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Browse published articles attributed to Marcia Naomi Berger, with full-archive search.
"When you talk you are only repeating what you already know. But when you listen you might learn something new" --attributed alte ately to the Dalai Lama and author J.P. McEvoy. "Are you a convincer or a listener?" asks Melissa Orlov, author of The ADHD Effect on Marriage. I mention this because I like the term she uses: convincer.
Have you heard that marriage can get boring? This doesn’t need to happen, but it can feel ho-hum when things have gotten way too predictable. Routines are important, but this doesn’t mean that the thrills have to end, By trying out activities that are different from your usual ones, you’ll enjoy the comfort of some routines and also stay enjoy enough stimulation to keep you thriving. Zest is Contagious
An oxymoron is basically a contradiction in terms. It's a figure of speech in which apparently contradictory terms appear in conjunction, for example, 'working holiday,' 'plastic silverware,' or 'awfully good.' So does it make sense to pair the words, lasting and love, together these days? Is it better to keep one foot out the door than to count on everlasting love?
If you're a woman who's been wanting marriage for a long time, and it hasn't happened, possibly your attitude has been holding you back. Women in my "Marry with Confidence" workshops have expressed these attitudes: • All the good men are married. • There aren't enough single men in my area. • Men my age want a much younger woman. • Men want a thinner woman. • I'm afraid of getting into a bad marriage. • I'm too flawed to create a good marriage. Change Negative Messages You Give Yourself to Helpful Ones.
Do you think marriage means loss of freedom? Actually, a good marriage supports you to be free to be who you are, because partners consider each other’s needs, as well as their own. It takes some maturity to live in awareness of both partners needs. Happy couples balance spending time together and apart in ways that suit both partners. They collaborate to make big decisions, like about very large expenses, parenting, leisure time activities, and so on. Through showing conce for each other’s viewpoint, they bond over time and foster a lasting, fulfilling marriage.
Is there a difficult person in your life? ll of us are likely to know someone who "pushes our buttons." The person could be almost anyone -- a spouse, in-law, other relative, friend, coworker, boss--or even (gasp!) our self! Which reminds me of what Rabbi Joseph Richards said: "People are annoying. So find the person who annoys you the least and marry that one!
"So what's the secret for a good marriage?" asked Ellen, 72. She's been single since her early twenties, after divorcing her physically abusive ex-husband. "Choose wisely and learn what it takes to succeed in marriage," I said instinctively. Never Too Late for Love While this advice applies to people of all ages, it's helpful to recognize special challenges of later-in-life marriages so we can deal with them constructively. The three to be addressed here involve money, sex, and "unfinished business."
Who isn’t at least a little bit weird about money, anyway? The topic seems filled with ambiguity lately, and a wealth (ahem) of possible answers. Money is a sensitive topic for most of us--in dating and in marriage. How Do You View Money? Early in our lives, we gain lasting ideas about money, mostly from our parents or parent figures. Although I was well provided for, I picked up, unconsciously, these unspoken messages: • Talking about money is not okay. • Asking for money is certainly not okay. • It’s fine to accept money when it’s freely offered.
Do you sometimes feel like you and your partner are stuck in a disagreement? By using the brainstorming for solutions technique, you can end up with a resolution with which you're both happy. Corporations use a structured brainstorming process in order to make good decisions. This method also works beautifully for couples seeking to resolve differences. How Couples Can Brainstorm for Solutions
Saying "thank you" is gracious. These are two words we all like to hear. How do you respond to someone who thanks you? This common replay makes me cringe: "No Problem!" "No problem." "No worries." We hear these words from sales clerks, food servers, and others after we thank them for doing their job. Also from friends, family members, and acquaintances. What's wrong with this? The unconscious does not recognize a negative
Proving that we're oh so right or smart may be a way to nourish our egos, but there's a better way to foster a great relationship. Buy setting our ego aside, i.e., by being humble, we make room for the other person to flourish. Humility means accepting the truth that you are not always right, and that others have something to offer. This is an important concept to apply in dating, marriage, and most other relationships. You show humility by: letting go of thinking you need to impress him (or her) by appearing perfect;
When it comes to a potentially romantic relationship, chemistry is a loaded word. Does one of these beliefs pop into your mind when you hear it? • For a good relationship, chemistry needs to be there right away. • Chemistry might not be felt initially but can develop later. • Love at first sight, or a variation of this, predicts a good long term relationship. • Chemistry can come and go, depending on other factors. • Chemistry is not essential for a good marriage. • Chemistry can attract you to the "wrong" person.
What does the immensely popular book, "The Boys in the Boat" have to do with marriage? Hint: Ask yourself what you think a great marriage looks like? Spouses enjoying being together, basically in harmony for a lifetime? Or does "happily married" sound to you like an impossible dream? Cynicism about marriage is common these days. Fairy tales that finish with "and they lived happily ever after" don't mention a key ingredient in marriage. Nor do novels and movies give credence to the importance of this element: Teamwork. Roles of Spouses No Longer Fixed
If your relationship is good, you shouldn't have to "work" on it, right? Fairy tales promote the effortless happily-ever-after marriage myth when we are at an impressionable age. Later we view romantic movies and read novels with happily-ever-after endings. Consequently, it's easy to develop unrealistic, fantasy-based expectations about marriage. Many of us spend more time maintain a car -- checking tire pressure, changing the oil, and getting the recommended inspections, and son on -than we spend on keeping our most important relationship in good working order.
Many singles are conflicted about marrying. They yearn for the fulfillment a good marriage brings but are afraid to commit. They fear it won't work out, which given the current high rate of marriage failures, is understandable. It should come as no surprise that it takes a leap of faith to marry. The example below shows how one woman resolved her conflict about marrying. Her major challenges were learning to believe in herself and gaining trust that she could succeed. How to Gain Faith
Can a Good Marriage Have Problems? If your partner says, "We have a problem," does your chest tighten? Do you forget to breathe? What goes through your mind? "A problem! Aggh! Does that mean he (or she) will leave me? Is our relationship doomed?" Do you imagine that something is terribly wrong with the two of you as a couple, and maybe impossible to fix? If this sounds like you, you are probably being duped by a harmful marriage myth: A good marriage has no problems. Conflict exists in any marriage. Our challenge is to deal with differences constructively.
Hero worship makes me uncomfortable. I am an extremely minor public figure, except among certain family members and friends who inflate my fame as author of Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love. As a marriage expert, I sense that many people who have heard of me think I must be a perfect marriage partner. This is not true. I'm no hero.
Even in the best marriages, not all conflicts get resolved. According to psychologist John Gottman’s research, 69 percent of problems in marriage do not get solved.[1] His good news is that in good marriages many perpetual issues that are not deal breakers can be managed. It's not the presence of conflict that stresses the relationship; it is the manner in which the couple responds. Positive, respectful communication about differences helps keep a marriage thriving.
"People don't just get upset. They contribute to their upsetness." -- Albert Ellis For a good relationship, who do you think is the most important person with whom you should communicate well? If you think it's someone other than yourself, think again.
Most New Year's resolutions sound wonderful. But you know what happens: They're out the window before February. The best way to keep your promise is to start small. Although I'm about to suggest some resolutions to enrich your relationship, I recommend that you commit to just one, after first selecting carefully. You want to promise to do something that is doable now. Accept the Truth Be honest with yourself. You or your relationship may need to grow a bit before you'll be ready to act on one or more of the ideas below.
Can you show grace during those awkward relationship times? The word, “grace” can mean charm, which is a nice quality to cultivate in ourselves. In a religious context, as in the song, “Amazing Grace,” it means unea ed kindness. You may be the giver of this kind of grace or its receiver. Being kind to people you meet and date, or to your spouse, even if you feel that their behavior doesn’t deserve it, is good for you, for them, and via a ripple effect, for the planet.
Depending on who you are, talking about money with a partner may be taboo, acceptable, or somewhere in between. In many cultures and families, it is not okay to talk about money. In others, it's fine to speak openly about it. Regardless of which category you fit into, understanding the source of your attitude can help you address money related conce s more successfully. How Money Views are Formed and Expressed Joan: Money as Love
Many people think that if a marriage is basically healthy all issues get resolved. Yet according to psychologist and author John Gottman's groundbreaking research, a whopping 69 percent of problems in marriage do not get solved.[1] His good news, though, is that many problems can be managed. Gottman states that couples can live with unresolvable conflicts about perpetual issues in their relationship if the issues are not deal breakers.
Have you tried the yoga tree pose? You stand straight, then raise one foot and place it against the calf of the leg that is taking all your weight. Staying in this pose for thirty seconds can feel like an ete ity. It’s easy to lose your balance.
“No man is an island” said 17th-century author John Donne. Spouses become interdependent in many ways. But this does not force them to give up their separate identities. It is important to keep one's individuality after tying the knot. Yet, none of us is totally self-sufficient. In fact, just about everyone depends on car mechanics, airplane pilots, farmers, friends, accountants, therapists, and others. Certainly, in a good marriage we rely on our marriage partner. We respect each other’s individuality and also connect as romantic partners and as lifetime teammates.
Whether you've already married or might want to be, why not learn an easy way to keep your relationship happy and lifelong? Regardless of life's ups and downs, if you've chosen your partner well, you can continue to enjoy romance, romance, intimacy, and teamwork. You'll deal with issues constructively and usually arrive at win-win solutions. My prescription for making such dreams come true: hold a weekly marriage meeting. What's a Marriage Meeting?
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. ---Mignon McLaughlin Can you imagine your partner and yourself holding a weekly formal meeting? The idea might intrigue you, but what if it turns into a gripe sessions or a series of demands?
"So what's the secret for a good marriage? asked my single friend, Ellen. "Choose wisely and learn what it takes to stay happily married," I blurted out. Yet many of us first need to believe that we can succeed in marriage.
Personally, I grew up with no encouragement to pray. I used to have a vague sense that prayer was for simple, naïve folks, that it was the “opiate for the masses.” So I do understand if you don’t relate to the concept. But perhaps you do. Most Americans Pray Daily. According to a Pew Research Center survey, 55% of Americans say they pray every day. Another 21% say they pray weekly or monthly.(1) Even many who are not religiously affiliated say they pray daily.
What do you expect from marriage? Honestly, do you think everything should be perfect? Actually, many people marry and soon find that their spouse is annoying — not constantly of course, but more than they expected. Fairy tales and romantic novels suggest that a good marriage is an effortless, happily ever after experience, with the emphasis on effortless. PEOPLE ARE ANNOYING Rabbi Yosef Richards offers this tongue-in-cheek, but really truer to life view of marriage: “People are annoying. So find the person who annoys you the least and marry that one.”
People don't just get upset. They contribute to their upsetness. -- Albert Ellis Maybe you've heard the joke that talking to yourself is the first sign of madness. Actually, the good kind of self-talk can actually save your marriage and other relationships. For a good marriage, who do you think is the most important person with whom you should communicate well? If you think it's your spouse, think again.
“Marriages are forms of super friendship,” says John F. Helliwell, Senior Fellow of the Canadian Institute for Advanced Research Some marriages begin with love at first sight. Usually, but not always, they fail after the initial buzz wears off. Others begin with a friendship that grows into love. This kind of marriage is more likely to succeed in the long run.[1]
"Flexibility is a sign of mental health", psychiatrist Tom Smith used to say when we were colleagues San Francisco’s Alcoholism Evaluation and Treatment Center. I was single then and in my late twenties. The men I dated were usually flexible. They had to be, because it was usually “my way or the highway” when it came to restaurants, outings, and so on.
Empathic means being able to understand and share the feelings of another. Can you talk to your loved one about your feelings, hopes, goals and dreams? Does he (or she) listen and respond empathically? If he does, wow! But if he doesn’t, don’t necessarily rule him out. Many men, and some women too, tend to jump in with a solution or a judgment when a woman wants only to be heard, because they are, um, men. Typically, the male brain is wired more for problem solving and less for communication about feelings than the female brain. EMPATHY CAN BE LEARNED
If you have unfinished business about a former relationship, you're not alone. Many of us enter a new relationship before really completing a former one. However, it’s important to gain a sense of closure about a past relationship in order to succeed in a new one. Closure, in the psychological sense, means “the state of experiencing an emotional conclusion to a difficult life event.” 1 Typical situations that call for closure are the loss of a romantic partner, spouse, or parent. Another can involve grieving the absence of a healthier home environment in which one was raised.
"Be yourself; everyone else is already taken, quipped Oscar Wilde. You've probably heard it's best to be yourself. Sounds easy, doesn't it? Yet many of us, wanting to please someone with whom we are in a close relationship--or with whom we may hope to be--forget to follow this advice and end up in relationships that are less than fulfilling. Self-Knowledge is Key
You’ve probably heard it’s best to be yourself. Sounds easy, doesn’t it? It might help to recall Oscar Wilde's quip: "Be yourself; everyone else is already taken." Yet many of us, wanting to please someone with whom we are in a close relationship—or with whom we may hope to be--forget to follow this advice and end up in relationships that are less than fulfilling. KNOW YOURSELF
Romance novels, movies, and fairytales glorify love at first sight, which rarely leads to a fulfilling marriage, because it is usually based on fantasy. Yes, there are exceptions, but Anna’s experience is more common. In Hebrew, “the word for love — ahavah — includes the Aramaic word hav, which means ‘Give!’ (And the initial letter alef makes it mean, ‘I will give.’) Loving . . . is not so much receiving, as giving of oneself, and making sacrifices for others.” [1] ANNA'S STORY
While still single, Emily discovered something important about marriage. She had heard the part about two becoming one. The eye-opener for her was learning how to remain a vibrant individual while being a relationship partner. When she wasn’t involved with a man, Emily spent her free time skiing, playing tennis, taking an art class, or relaxing at a beach. She joined women friends for dinner, a movie, or a play. She was happy.
If you're in a close relationship, sometimes your partner is likely to say something that jars you. Maybe you feel tightness in your throat, chest or elsewhere, You might forget to breather. Do you change the subject? Call her or him selfish, unreasonable, or inconsiderate? Or withdraw? Reacting means doing or saying what first pops into your mind. If you routinely do whatever you’re asked to do when you’d rather not, you’re likely to build up resentment. If instead of yielding, you belittle or stonewall your partner, you can expect ill will and conflict to increase.
As a therapist, I see a common self-defeating pattern in clients: they hold back from expressing their authentic selves — their true feelings, wants, and needs — to their relationship partner. By not communicating our true selves, we miss the opportunity to gain the kind of relationship we long for. We feel frustrated when we aren’t understood, don’t get our needs met, and don’t know what’s on the other person's mind. Communicating openly usually fosters a more emotionally and spiritually fulfilling relationship.
"A love without reproof is no love." ---Rabbi Yosi ben Chanina Reproof is defined as rebuke or criticism. You may feel safer by seething silently when irked by a potential or actual marriage partner's behavior. But sometimes speaking up, with kindness and respect, at a time when both of you are calm, is the best thing to do. Keeping a grievance inside can result in distancing behaviors and grudge holding. Calmly bringing up a matter you find disconcerting, can clear the air and renew good feelings that cease when knots are tying up your insides.
What San Francisco Giants fan won't miss Buster Posey? At the top of his career, the seven-time all-star who won three World Series surprised many of us by announcing his retirement at age 34 in early November. Why? Posey cites the desire to spend more time with his family and a recognition of the physical toll of playing catcher. So he's retiring after a twelve-year major league baseball career. Posey took a year off in 2020, forfeiting a multi-million dollar salary to stay home and keep his wife Kristen and their newly adopted, immune-compromised twins safe from COVID.
Everyone can point to an event that changed their life. For me, it was the anger workshop. The alcoholism treatment center in San Francisco, where I worked in the 1970s, had an “anything goes” culture for staff. We were encouraged to get in touch with our feelings, express them, and act them out. No holds barred I once joked with our supervising psychiatrist that the place was a residential treatment center for staff. He winked, put a finger to his lips, and said, “Shish,” like it was our secret.
"If you know what you do, you can do what you want," Feldenkrais instructor Ruti Gorel quotes Dr. Moshe Feldenkrais. The Feldenkrais method prescribes gentle, mindful exercises. While doing them, I become deeply relaxed. Afterward, my posture improves. The method focuses on self-awareness. Ruti explains the above quotation, saying: "Awareness is the first step to change." She means by noticing how we move our bodies, we can learn to move more efficientlyrn.r
Every society in the world praises the value of love. Love takes us beyond self-centeredness and motivates us to connect meaningfully with another. Yet, too often, the secular ideal of love emphasizes being loved, or at least receiving love in reciprocation for the love one gives. In Hebrew, “the word for love — ahavah — includes the Aramaic word hav, which means ‘Give!’ (And the initial letter alef makes it mean, ‘I will give.’) Loving . . . is not so much receiving, as giving — oneself, and making sacrifices for others.” [1] Much Confusion Exists About True Love
If you think opposites attract, think again! Just about everyone believes that opposites attract, but they don’t. Yet many relationship experts write that people seek partners whose traits complement their own. THE OPPOSITES ATTRACT MYTH It’s a myth that opposites attract, states Matthew D. Johnson, Chair & Professor of Psychology and Director of the Marriage and Family Studies Laboratory, Binghamton University, State University of New York.