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Browse published articles attributed to Margaret Paul, with full-archive search.
"I'm so sick and tired of Andrea's anger and bossiness that I'm about ready to leave this relationship," said Paul in our phone counseling session. "Everything has to be her way. Why can't she just keep her mouth shut? She is ruining this relationship. I hate her judgmentalness. Every time she ...
"When it is helpful to apologize?" asked Patricia, a client of mine, in one of our phone sessions. Her husband, Brent, often expected her to apologize and she was confused about when it was appropriate. The answer to this question is a little complex, because there are two different reasons that people apologize:
Giving to others can be one of the most fulfilling experiences in life, or it can be one of the most draining. What makes the difference? The difference has to do with WHY you are giving to others. Giving From A Full Heart When we give from a full heart, we are giving because we are so filled up with love that it is overflowing, and we receive great joy in giving to others.
"By the right choice and true application of thought, man ascents to the Divine Perfection; by the abuse and wrong application of thought, he descents below the level of the beast. Between these two extremes are all the grades of character, and man is their maker and master."nn-As A Man ...
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. but in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.
I used to think that caretaking was the opposite of narcissism. I thought that narcissists were people who demanded that others give themselves up to care-take the narcissist. I thought that caretakers were people who were programmed to take care of others instead of themselves. I thought that caretakers needed some healthy narcissism and that takers/narcissists needed more compassion for others.
Most of us know that expressing heartfelt gratitude is a powerful way to raise our frequency and connect with our spiritual Guidance. Yet many people rarely or never express gratitude, and when they do, it is more rote than truly heartfelt. In a phone session with Deb, one of my clients, we were talking about this very issue. She was telling me how much trouble she has ever feeling gratitude.
"Intimacy begins with oneself. It does no good to try to find intimacy with friends, lovers, and family if you are starting out from alienation and division within yourself." - Thomas Moore, author, Care of the Soul Most of us would love to have intimacy and connection in our lives, yet we often find this elusive. Why? Thomas Moore puts it in a nutshell. Until we are intimate and connected with ourselves, we cannot experience the greatest joy in life - intimacy and connection with others.
I have been counseling couples for 35 years. Quite often individuals come in for help wondering if it is really possible to save or improve their relationship. Perhaps their partner is totally uninterested in working on the relationship. Perhaps their partner is an alcoholic or drug addict. What ...
"Let's talk tonight," said Callie. "Oh no, not again!" thought Darren as he gave Callie a blank stare, feeling like a deer in the headlights. Darren knew from past experience that "Let's talk," meant, "Let's talking about what you are doing wrong, and about how you are not meeting my needs, and about how hurt and unloved I feel."
Sharon, one of the members of our website, emailed me asking me to write more on abuse, particularly covert incest. She was in the process of ending her 4-year marriage with her covertly abusive husband, who is emotionally incestuous with his adult daughter. "There is no physical involvement, ...
"Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They came through you but not from you and though they are with you yet they belong not to you." -- Kahlil Gibran Symptoms of enmeshed parenting:
"Let everyone sweep in front of his own door, and the whole world will be clean." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe What would happen if we each learned to take 100% responsibility for our own feelings and needs - learning to attend to our feelings with compassion for ourselves, and extending that compassion to others? What would happen if each of us were conscious enough to sweep in front of our own door - which means we would be conscious enough not to dump our filth on the rest of the world? I love to imagine the possibilities!
________________________________________ Discover the way out of choosing the wrong relationships over and over. ________________________________________ Do you find yourself choosing a similar wrong partner over and over? This is what Laura asks about: "How can I get past the point of choosing destructive and abusive relationships over and over just because I grew up in an abusive and dysfunctional family? Is it better to just remain single and grow with God and be a good mom and not gravitate toward craziness?"
________________________________________ Betrayal is one of the hardest things to go through, and it is vitally important that you deal with it in a way that doesn’t cause you even more pain. ________________________________________ It is devastating when someone whom we believe cares about us betrays us – lies, cheats, breaks a sacred promise, hurts us behind our back, steals from us, turns others against us and so on. The Steps to Healing From Betrayal 1. Releasing the feelings rather than staying stuck with them
In my counseling practice, I often hear the question, “How do I end a relationship without hurting someone’s feelings?” Whether it’s a romantic relationship or a friendship, ending it gracefully is generally a challenge. The problem arises because so many people see it ...
Jeffrey showed up at one of my 5-Day Inner Bonding Intensives to deal with his alcoholism and resulting relationship problems. His past two marriages had ended in messy divorces. His business was falling apart. Yet in the face of all of this, Jeffrey could not or would not stop drinking. Two ...
"Sam whines and complains to me a lot, and then expects me to be turned on to him and make love with him. When I don’t want to, he gets angry," said Jackie in our first telephone counseling session. "I have become more and more shut down. I don't want our marriage to end, but if we keep going ...
"...no one ever pushes you toward freedom. You need to take that for yourself."n--Joan Erickson, wife of psychologist Erik Erickson, quoted in Joan Anderson's book, A Walk on the Beach. Do you believe that someone has to give you your freedom? Do you believe that you can be free only when you ...
How often have you had the thought, "If you really loved me, you wouldn't... - Get angry, yell, curse, call names, say mean, untrue things about me - Project your behavior onto me - Withdraw, run away, shut down, sit spaced-out in front of the TV - Resist doing what I ask you to do - Look at other women, have an affair - ____________________ (fill in your own) I used to have this thought all the time.
We hear so often, "Don't take it personally." What does this really mean? The answer is NOT simple! Let's say that you are in a great mood, feeling loving and expansive, and someone - either someone close to you or a stranger like a clerk in a store - is withdrawn or attacking.
Marilee had grown up with very strict authoritarian parents, and decided that when she had children she would not be controlling with them the way her parents had been with her. Unfortunately, the only thing she knew to do was to be a permissive parent, which meant that instead of controlling ...Marilee had grown up with very strict authoritarian parents, and decided that when she had children she would not be controlling with them the way her parents had been with her.
We need to resolve the violence in our society. I'm offering a few ideas regarding the issues we need to research and address. Why? Why are these horrible killings happening? I don't pretend to know the answers, but I do have some ideas that I want to share with you. I believe there are many issues that we need to attend to as a society.
________________________________________ Are you aware of what state you are in when you and your partner come together? ________________________________________ On a recent visit with my daughter and her family, she and I were taking a walk and talking about our mutual work.
Are you aware of how you may be hurting your partner? Are you aware of how your partner may be hurting you? Are you aware of the painful feelings of loneliness, heartache and heartbreak you likely feel when you are disconnected from your loved one and unable to share love?
"If I could define enlightenment briefly I would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is." - Dr. Wayne Dyer As simple as this definition seems to be, how often do you quietly accept what is? Instead, what do you say or do? - I say things like “It’s not supposed to be this way.” “It should have been different.” “It should be this other way.”
Think about this for a moment: Is it really possible to love your children without loving yourself, or to love yourself without loving your children? The answer is no. If you are ignoring yourself to take care of your children, this is not loving to your children or to yourself. While being ...
Discover whether or not it is loving to yourself to give someone the benefit of the doubt. I was having a Skype session with Raul. He was feeling down because a woman he has recently met rejected him. He was confused because he hadn't actually really liked her on their first date, but he asked her out anyway. "Why did you ask her out again?" "I gave her the benefit of the doubt." "Raul, please look back on your relationship history and see how things have worked out with women when you gave them the benefit of the doubt."
When partners are having problems, they often say that the problem is communication. What exactly does this mean? What are they trying to communicate? There are various reasons for communicating: 1. Sometimes we communicate to offer information about ourselves, such as, "I'm going out for a ...
"I've finally learned how to lovingly hold my heart when my heart hurts from the pain of disconnection with loved ones," said Meagan in our phone session. "I've discovered that it's possible to feel peaceful even in the midst of loneliness and heartbreak." Does it seem like a paradox to you to feel both peaceful and sad at the same time? Peaceful and Sad at the Same Time
Many of us have heard of the Law of Attraction - that like attracts like. However, many are confused about what this really means. In my experience, like attracts like means that like frequency attracts like frequency. My high frequency attracts the things I want and my low frequency attracts the things I don't want. The question then becomes, what raises or lowers frequency? What Lowers Frequency? Anything that makes you feel down lowers your frequency. Here is a list of what I have found lowers frequency:
"I can't seem to stop snacking," said Linda, in our phone session. "And I can't figure out why. I don't overeat during meals, but then I snack on things that I don't need to be eating. I've had this issue on and off since adolescence and I want to resolve it." "Linda, right now, take yourself back to the last time you snacked. See if you can tune into what was going on and what you were feeling."
________________________________________ Have you ever felt the Grace of oneness with God? There are many things you can do to have this at will. ________________________________________ "Praying without ceasing is not ritualized, nor are there even words. It is a constant state of awareness of oneness with God." ~Peace Pilgrim “…awareness of oneness with God.” What does this mean?
We are inherently social beings, and feeling emotionally connected with another is one of the great joys in life. Yet, all too often, we feel lonely around another or others, wanting to connect and not knowing how. We may have learned numerous dysfunctional or unsatisfying ways of connecting, and wonder why we still feel lonely around someone when we are trying so hard to connect. Emotional connection is an experience of the heart, not of the head. While you may feel a certain kind of connection when you are in your head, this form of connection may leave you feeling unsatisfied.
Have you ever noticed the difference in people who are able to easily let go of resentment and forgive, and those who stay in anger and blame? What I have noticed is that those who continue to stay in blame and resentment are often people who see themselves as victims of other people's choices. ...
"Sooner or later, all of us must see that negative feelings toward another person is like tossing dust at him while the wind blows against us. It all comes back." --Vernon Howard, Psycho-Pictography Negative emotions, such as anger, blame, resentment, misery, jealousy, hurt, guilt, shame, and ...
-------------------------------------------------------------- How honest are you willing to be with yourself regarding your intent? -------------------------------------------------------------- Sometimes, when there is conflict in a relationship, it's hard to tell if you are withdrawing to avoid conflict - or as a way of punishing your partner - or if you are lovingly disengaging to take loving care of yourself.
I recently attended a conference and one of the speakers was David Stanley, who lived with Elvis Presley as his stepbrother since David was four years old. His book, about his experiences with Elvis, called "Conversations With the King," just got published. The book is co-authored by my good friend, Dr. David Gruder. In the book, and in David Stanley's presentation at the conference, we learn that Elvis constantly asked David, "Who am I?" He asked him this for the last time, just two days before he died.
Most parents want to be good parents. Yet parenting is one of those things that does not have hard and fast rules. So how do we know what to do? How do we know what will support our children in being all they can be? One of the most important things for parents to do is to learn to trust their ...
"...telling children they're smart...made them feel dumber and act dumber."n--Mindset, by Carol S. Dweck, Ph.D., p.74 In her extraordinary book, Mindset, Dr. Carol S. Dweck presents research that, hopefully, will change the course of parenting and education. In one of her research studies, ...
All of us have some characteristics and behaviors that fall into the category of narcissism. Narcissism is on a continuum from mild, occasional, and subtle to the more ubiquitous, obvious or extreme behaviors of a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Since narcissism is likely a part of everyone's ego wounded self, it is helpful to your personal growth and development to be aware of your own level of narcissism. Be honest with yourself - but not judgmental - regarding the presence and intensity of the following characteristics:
How are your children doing? If they are doing well, then I'm sure you feel good about your parenting. If they are not doing well, what are you telling yourself about your parenting? "I should have been there for them more." "I should have been harder/easier on them." "I should have been a ...
We have all learned many ways of trying to avoid or get rid of our painful feelings. Many of these ways are fairly obvious: addictions to substances and activities, staying in your mind rather than in your body, or judging yourself.
Amanda and Ron had been married for six years and had two small children. I had counseled them during some difficult times in their marriage, but had not heard from them for a while. Then Amanda scheduled an emergency phone session with me. She was very upset. “I just found out that Ron’s been ...
I have learned over my 43 years of counseling that no one heals without a personal connection to a spiritual source of Guidance. William was struggling with issues of shame and depression. He had struggled with feelings of insecurity and jealousy most of his life, despite years of inner work. While he intellectually knew that he was okay, emotionally he never felt it. This was his first phone session with me. "William," I asked, "what is your concept of God or a Higher Power?"
________________________________________ Are you focusing on getting your partner to change to avoid a painful choice that you might need to make? ________________________________________
There was an interesting article in The Atlantic, entitled "How to Land Your Kid in Therapy: Why the obsession with our kids' happiness may be dooming them to unhappy adulthoods. A therapist and mother reports." http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2011/07/how-to-land-your-kid-in-therapy/8555/ The article is about the way many parents focus much of their energy on being there for their children, but their children end up feeling lost and empty.
________________________________________ Loneliness is a huge problem in our society. It doesn't have to be this way. ________________________________________
_______________________________________________________ Creating a loving relationship doesn't have to be as hard as you might think! _______________________________________________________
Have you found yourself in relationships where you feel empathy for your partner but your partner lacks empathy for you? Were you born with the ability to feel others' feelings? I was, and one of the issues that I had to face was that not everyone is empathic.