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Articles by Margaret Paul

Browse published articles attributed to Margaret Paul, with full-archive search.

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By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

***Addictions: Talking as a Form of Resistance

I am sitting with Bryan at one of my 5-Day Inner Bonding Intensives. Bryan is talking about one thing after another, and I cannot follow him at all. Nor can I connect with him. My loneliness in sitting with him is giving me important information - that he is in his head, in his wounded self, protecting against his feelings and responsibility for his feelings. "Bryan, would you be willing to take a deep breath and put your focus into your heart?"

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

5,248 views4.3/5 (3)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

Gaining Others' Respect

We all want to be respected by others. And, we would all love to have control over whether or not others treat us respectfully. Is this realistic? Nigel, one of my clients, has a lot of confusion about this issue. He believes that people, especially his wife and children, "should" be respectful to him, and he gets very angry when they treat him disrespectfully - which they often do. What Nigel has failed to understand - which is what led him to seek my help - is that others are often a mirror of how we treat ourselves.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

4,499 views3.6/5 (7)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

Do You Get Frustrated With Others?

"I feel so frustrated when Mark is late," complained Shauna, during our phone session. "What am I supposed to do with all this frustration?" Shauna believed that her feeling of frustration was being caused by Mark. But this was not the case.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

4,487 views4.7/5 (3)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

*** Happiness and Financial Success - Which Comes First?

Which statement do you believe is the most true? Happiness brings you financial successFinancial success brings you happinessYou might be surprised to learn that research suggests the first statement to be the most true. Again, which statement to you believe is the most true? Happiness is ...

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

5,893 views4/5 (3)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

***When You Feel Hurt By Your Partner

I grew up with a very angry mother who would attack me out of the blue. As a highly sensitive only child, the fear and heartbreak of being treated so unlovingly was unbearable. So rather than feel the hurt, I numbed it out by learning to stay in my head rather than being present in my body, and by focusing on caretaking others' feelings. The only way I could survive was to not know that I was being so hurt.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

3,847 views5/5 (3)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

***Healing Love and Approval Addiction

Are you love or approval addicted?

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

5,065 views4.3/5 (3)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

***What Does It Mean To Have Integrity?

When I was in school training to be a psychotherapist, one of my professors introduced me to a concept that I find very valuable: "bad faith." We are in bad faith with ourselves and others when we are out of alignment with what is true for "who we really are." Who we really are - who is ...

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

5,926 views5/5 (1)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

***The Heart of Healing

I have spent many years trying to discover the ONE thing - the one vital choice - that leads to healing and joy, or to suffering. Over 35 years ago I discovered an essential piece of the puzzle: that we each have only one to two intents at any given moment - to protect against pain and responsibility for it, or to open to learning from our pain and take responsibility for it. In other words - to learn from pain or to run from pain with our various addictions.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

5,008 views3.6/5 (5)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

***Addiction to Video Games

Ed consulted with me because he was conce ed about his 16 year-old son. "He doesn't have any friends. I'd like to spend more time with him but there doesn't seem to be anything he likes to do." "How does he spend his time?" I asked. "Playing video games." Betsy consulted with me because she was conce ed about her husband's lack of motivation.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

6,280 views3.7/5 (3)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

***"I Just Want to be Understood."

"Seek first to understand and then to be understood." - Stephen Covey How often have you heard yourself say: "I just want someone to understand me." "I just want to be heard." "I feel invisible." "I just want to be seen." I know what it feels like to not be understood, heard, or seen, as I spent most of the first 45 years of my life feeling invisible. It feels terrible.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

8,581 views4/5 (1)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

*** Relationship Breakup: Heartbreak and Healing

Lindsay called me for counseling because her boyfriend of 18 months had just ended their relationship. Lindsay, 28, had been sure that Jake was "Mr. Right." "I am so heartbroken," sobbed Lindsay. "I don't know how I'm going to get through this. It feels like my heart is breaking apart. I love Jake so much and I thought he loved me too. I don't get how this could have happened, or why it happened. I feel like I can't live without him." "Tell me about your relationship with Jake."

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

6,065 views3/5 (5)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

*** Relationships: The Dance of Victims and Perpetrators

"He is always blaming me for the bad things that happen in his life, and then he tells me it's my controlling him that is making him so angry. He yells at me and puts me down rather than deal with his own feelings. How can I get him to see that he is the one trying to control me? How can I ...

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

4,108 views3.7/5 (6)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

***Verbal Abuse, Emotional Abuse - Overt And Covert

Our society is filled with verbal and emotional abuse, from radio and TV commentators and presidential candidates, to parents, educators, employers and managers. As Patricia Evans states in "The Verbally Abusive Relationship", the old adage, "Sticks and stones can break my bones but words will ...

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

5,376 views5/5 (1)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

*** Why Don't I Have Friends?

"Why don't I have friends?" asked Isabella in one of our phone counseling sessions. Isabella, 25 and very attractive, was having a problem that many people have. Sometimes, if people don't keep their high school friends or meet friends in college or at work, they may have trouble making friends. Yet there are many people who seem to be able to make friends wherever they go. What is the difference betwee Isabella and these people who easily make friends? Actually, there is a big difference.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

5,042 views4.5/5 (2)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

The ONE Major Cause of Relationship Problems!

What if there really is ONE major cause of relationship problems, one issue that if you address, would change everything? The good news and the bad news is - there is! The good news is that it makes it easier to understand why you might be having problems in your relationship. The bad news is that to resolve the issue takes a deep personal commitment to heal. The one cause is - self-abandonment. Let's take a look at what self-abandonment is and why it causes almost all the problems in relationships.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

5,035 views4.5/5 (2)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

What is Emotional Freedom?

My definition of emotional freedom is being free from feeling like a victim of and controlled by our emotions. We are emotionally free when we know how to learn from and manage our feelings so that we are not reactive to them and they don't control us. How Do We Attain Emotional Freedom? Emotional freedom is the result of learning how to take emotional responsibility, i.e., responsibility for our feelings. What does this mean and how do we do it? There are two different kinds of feelings: wounded feelings and core feelings.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

5,026 views4.5/5 (2)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

Addiction to Spending

"I keep getting into more and more debt, but I can't seem to stop. I do great for a while, and then I just have to go shopping and buy stuff. This is going to ruin my life if I don't stop, but how do I stop?" Mary Beth is addicted to spending. What does this mean and how can she stop?

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

5,001 views4/5 (3)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

***5 Reasons Why You Might Want to End Your Relationship

When I married my ex-husband in 1963, I was determined to create a stable, loving relationship. I wanted an intact family where we could raise our children and share the joys of our grandchildren. We did raise our children together, but ended the marriage after 30 years. We do get to share the joys of our grandchildren, but as friends rather than partners. Through the process of our difficult marriage, and my 43 years of counseling individuals and couples, I learned much about why it is better for some relationships to end.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

3,857 views5/5 (2)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

*** What Creates Confidence?

The Encarta World English Dictionary defines "confidence" as "a belief or self-assurance in your ability to succeed." We all know people who appear to be very confident professionally, yet when it comes to personal relationships, appear to be very insecure. Personal confidence is totally different than professional confidence in that personal confidence is about who you are and professional confidence is about what you do. Personal Confidence

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

4,709 views3.4/5 (5)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

Addiction to Gossip

A member of Inner Bonding Village asked the following question: "I'm a little confused. My mother is visiting me, and sometimes we have a nice time together. But often her way of bonding with me or anyone else is to talk about other people's problems. Most of the time I find it draining. It feels like she is never happy and uses her 'caring' and problem solving abilities to avoid something else."

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

4,791 views5/5 (1)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

***Anger Power

Does anger have power? Are you being powerful when you are angry? The answers to these questions depend on what you mean by power.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

4,369 views3.8/5 (4)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

***Are Kindness and Tende ess Signs of Weakness?

"Tende ess and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair but manifestations of strength and resolution." ~Kahlil Gibran Over the 42 years that I have been counseling individuals and couples, I have heard countless times: "If I cry in movies people will think I'm weak." "If I'm kind, people will take advantage of me." "If I'm gentle, people will see me as weak instead of powerful." "Being emotional is a sign of weakness."

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

4,467 views4.5/5 (2)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

The Fear of Being Alone

Gina consulted with me because her marriage was falling apart. She had discovered that her husband was having yet another affair, and when he was with her, he was either angry or withdrawn. She had requested numerous times that he join her in couples therapy, but he had no interest in healing ...

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

4,747 views5/5 (1)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

Relationships: "I'm Open, You're Closed"

Rianna and Joel consulted with me because they kept getting stuck in their relationship whenever there was a conflict. It wasn't the issue itself that kept creating a problem, but how they were dealing with the issue. Married for 7 years with three children, they loved each other deeply, and were both distressed when they were disconnected due to their inability to work through conflict. "Rianna," I said in our conjoint phone session, "I'd like to hear about the issue from your point of view."

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

4,682 views5/5 (1)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

*** Giving Up: Have You Given Up on Yourself?

"I feel like giving up," Emma told me in our first phone session. "I've worked and worked on myself and I'm still miserable. I've had years of therapy and I still feel unbearably depressed. Nothing is working." "It sounds to me like you are abandoning yourself."

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

5,268 views3.3/5 (4)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

***Women Who Wish Their Spouses Would Die

"I feel awful saying this," Mary told me during one of our phone counseling sessions, "but I often wish my husband would die. I feel like a terrible person saying this, but I think about it a lot." "I hear this fairly often," I responded. "You are thinking this, not because you are a terrible person, but because you feel trapped and you don't know how to get out of the trap." "But my husband is a really nice person and he loves me. Yet all I want to do is get away."

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

4,736 views3.5/5 (4)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

***Do You Avoid Failure Like the Plague?

"You may have a fresh start at any moment you choose, for this thing that we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down."--Mary Pickford, 1893-1979, Actress and producer

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

5,373 views4/5 (2)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

***The Happiness Choice

"Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us." --Stephen R. Covey, Author and Speaker This is a powerful freedom. And, from my point of view, another way of putting this is that the ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide our own intent: - To protect against pain with our controlling behavior - To learn about what is loving to ourselves and others When our intent is to learn about love, that is when we get to decide how others will affect us.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

3,534 views5/5 (2)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

Two Choices That can Make Next Year The Best Year of Your Life

What if there were just two choices you could make to insure that next year would be wonderful? There actually are, and these choices are quite simple in concept, yet not easy to do. They are not things you do on the outside, such as exercising your body (which is always a good thing to do!) but ...

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

4,338 views4.5/5 (2)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

What Does it Mean to “Self Improve?”

Self Improvement has become mainstream. In the last few years, since I have been writing articles and submitting them to article sites, I’ve noticed that the category of “Self Improvement” has been showing up lately when it was never there before. To me, this is very good news. But what does it ...

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

3,496 views5/5 (2)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

***Relationships: Cheating

"Why would my boyfriend cheat on me?" "I'm pretty sure my wife is cheating on me. I want to know why." "I know that my husband has been cheating on me for years. I don't get why he does this." Why do people cheat on their partners? Why do others have affairs that their partners know about? Here are some of the reasons for cheating that I have encountered in my many years of counseling.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

5,917 views2.6/5 (5)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

Food That Harms, Food That Heals

Our country is stretched to the limit due to the cost of health care. Even with the new health care bill, there will be on going conflict over what we should do to provide people with affordable health care. But the reason that the problem seems irresolvable is a very complex one.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

3,415 views5/5 (2)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

***Safety With an Open Heart

Do you live your life with your heart mostly open or mostly closed? Do you spend most of your time protecting against rejection or being taken advantage of, or most of your time open to sharing love with others? As children, many people had very heartbreaking experiences that caused them to close their heart. What experiences led to you closing your heart?

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

4,194 views4.5/5 (2)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

Five Secrets to Weight Loss

Weight loss - such a "big" topic! Every month another book or program is out by another expert on weight loss. Everyone wants to know the secret to losing weight. Weight used to be a major issue for me. Losing weight was never out of my thoughts, and I can't tell you how many different diets, pills and programs I tried until I discovered some "secrets" that have worked for me for many years now. - Learn to disce which part of you determines what and when you eat, as well as how much you eat.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

4,405 views5/5 (1)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

A Major Cause of Marriage Problems

We all know that relationships are very challenging. 52% of married people reach their 15th anniversary and only 33% reach their 25th anniversary. I have been counseling individuals and couples for 40 years and I believe that I have discovered a major cause of relationship problems - if not ...

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

3,361 views5/5 (2)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

The Consequences of Permissive Parenting

You are being a permissive parent when you are compliant, indulgent, or indifferent with your children. When you are being compliant, you are giving yourself up and going along with what your children want to avoid their upset with you. When you are being indulgent, you are giving in to your ...

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

6,238 views3.5/5 (2)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

***The Crazymaking Trap: Proving Your Worth Over and Over

Marcus grew up the eldest of three, with a highly critical mother and an absent father. Marcus's mother frequently told him or implied that he was too stupid to take care of himself - that he would be nothing without her. She programmed him to believe that she was his only source of love and safety, but that she wouldn't give him the love he so desperately needed until he proved himself worthy of it by doing things "right". She taught him to be confused between love and approval, and to be constantly trying to control getting love and avoiding the pain of rejection.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

3,603 views4.3/5 (3)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

Do You Need Others' Approval?

"At work, every time I have to speak at meetings, I get so stressed." "I’m taking a class and I'm always afraid to raise my hand and ask a question." "I'm fine one to one, but as soon as I get into a group, I'm so tense I can hardly stand it." "I'm totally relaxed with my women friends, but ...

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

4,332 views5/5 (1)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

Lying as a Form of Control

All of us, as we were growing up, learned a myriad of ways to try to have control over getting love, avoiding pain, and feeling safe. One of the ways we might have learned is to lie. We all had many opportunities to learn this way of protecting ourselves, which is a form of manipulation/control: - A parent or caregiver interrogated you about something you knew you were not supposed to do. Did you tell the truth or did you deny that you did it?

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

4,330 views5/5 (1)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

Forgiving Your Parents

"My parents were distant, unaffectionate people. I don't remember ever being held by them. They were never interested in how I thought or felt. I never felt important to them at all." "My mother was crazy - nice one minute and the next a screaming maniac. My father was sweet but he was never ...

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

4,326 views5/5 (1)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

*** The Power of Positive Thinking - Does it Work to Manifest?

I was recently at home of a friend's daughter and she had affirmations taped on the walls everywhere. "Are these helpful to you?" I asked. "Not really," she answered. "I do them all the time but they don't seem to be doing anything. I've read about the law of ...

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

4,747 views3.7/5 (3)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

Love Addiction, Approval Addiction

In my experience as a counselor for 40 years, I have found that love addiction and approval addiction are far more prevalent than any other substance or process addictions. We live in a love-addicted, approval-addicted society. What does it mean to be love/approval addicted? Below is a ...

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

4,311 views5/5 (1)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

Moving Beyond Codependency: Saving Your Marriage

I have counseled couples for almost 40 years, and it still thrills me when a couple, especially a couple with children, choose to work on their troubled marriage instead of leave it. It is my experience that when two people really want to save their marriage, they can. Even if one person wants ...

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

6,379 views4/5 (1)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

*** Marriage: Responsibility vs. Fault

In my counseling practice, I often hear people saying things like: "It's my fault that she asked for a divorce. If I hadn't worked so much, she wouldn't have left." "It's my fault that he left. If I had been more sexual, he wouldn't have had an affair." I often hear clients ask, when I point out something they are doing that is having negative consequences for them, "Are you saying that this is my fault?" I respond with, "No, but it is your responsibility." What is the difference between responsibility and fault? Fault implies that you are the cause of a situation.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

4,814 views4/5 (2)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

***Self-Pity or Self-Compassion

There is a vast difference between feeling sorry for yourself and feeling kindness toward yourself. Self-Pity When you see yourself as a victim, you indulge in self-pity. You are a bottomless pit of misery, and you may find yourself crying endless victim tears. You might say things like:

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

4,145 views5/5 (1)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

***Do You Isolate?

In my counseling practice, I often have clients who tend to isolate as a way of protecting against their fears - especially their fears of rejection and engulfment. They are so afraid of being disliked, disapproved of, attacked or having demands made on them, that they choose to avoid relationships, rather than learn how to deal with these challenging situations. These people have never developed a loving Adult self, who knows how to take loving care of them when others are angry, rejecting or demanding. They believe they prefer loneliness over the challenge of relationships.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

2,585 views5/5 (3)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

*Marriage Help: If You Are Thinking Of Getting a Divorce, Think Again!

Are you thinking of getting a divorce because: • Your spouse is physically abusive with you or with your children? • Your spouse is an alcoholic or drug addict and has no intention of dealing with the addiction? • Your spouse has a gambling addiction and is causing financial ...

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

2,579 views5/5 (3)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

***Everyday Creativity

Do you tell yourself that you are not a creative person because you can't draw or play an instrument or write poetry? I often hear many of my clients bemoan, "I'm not creative!" This isn't true! We all have the ability to be creative - it is a God-given gift - but you might not be noticing or ...

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

4,078 views5/5 (1)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

The Calm Mind

"The more tranquil a [person] becomes, the greater is his success, his influence, his power for good. Calmness of mind is one of the beautiful jewels of wisdom." --James Allen, 1864-1912, Author of As A Man Thinketh Of all the challenges in life, calmness of mind is probably one of ...

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

6,164 views4/5 (1)

By Margaret PaulRecently published1 topic

***Are You Making These 4 Mistakes?

I, like many of you, was brought up and programmed to believe in a number of ideas that have turned out to be untrue. These false beliefs led me to make various life and relationship mistakes. I didn't like making mistakes any more than you do, but it is from my mistakes that I've learned so much. In this article, I'm going to discuss the 4 major mistakes that I used to make and that so many of my counseling clients make before working with me. Self-judgment

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

3,007 views4.3/5 (4)

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