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Browse published articles attributed to Margaret Paul, with full-archive search.
What do you usually do when you get stuck with someone and can't communicate? Do you:
Marty tells me in a phone session,"Susan is always criticizing me. How do I get her to stop?" Fiona tells me in a phone session,"Jeff is often withdrawn. I feel so angry about this." It's always easy to see what your partner is doing that you don't like, but it's generally very challenging to see your end of a dysfunctional relationship system. However, your end of the system is equal to your partner's end, as we attract people at our common level of woundedness or our common level of health. What does this mean?
As a relationship counselor, I am constantly being asked why so many relationships fail. In the 37 years that I have worked with couples, I have discovered five major relationship killers: CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR Most people enter a relationship with a deep fear of rejection, and this fear ...
"Love has nothing to do with fai ess. Love is Love." --Susan Page, Why Talking is Not Enough "It's not fair!" How often have you heard this from young or adolescent siblings? I grew up as an only child, so I was never indoctrinated with the concept of fai ess. Not growing up with it, I ...
"What's the matter with you?" "How could you do that?" "Explain yourself, young lady/young man." "Why are you dressed like that?" "Why are you late again?" "What did you do to your hair!"
Research into good marriages indicates that the most important choice healthy couples make is to have good will toward each other. This may seems like a simple requirement, yet many couples have anything but good will toward each other. Instead, they make it far more important to: Attempt to ...
Have you ever had an argument with someone - a partner, spouse, close friend, child, parent or other relative, or a business associate - that started small and spiraled into an intense conflict? Have you ever scratched your head, wondering how it got so out of control? Let's take a look at what ...
I recently received the following request: "Hi Dr. Paul -- I would be interested in an article that talks about having needs vs. being needy. I was brought up to be ashamed of my needs. I was supposed to be self-sufficient. As a result, I am ashamed of neediness and often don't recognize my own needs. I also don't know how to tell if others are "being needy" or simply expressing a need.
We are inherently social beings, and feeling emotionally connected with another is one of the great joys in life. Yet, all too often, we feel lonely around another or others, wanting to connect and not knowing how. We may have learned numerous dysfunctional or unsatisfying ways of connecting, and wonder why we still feel lonely around someone when we are trying so hard to connect. Emotional connection is an experience of the heart, not of the head. While you may feel a certain kind of connection when you are in your head, this form of connection may leave you feeling unsatisfied.
What do you believe about failure? The ego wounded part of ourselves, the left-brain part of ourselves that has been programmed with many false beliefs, often believes that: "If I fail, I am a failure." "If I fail, I am stupid." "If I fail, no one will like me or value me." "If I fail, then ...
Christmas is almost here and you get to decide who you want to be. I don't mean if you want to be Santa Claus. I mean what kind of person do you want to be? Do you want to be a person who chooses your actions according to your fears of rejection, of getting hurt, of ridicule, or of being taken advantage of? Or do you want to be a person who chooses your actions from your deep desire to be a kind, loving, caring person?
In my counseling work, I often work with clients who have a deep fear of commitment. These individuals generally say that they want to be in a loving relationship, yet they keep picking “the wrong people.” Susan, 38, sought my help because she was in two relationships at the same ...
Katie had not been in a relationship in ten years, and she was scared to death. In her last relationship, she had lost herself completely and then felt devastated when her boyfriend of three years left her for another woman. After working on herself emotionally and spiritually for a number of ...
In the last few decades, partners have spent countless hours trying to “work out problems.” Yet over and over again they often come up against a major roadblock: they just don’t see things the same way. No matter how long they talk and how hard they try, neither ends up feeling ...
________________________________________ Betrayal is one of the hardest things to go through, and it is vitally important that you deal with it in a way that doesn’t cause you even more pain. ________________________________________ It is devastating when someone whom we believe cares about us betrays us – lies, cheats, breaks a sacred promise, hurts us behind our back, steals from us, turns others against us and so on. The Steps to Healing From Betrayal 1. Releasing the feelings rather than staying stuck with them
I often hear from my clients that they feel overwhelmed. Generally, feeling overwhelmed means one of three things: - Overwhelmed by their feelings - Overwhelmed by time pressures - Overwhelmed by how to do things 'right' The feeling of overwhelm is generally caused by how we are treating ourselves and what we are telling ourselves. Peter In my Skype session with Peter, he told me at the beginning of the session that he felt overwhelmed.
Many years ago, I became aware of feeling anxious much of the time. Since this feeling had been with me as long as I could remember, it had seemed normal - until it stopped being okay with me. It stopped being okay when I went back to school to become a psychotherapist. I realized then that, normal or not, I didn't want to continue to live my life with this anxiety.
One of the most common complaints I receive in my relationship counseling work is "We hardly ever have sex." Since you might be addicted to the anger and complaining around this issue, I want to make sure you do ALL the right things so you get to continue being angry and complaining about ...
A member of our website asked this question in our advice section:I've read several of the articles on the site, but have not seen anything mentioned about "chasing"after someone who is pulling away in a relationship. That has to be a form of protection against deeper feelings, though, right? If someone is pulling away and the urge to chase after them comes up, what is the best thing to do in this situation? Thanks!
________________________________________ Joy is our birthright - a gift of Spirit. Discover the choices you can make to lead a joyful life. ________________________________________ 1. Self-Compassion Rather Than Self-Judgment
"Sooner or later, all of us must see that negative feelings toward another person is like tossing dust at him while the wind blows against us. It all comes back." --Vernon Howard, Psycho-Pictography Negative emotions, such as anger, blame, resentment, misery, jealousy, hurt, guilt, shame, and ...
I recently attended a conference and one of the speakers was David Stanley, who lived with Elvis Presley as his stepbrother since David was four years old. His book, about his experiences with Elvis, called "Conversations With the King," just got published. The book is co-authored by my good friend, Dr. David Gruder. In the book, and in David Stanley's presentation at the conference, we learn that Elvis constantly asked David, "Who am I?" He asked him this for the last time, just two days before he died.
Imagine two big spotlights. One is pointed upward, casting light far into the air. The other is pointed downward and buried into the earth - no light is cast at all. This is like intent. There are only two possible intentions in any given moment: the intent to learn about loving yourself and ...
Have you recently ended a relationship or are you recently divorced? Are you thinking about dating again? Many times, putting yourself back into the dating scene is a good idea. But how can you know when it is time to start a new relationship? Here are some questions to ponder: 1. Are you ...
Failure! What do you feel when you think about failure? Inadequate? Unworthy? Unlovable? It is so sad that you might have learned to link failure to your value as a person. Most people who are successful in their work and their relationships have experienced many failures along their road to ...
Bobbie and Mac sought me out for couples counseling because they were on the verge of divorce - after 25 years of marriage. Both had years of counseling, yet they could not find their way through their relationship problems. Bobbie described her experience of their relationship: "I love Mac ...
Research indicates that, unless there is violence in the home, children are better off being raised by an intact family. Whenever clients who have children call to work with me on their marriage, I always encourage them to do all they can to save their marriage. Leah is a good example of a ...
All of us have some characteristics and behaviors that fall into the category of narcissism. Narcissism is on a continuum from mild, occasional, and subtle to the more ubiquitous, obvious or extreme behaviors of a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Since narcissism is likely a part of everyone's ego wounded self, it is helpful to your personal growth and development to be aware of your own level of narcissism. Be honest with yourself - but not judgmental - regarding the presence and intensity of the following characteristics:
Is it loving or unloving to be controlling? It all depends on your intent, on which part of you is trying to control, and what you are trying to control. When Controlling is Unloving
As social beings, our desire for connection is a deep and powerful force within us. Babies who do not experience connection with a caregiver do not thrive or may even die. Deep connection with another is one of the greatest joys in life. Yet for many people, this deep and joyous connection ...
"I'm so sick and tired of Andrea's anger and bossiness that I'm about ready to leave this relationship," said Paul in our phone counseling session. "Everything has to be her way. Why can't she just keep her mouth shut? She is ruining this relationship. I hate her judgmentalness. Every time she ...
We all love to feel full inside, which is one of the reasons why eating too much is such a challenge for a lot of people. Yet, as soon as the food digests, many people go back to feeling empty, searching around for more food or something else to fill them up again. Feeling empty feels so awful ...
In my work with individuals and couples for the last 43 years, I've had two very different experiences regarding people who have divorced: - One group of people are happy that they finally left a marriage where they were very unhappy. They feel that they have their life back, and sometimes even their health back. They feel relief and freedom and are proud of themselves that they finally got themselves out of a bad situation.
"Perception is a mirror not a fact. And what I look on is my state of mind, reflected outward." - - A Course in Miracles I remember many years ago seeing the movie "Rashomon" (starring Toshiro Mifune and directed my Akira Kurosawa) where three people saw a murder committed and each saw it completely differently. Of course, each believed that what they saw was the truth. It is hard for many people to understand that perception is a mirror of what is going on for them on the inner level, rather than what is actually going on.
"Sandra wants to end our marriage," Ted told me in our phone session. "She says that I am not meeting her needs." I often hear this in my counseling practice. How did we get the idea that marriage is about the other person meeting our needs, or about our meeting the other person's needs? How ...
We have all learned many ways of trying to avoid or get rid of our painful feelings. Many of these ways are fairly obvious: addictions to substances and activities, staying in your mind rather than in your body, or judging yourself.
________________________________________ Do you know the difference between real love and infatuation? They are light years apart. ________________________________________ In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love, you want the other person.~Margaret Andersonr Real love is never ownership, only stewardship of this moment's experiences. ~Karen Casey
A recent study indicates that crying does not make people feel better. But there is a problem with this study. (Crying shame: Tears don't make you feel any better, study shows, By Cari Nierenberg, http://bodyodd.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/07/29/7190543-crying-shame-tears-dont-make-you-feel-any-better-study-shows#.TjR9l8uTx0A.email) The study indicates that:
________________________________________ Dating is challenging for many. Here are some tips to turn it into a learning adventure. ________________________________________
"We lift ourselves by our thought. If you want to enlarge your life, you must first enlarge your thought of it and of yourself. Hold the ideal of yourself as you long to be, always everywhere."n--Orison Sweet Marden, 1850-1924, Author and Founder of Success Magazine How do you see yourself in ...
Do love and marriage really go together like a horse and carriage? For some they do but for many they don't. Why not? Why does love seem to die away in so many marriages? At the beginning of most relationships that eventually lead to marriage, the couple falls in love and believes that this ...
Have you ever noticed the difference in people who are able to easily let go of resentment and forgive, and those who stay in anger and blame? What I have noticed is that those who continue to stay in blame and resentment are often people who see themselves as victims of other people's choices. ...
Emotional intimacy is one of the most wonderful experiences we ever have. Nothing else really comes close to the experience of sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings with another, of being deeply seen and known, of sharing love, passion, laughter, joy, and/or creativity. The experience of ...
One of the sad truths in our society is how empty many people feel, and the devastation their emptiness causes others through their resulting addictive behavior. We have all heard about the sexual acting-out of Anthony Weiner, A old Schwarzenegger, Tiger Woods, Bill Clinton and John Edwards. We all know about the many famous people who end up in treatment centers for alcohol and drug addiction.
________________________________________ Are you contemplating leaving your partner because you have fallen out of love? Read this first! ________________________________________ We have only to look at the divorce rate—41% for first marriages, 60% for second marriages, and a whopping 73% for third marriages (http://www.divorcerate.org/)—to know that people often fall out of love with their spouse. Why do so many people fall out of love?
I have learned over my 43 years of counseling that no one heals without a personal connection to a spiritual source of Guidance. William was struggling with issues of shame and depression. He had struggled with feelings of insecurity and jealousy most of his life, despite years of inner work. While he intellectually knew that he was okay, emotionally he never felt it. This was his first phone session with me. "William," I asked, "what is your concept of God or a Higher Power?"
Experiencing emotional intimacy with others is one of the most satisfying experiences of life. Emotional intimacy, or a sense of deep connection with another person or a group of people, occurs when each person is completely open hearted and devoted to taking 100% responsibility for their own ...
No one SAYS they want a terrible relationship, yet so many people go about creating them that we need to assume they must WANT them! So, here's my 7 Step foolproof guide to creating a terrible relationship. 1. TAKE NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN FEELINGS Make sure that you do not take ...
Most parents want to be good parents. Yet parenting is one of those things that does not have hard and fast rules. So how do we know what to do? How do we know what will support our children in being all they can be? One of the most important things for parents to do is to learn to trust their ...
"Intimacy begins with oneself. It does no good to try to find intimacy with friends, lovers, and family if you are starting out from alienation and division within yourself." - Thomas Moore, author, Care of the Soul Most of us would love to have intimacy and connection in our lives, yet we often find this elusive. Why? Thomas Moore puts it in a nutshell. Until we are intimate and connected with ourselves, we cannot experience the greatest joy in life - intimacy and connection with others.