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Browse published articles attributed to Judy Ringer, with full-archive search.
"I'm sick and tired of HR's red tape. I need this employee now, not next month. My department suffers while you drag your feet trying to get references I don't need. I want THIS person. Get off the stick and make it happen!" OK! Jack's trying to communicate an important need. What's his ...
Respect is like air: if you take it away, it's all people can think about.rn~Kerry Patterson - Author, Crucial Conversations Respect is like air, I've heard it said. When it's plentiful, there's no issue. We take it as given. But when it's missing, you can't think about anything else. I was swimming at the Portsmouth Indoor Pool early one morning. My lane partner was taking up more of the lane tha I thought necessary, more than his share. I was grouchy, shrinking and trying not to be run over as he swam by in the other direction.
As a professional singer and speaker, I'm often asked if I still get nervous in front of an audience. I do. But I've learned to use my nervous energy – and minimize its impact. I practice aikido, a martial art based on aligning with the attacker and redirecting the attack. Instead of ...
"We give ourselves the best opportunity to make clear-minded decisions only to the extent that our hearts are at peace." -- The Anatomy of Peace Choosing to resolve conflict begins when we approach it with a "Heart at Peace." So opens a new book I just finished, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving ...
My message to all that will hear it, is don’t let your limitations define you… Don’t focus on what you don’t have…use what you do have.rn~Victoria Arlen An excellent student and natural athlete, Victoria dreamed of becoming an Olympic swimmer from the time she was 5 years old. She trained and swam and attained regional ranking. She was on her way.
What happens if you're in a conversation or a conflict and the other person is out of control? How do you manage their strong emotional energy, especially when it's forcefully directed at you? It takes courage to engage in conflict conversations, especially if prior experience produced outcomes ...
My friend was going through a difficult divorce. In an evening phone conversatio I asked a question, wanting to help, and immediately realized I'd said exactly the wrong thing. I'd unintentionally made my friend feel like the last ally she had in the world was also against her. I took my ...
Aikidoists know the importance of posture. Head over shoulders over hips, weight balanced over both feet, which are about shoulder width apart. Bowing posture, Seiza (seated) posture, Hanmi (standing) posture. Body and mind are connected. When our posture is upright and ready, everything is. We’re open, relaxed, and prepared for whatever may come.
I entered the service center of my car dealership ten minutes early for a scheduled maintenance. The service rep took my name and confirmed the details. After a few minutes, she asked if I'd be waiting for the car. I said "What do you mean? We spoke about this when I made the appointment. I need ...
Emotions happen. We can, however, make choices about how we manage them. If you consider emotions simply as a form of life energy, you can begin to reframe the notion that there are "good" and "bad" emotions and direct that energy in positive ways. The energy of anger, for example, can make you reactive. Or it can help you gain clarity about why you’re so charged, recover control of yourself in the moment, and develop a more intentional communication style. Five Tips to Manage Your Anger in the Heat of the Moment:
I've been thinking a lot lately about why we fear our more serious conflict conversations, why we put them off or hold them in unconstructive ways. I had one of my own recently and was really quite uncentered for a bit, thinking about how I wanted to hold the conversation, what my positive ...
Hurry up and meditate, I'm thinking as I sit in half-lotus, willing myself to quiet down and connect with the source. Wow, that's really taking things to extremes. How can you meditate in a hurry? Isn't the whole point to SLOW DOWN? Quiet the rushing stream of thoughts and make the world ...
"In between stimulus and response, there is a pause, and in that pause we have the opportunity to make a different choice."nn ~ Victor Frankl Reading a blog post recently by my friend and colleague, Judy Warner, I was inspired. Although I teach aikido techniques like the practice of centering ...
The beginning of a new year, like the beginning of anything, brings with it thoughts of change, rejuvenation, new life, and resolutions about how to accomplish these changes. Life offers possibilities of a fresh start for our relationships. But we don't always carry through on our resolutions. ...
It started out innocuously. I asked a colleague if she'd be willing to listen to an upcoming presentation for a local non-profit. She said she would, and I plunged in. My colleague had a lot to say and delivered it with stinging energy. "You use too much jargon; I hate jargon," she said. "And you need something besides theory. They'll fall asleep." My hackles went up. Wow! Was there anything you liked? My left hand column was in overdrive. I was ready to leap on her but stopped, centered myself, and decided to practice what I do, in fact, teach.
Does conflict disrupt your workplace environment? Read on! Judy Ringer answers some commonly asked questions on the subjects of workplace conflict, difficult people, and how to manage them more effectively. Q. What are some typical breakdowns in the workplace? JR: I wouldn’t call them ...
Disclaimer. You're probably reading this because you want to be heard, and I'm going to talk about how to listen. Because that's how to be heard. Become a good listener. The three primary ingredients of conversation are: Inquiry, Acknowledgment, and Advocacy. • Inquiry is about learning, curiosity, and doing your best to understand how something looks to someone else. • Acknowledgement is letting that someone know you've heard them. • Advocacy is inviting them to hear you.
Benjamin Zander, author, motivational speaker, and conductor of the Boston Philharmonic, often quotes his father as saying that "there is no bad weather, just inappropriate clothing." I live in southern coastal New Hampshire, about an hour north of Boston, and when each winter brings day after ...
Sometimes it seems that the energy has been drained from much of our communication. We try to do the right thing, say the right words, and be safe instead of real. And while our intentions are noble, we often leave the meaning out. It stays hidden behind carefully constructed technique that actually doesn't say very much. While I am not in favor of reactively blurting out whatever comes to mind, unfiltered and potentially harmful, I am in favor of being real. Of saying what we need to say so that we can engage in meaningful dialogue.
When you're really angry, what do you want? • Satisfaction? • Support? • Understanding? • An ally? • Agreement? • Self-control? When I'm really upset, I want all of the above, but I think my highest priority is to get back to a composed, centered self that can operate effectively, efficiently and purposefully. And I'm grateful for someone who will help me get there.
In a recent workshop, "Jane" asked about negativity in the workplace: "Our work environment is so negative. It's like The Wave. One individual starts and then everybody joins in, including me some days. I want to stop. But when I don't engage, they all look at me like I'm "Miss Polly Positive" ...
"Whose woods these are I think I know. His house is in the village though; He will not see me stopping here To watch his woods fill up with snow. My little horse must think it queer To stop without a farmhouse near Between the woods and frozen lake The darkest evening of the year. He gives his ...
The capacity to withhold an action that we have prepared but reconsidered is an important distinction between intelligent and impulsive behavior.rn~ Marcel Brass, of the Max Planck Institute for Human Cognitive and Brain Sciences and of Ghent University.
"Go ahead. Play. Let me see you run!" Mimi cheered us on. I was seven or eight years old, playing with my cousins in the back yard of my grandmother's house in Oak Park, Illinois. Mimi (my Aunt Mary) was probably 30-something at the time and in her wheelchair, where she'd been since a spinal ...
At dinner with my friend Susan recently, I was struck by the simplicity of her conflict resolution strategy. A friend sought Susan's advice about how to approach her neighbor about a potential conflict. The neighbor was prickly and the friend uneasy, and she asked Susan to come along as support ...
Defusing difficult or angry customers calmly and assertively benefits the company, the customer, and the service representative. Managing any difficult situation requires clear communication and intention. You improve with practice. And the rewards – both in terms of personal and bottom line ...
What does this quotation by Morihei Ueshiba say to you? “Opponents confront us continually, but actually there is no opponent there.” Morihei Ueshiba, 1883-1969, is the founder of Aikido, the martial art I practice, teach, and use as a metaphor in my work. Aikido -- "The Way of Blending With Energy" -- teaches us to unite with the "opponent's" energy and redirect it, keeping both defender and attacker free from harm and re-establishing harmony. Dealing With Difficult Conflictr
My sisters and I got talking at a recent family reunion about how differently we each deal with conflict. We recalled our teen years when one or two of us would easily blow up at my mom or dad when something didn’t go their way (I’m not naming names!). This kind of reaction, which we all remembered, was unbelievable to those of us who would bite our lip, act like everything was fine, and skulk away to lick our wounds.
"Psychologists have found that we are each more interested in knowing that the other person is trying to empathize with us… than we are in believing that they have actually accomplished that goal. Good listening … is profoundly communicative. And struggling to understand communicates the most ...
Is there a difficult conversation you’re not holding? * Coworker not pulling their weight? * Supervisor not holding members of the team accountable? * Irritating behavior getting on your nerves? What stops you from saying what’s on your mind? You may know exactly what you want to say, but you don’t say it. Instead the problem festers and the associated emotions leak out. You talk to others about the problem, lose sleep, or take refuge in a cold shoulder, sarcasm, or temper tantrum. The longer you hold back, the harder it is to bring it up.
Even the most effective leaders lose their way occasionally. In spite of best efforts, you forget how much influence you have and how your action (or inaction) affects the workplace environment. These six traits are common causes. Ineffective Leadership Traits 1) Avoiding Conflictr
I've recently taken up a new physical practice -- Bikram Yoga. I'm loving it -- the heat, the focus it takes to stay in the postures while honoring my body's limits, and the flow state I acquire and that stays with me afterwards. The heat is intense, and staying present becomes a practice in itself. As a beginner it's easy to feel inadequate, and I appreciate the dedicated instructors who help us execute the postures, each transforming the room with their ki.
"Judy, I thought of the opportunity that lies in managing conflict AFTER I came out of one today. Always after. I am so angry at myself for always biting the hook, for falling that damn hole. I can't seem to remember to become present. I just go right for my old ways and then I publicly embarrass myself. I am a batter who keeps swinging and striking out. Is there hope?"
In his thoughtful and thought-provoking song “Anyone Can Whistle,” Stephen Sondheim writes: It's all so simple, Relax, let go, let fly. So someone tell me, why can't I? In this month of giving, getting, and gathering, when we all do more and push harder, relaxing and letting go are relegated to minor bullet points on the To Do List. In our bustling and striving, we barely remember what we’re bustling and striving for. In our rush to find the perfect turkey or bottle of wine, we forget why we’re looking. Mindful of the next task, we miss being present to this one.
“We defy augury; there is a special providence in the fall of a sparrow. If it be now, 'tis not to come; if it be not to come, it will be now; if it be not now, yet it will come: the readiness is all.”rn-- Hamlet, Act 5, Scene ii, William Shakespeare A friend stopped me on the way out of the locker room. Conce ed about a fellow exerciser's habit of not wiping down the equipment after using it, she asked me if I thought she should say something. She thought about going to the facility manager, but the word tattle-tale came to mind. What should she do?
I needed to stop and breathe about a thousand times yesterday what with unaware customer service reps and nasty tech glitches – my favorite hot buttons. It all began when I took my car in to be serviced first thing and learned the service rep had forgotte I needed a ride home. I had ...
"The power of discovery enables us to achieve excellence without having to be "perfect.'" nn– Thomas Crum, The Magic of Conflict I arrived at the conference center ready to present my workshop. Almost immediately I noticed the room was too small and it was not set up as requested. There ...
In Aikido we use an exercise to physically distinguish between three kinds of power -- power that is rigid and controlling, power that's limp and ineffectual, and power that flows. Verbally and emotionally we act out these three forms of power when we attack ("I can't believe you're late again!"), manipulate or acquiesce ("I guess I'll just have to put up with you being the way you are."), or speak with purpose and positive intent ("In the future, I'd appreciate your calling when you know you're going to be late.").
One of the questions I receive most often from my newsletter subscribers is what do I do when I've "blown it?" As one good friend said: "I forgot all the great ways I know to address a conflict. I reprimanded an employee by basically attacking her character. I did apologize, and, thankfully, she ...
"If you don't like what's happening in your life, change your mind."n--The Dalai Lama There's a new event in the neighborhood. Every day around 3:30 pm, a neighbor with a new drum set begins practicing -- at full volume. The drummer must be on his deck or screened porch, because there doesn't ...
I received many responses from July's article on "Negativity in the Workplace" including some great resources for turning negativity around. It started with friend and colleague Barbara Wilson's email quoting Patch Adams: "The most revolutionary act one can commit in our world is to be publicly ...
Recently a client told me a wonderful story about how a change of attitude helped her to keep a valued employee. Angry and grumbling about one of the provisions in the company policy, the employee asked for a private meeting with my client, the owner of a small sales company, and began to tell ...
"We hold these truths to be self-evident."n--Thomas Jefferso When we celebrate Independence Day in the U.S., we commemorate our struggle to free ourselves from tyranny, and celebrate victory in the quest for Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. We remember the freedoms we normally take ...
My good friend and colleague, Thomas Crum, taught me a lot of what I know about having hard conversations. A method he uses with children - the BLT - is so simple and easy to remember, I often use it with adults, too. Breathe, Learn, Talk. So when a mom asked me about how to help her 10-year-old daughter Becky solve a problem with her teasing friend, Tom's BLT method was a perfect solution. Becky's friend was making jokes at her expense, and Becky wanted her to stop. Conflict Resolution for Kids: Breathe, Learn, Talkr Dear Becky,r
So, there I was alone in a hotel room in Poughkeepsie, NY, instead of attending my college reunion festivities. I’d been looking forward to meeting up with past classmates, going to lectures and, most of all, walking the campus. The Vassar campus is unbelievably beautiful in June. Trees are centuries old, architecture is varied and grand, gardens abundant; and walking the well-known paths is a silent meditation. But the first thing I did after breakfast was to fall and sprain my ankle. It took approximately ten minutes to blow up like a balloon, and it hurt – a lot.
A client was struggling with how to manage her stress level during the Q&A period after a presentation when she doesn't have an immediate answer. The simple solution might be to say, "I don't know." But it's not that simple. Sometimes she does know the answer but can't come up with it, because ...
There’s a saying in Aikido: “There are many lessons on the mat.” It means that when we’re practicing Aikido we’re not just learning Aikido, we’re also learning about life. For example, when someone grabs my wrist too hard and I get angry but don’t say anything, I eventually learn that it would be more useful to ask him not to grab so hard. I may also notice that it’s difficult for me to ask for what I want in other places in my life, that I suffer needlessly because of it, and that I blame others and justify my blaming instead of taking action. Many lessons...r
I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.rn~ Charles Dickens At church last Sunday, our pastor invited the youth of the congregation up front for the traditional "Time for Young Disciples." Three- and four-year-olds, seven- and ten-year-olds all came forward bearing Sunday smiles and the energy of the young at heart. Since we're in the season of Advent, Pastor Dawn asked: "What do we know about Christmas?" Answers (in this order): • You get presents. • You give presents. • You get a Christmas tree. • You get presents!r
A good friend gave me a book last week, thinking I might like it. The book is "Tattoos on the Heart: The Power of Boundless Compassion" by Jesuit Priest Gregory Boyle about his work with gangs in Los Angeles, CA. Reading the first chapters in the early spring sun this morning at Beach Pea in Kittery, Maine, I feel calm and centered and blessed. The book's uplifting message, flowers budding, birds stopping for crumbs, and the melody of conversation at nearby tables open a stillness in me, a quiet place of gratitude and connection, of being lucky to be alive.
One of the most commonly downloaded free articles on judyringer.com is called, "We Have to Talk: A Step by Step Checklist for Difficult Conversations." It's been in more company newsletters tha I can count, including The Systems Thinker, published by Pegasus Communications. Recently, one ...