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Browse published articles attributed to Margaret Paul, with full-archive search.
"How can I be more spiritually connected? How can I hear the voice of my spiritual guidance?" I frequently hear these questions from my clients and from people who attend my workshops and intensives. Everyone who is on a spiritual path wants to experience the presence of Spirit in his or her ...
I have worked with individuals and couples for the past 42 years, and I have heard this question countless times: "Why doesn't my partner want to have sex with me?" Over and over, I discover that there is often ONE major reason he or she doesn't want to have sex.
Are you finding yourself irritated with your spouse lately? Are you having problems remembering why you love this person - or why you even got married in the first place? You are not alone! Ramona consulted with me because this is exactly what was happening in her marriage. "When Randy and I ...
"My husband never lets me explain anything to him. It's so frustrating! He makes these statements that are blaming and attacking and then he won't listen to me when I'm trying to explain." "Why do you want to explain?" "I NEED to explain because he is not seeing things accurately. He is making assumptions that are not accurate." "So you want to explain to get him to see things differently than he does." "Yes."
A member of our website asked this question in our advice section:I've read several of the articles on the site, but have not seen anything mentioned about "chasing"after someone who is pulling away in a relationship. That has to be a form of protection against deeper feelings, though, right? If someone is pulling away and the urge to chase after them comes up, what is the best thing to do in this situation? Thanks!
Marty tells me in a phone session,"Susan is always criticizing me. How do I get her to stop?" Fiona tells me in a phone session,"Jeff is often withdrawn. I feel so angry about this." It's always easy to see what your partner is doing that you don't like, but it's generally very challenging to see your end of a dysfunctional relationship system. However, your end of the system is equal to your partner's end, as we attract people at our common level of woundedness or our common level of health. What does this mean?
I’ve been counseling individuals and couples for many years. More than half the time, when couples are having problems or the relationship is dissolving, sex is one of the major issues. There are a number of common scenarios:
Sometimes youâre not nice and, for whatever reason, you canât go back and apologize to people for having been mean, malicious, or unkind to them. The main thing to realize is that feeling guilty will only delay and obstruct the lessons and practices of becoming a nicer person. It seems and feels better to recognize that you blew it and vow to make it right for the next person you come into contact with by âpaying it forward.ânnIn her wonderful book, Pay It Forward, Ca
Have you ever said to yourself, "The reaso God doesn't love me is I don't deserve to be loved?" Have you ever looked inside to discover why you might not be loving to yourself and answered with, "I'm not worthy of love"? I hear this all the time from my clients. It is often one of the major false beliefs of the ego wounded self. What exactly does this mean? When I ask people the question, "Why don't you deserve love?" they say, "I don't know. I guess if I deserved love, I would have been loved."
"I was up too late with my friend Peg last night," Abigail told me in our phone session. "She was needing to vent. Then I had a problem falling asleep, but at least I was there for her." "How often does this happen?" I asked her. "Oh, fairly often. At least every couple of weeks." "Why do you ...
Harv called me for phone consultations because his wife, Nancy, threatened to leave him if he did not get some help. "I must be all messed up with my sexuality. I constantly want sex with my wife and she is fed up with it. When she won't have sex with me I'm angry and sullen. I love my wife ...
Dealing with addicted family members is always a big challenge. There are some important issues to explore when someone you love is harming themselves. ARE YOU CONTRIBUTING TO THE PROBLEM? People use various addictions to avoid their painful feelings, especially their feelings of anxiety, ...
"You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do." --Eleanor Roosevelt Why should most people be thinking about you? They are far more conce ed with what you are thinking about them to spend time thinking about you! Right now, take a moment to ponder the question: "How would I feel and what would I do differently if I never thought about what people think of me?" I pondered this question many years ago and discovered some things that changed my life:
Are you terrified of others' anger? Are you afraid to open to your own anger for fear of getting out of control? If you grew up in an angry or violent home, there is a good possibility that you have a fear of both your own anger and others' anger. Fear of Others' Anger I grew up with a very angry mother and I was terrified of her anger. Her anger was irrational and it came out of nowhere. My whole body used to shake when she got angry.
Haley, 38, consulted with me because her boyfriend had just broken up with her. Shocked and broken-hearted, she tearfully told me about how wonderful he was and about how she didn't know how she could survive this break up. Haley and Owen had been together for over 2 years and were making plans ...Haley, 38, consulted with me because her boyfriend had just broken up with her. Shocked and broken-hearted, she tearfully told me about how wonderful he was and about how she didn't know how she could survive this break up.
For the last 35 years, I have been working with individuals, couples and families, as well as business relationships. I have 8 published books on relationships and healing, some of them best-sellers. In the first half of my career, I worked as a traditional psychotherapist, and was not happy ...
While it is probable that no one consciously sets out to create a life of substance abuse, those who end up addicted to substances are choosing certain thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors that will likely end up leading to some form of substance abuse - drugs, alcohol, nicotine, food, junk food, ...
No one SAYS they want a terrible relationship, yet so many people go about creating them that we need to assume they must WANT them! So, here's my 7 Step foolproof guide to creating a terrible relationship. 1. TAKE NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN FEELINGS Make sure that you do not take ...
"Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well." - Josh Billings, 1818-1885
Takers and caretakers – they often seem to find each other! As a counselor who has worked with relationships for 37 years, I can tell you that this is the most frequent relationship dynamic that I encounter. Takers are people who tend to be narcissistic – that is, they are ...
Imagine that you have a little child - a son or daughter, but that you are only 15 years old. How are you going to feel about this child? There is a good possibility that you will feel that this child is a burden, limiting your freedom. You will likely feel that the child is too demanding, ...
This article on CNN Health - http://www.cnn.com/2011/HEALTH/08/17/bitter.resentful.ep/index.html?&hpt=hp_c2-by Elizabeth Cohen, is very interesting, regarding the negative health effects of blame and resentment. "Feeling bitter interferes with the body's hormonal and immune systems, according to Carsten Wrosch, an associate professor of psychology at Concordia University in Montreal...."
I've been reading in many different sources about the research involving community and well being. In his best-selling book,"Outliers," Malcolm Gladwell opens with a study done in a small Pennsylvania town called Roseto.
One of the most common complaints I receive in my relationship counseling work is "We hardly ever have sex." Since you might be addicted to the anger and complaining around this issue, I want to make sure you do ALL the right things so you get to continue being angry and complaining about ...
"He can who thinks he can, and he can't who thinks he can't. This is an indisputable law." - Henry Ford Have you ever noticed how often you say, "I can't"? "I can't lose weight." "I can't find my soul mate." "I can't find a job I love." "I can't take care of myself." "I can't heal this shame." "I can't get myself to exercise." "I can't find my passion."
What is life REALLY all about? It's all about love! But what does this mean? Most people, when thinking about love, think about BEING LOVED. But, as an adult, the deeper soul's journey is not about being loved - it is about BEING LOVING. For small children, the main focus is on being loved, ...
Frequently, when I start to work with a new client, they believe that loving their self is selfish. Nothing could be further from the truth. A more accurate definition of selfish is expecting others to give themselves up and do for you what you can and need to be doing for yourself. Letting Others Off The Hook How are others let off the hook when you love yourself? Let us count the ways!
"There's too much to do. You'll never get it all done." My wounded self was harping on me about not having enough time. It's true that my life is very busy. But every time my wounded self told me that there is too much to do and that I will never get it all done, my body got tense. And, as I well know, tension indicates that I'm telling myself a lie. But what was the lie? There WAS too much to do, and there WASN'T enough time to get it all done. So I went to my Guidance, asking for the truth and what to do about this, and this is what she said to me:
"We 'love' another in order to get something ourselves….There can be no greater mistake than that, for love is incapable of asking for anything." -- A Course in Miraclesnn"Love is incapable of asking for anything." Wow! Take a moment to think about that ...
On April 1, 2011, Matt Cantor, Newser Staff, posted "As Americans Get More Self-Centered, So Do Lyrics Study finds increasingly narcissistic words in top 10 hits."Today's hit songs aren't about "us"-they're just about "me," a study finds.
What do you usually do when you get stuck with someone and can't communicate? Do you:
Did you grow up believing that if only someone REALLY loved you in the way you needed to be loved, then you would feel happy, safe, lovable and worthy?
Have you ever noticed how bad you feel when you try to control things you can't control - such as others and outcomes? Larry consulted with me because he was often miserable - despite running a successful business, and having a lovely wife and two daughters, whom he adored.
"Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother." But what if your father and mother didn't honor you? What if instead of loving and honoring you they physically, sexually and emotionally abused you? What if you were scared every day of your growing up years? And what if, when you finally grow up and start to face the fact that your family of origin abused you, and through some therapy finally gain the courage to confront them with the abuse, they completely deny it and tell you that you are crazy? Do you stay in that family system or leave it?
"You find yourself refreshed by the presence of cheerful people. Why not make an honest effort to confer that pleasure on others? Half the battle is gained if you never allow yourself to say anything gloomy." --Julia Child, 1912-2004, Chef, Author and Television Personality What is your primary intention with others - to share uplifting, caring energy, or to get sympathy? Getting Sympathy
All of us have projected our own thoughts, feelings, motivations and desires onto others, and have been at the other end of projection. Many of us learned to project onto others as we were growing up, when our parents, siblings or caregivers projected their unconscious feelings, thoughts and motivations onto us. We might project onto others when we have judged our own feelings, actions, desires and motivations as bad, wrong, shameful or dangerous. This article is about being at the other end of someone projecting onto you.
Mandy and Evan consulted with me for couple’s counseling because they were always bickering. Every little thing seemed to become an issue between them. They loved each other very much, but the bickering was certainly getting in the way of enjoying each other. I ask Mandy and Evan to come ...
There are many factors that go into creating a loving relationship. Certainly it helps if two people have some things in common regarding how they like to spend their time. It also helps if they have common values around religion or spirituality, around politics, the environment, abortion, and ...
Take a moment right now to think about your real intention when it comes to love: Is it most important to you to get someone to love you - to get love? Is it more important to you to be a loving person - to give love to yourself and others?At any moment, you have one of these two intentions, ...
Demanding children – children who have entitlement issues – seem to be common these days. Like the obnoxious child, Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory, who was constantly demanding that her father get her whatever she wanted (“I want an Umpa Lumpa! Get it for me NOW!”), we hear ...
Is it loving or unloving to be controlling? It all depends on your intent, on which part of you is trying to control, and what you are trying to control. When Controlling is Unloving
________________________________________ Joy is our birthright - a gift of Spirit. Discover the choices you can make to lead a joyful life. ________________________________________ 1. Self-Compassion Rather Than Self-Judgment
"Perception is a mirror not a fact. And what I look on is my state of mind, reflected outward." - - A Course in Miracles I remember many years ago seeing the movie "Rashomon" (starring Toshiro Mifune and directed my Akira Kurosawa) where three people saw a murder committed and each saw it completely differently. Of course, each believed that what they saw was the truth. It is hard for many people to understand that perception is a mirror of what is going on for them on the inner level, rather than what is actually going on.
Most people would love to have "real love," yet often they have no idea what real love is. Take a moment to think about how you would define real love. Defining love is like defining a particular color to a person who has never been able to see color - you have to feel it know what it is. ...
I recently received the following request: "Hi Dr. Paul -- I would be interested in an article that talks about having needs vs. being needy. I was brought up to be ashamed of my needs. I was supposed to be self-sufficient. As a result, I am ashamed of neediness and often don't recognize my own needs. I also don't know how to tell if others are "being needy" or simply expressing a need.
A recent study indicates that crying does not make people feel better. But there is a problem with this study. (Crying shame: Tears don't make you feel any better, study shows, By Cari Nierenberg, http://bodyodd.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/07/29/7190543-crying-shame-tears-dont-make-you-feel-any-better-study-shows#.TjR9l8uTx0A.email) The study indicates that:
James, in his middle 30s, was ready to meet his life partner, get married and have children. After dating many women, he met Cindy. "She is really beautiful, although I'm not sure she's my type. But I think she is perfect for me. We have the same interests, the same values, we go to the ...
Inner peace and joy are spiritual gifts. The gifts of Spirit enter the heart when we make the choices we need to make to be available to them. What are these choices? Presence Peace and joy exist in this present moment - not in the past or future. If you are in your left-brain ego programmed ...
In the last few decades, partners have spent countless hours trying to “work out problems.” Yet over and over again they often come up against a major roadblock: they just don’t see things the same way. No matter how long they talk and how hard they try, neither ends up feeling ...
Christmas is almost here and you get to decide who you want to be. I don't mean if you want to be Santa Claus. I mean what kind of person do you want to be? Do you want to be a person who chooses your actions according to your fears of rejection, of getting hurt, of ridicule, or of being taken advantage of? Or do you want to be a person who chooses your actions from your deep desire to be a kind, loving, caring person?