve ever had. - Your people skills feel like second nature and people have always come to you for help. - You receive praise from your manager but it doesn’t mean much because you’ve always been able to perform well. - You enjoy your work because using your best skills is a real pleasure so you don’t need others to compliment you or assure you of your value. So, what’s the problem?
Hear Yea! Hear Yea! Let it be known across the land: Receiving Praise and Compliments for Your Excellence Does NOT Make You Big-headed! Yet, in a recent workshop "Overcoming the Fear of Being Fabulous: It’s Time To Shatter Your Inner Glass Ceiling" (which my husband Jim Sniechowski, PhD and I present quite often as a career building and leadership boosting opportunity for corporate audiences) predictably some of the main reasons people gave about their difficulty receiving acknowledgment of their excellence were: *** I’ll seem big headed *** It will make me feel conceited
From Jim: In 1960, when I was 19, an abscess developed at the back of my upper left jaw such that I had to have three teeth pulled. The dentist administered Lidocaine numbing my jaw and with pliers and some effort extracted all three teeth during that one visit. As he finished he warned me that I would experience serious pain when the drug wore off.