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Browse published articles attributed to Margaret Paul, with full-archive search.
"...telling children they're smart...made them feel dumber and act dumber."n--Mindset, by Carol S. Dweck, Ph.D., p.74 In her extraordinary book, Mindset, Dr. Carol S. Dweck presents research that, hopefully, will change the course of parenting and education. In one of her research studies, ...
I have been counseling couples for 35 years. Quite often individuals come in for help wondering if it is really possible to save or improve their relationship. Perhaps their partner is totally uninterested in working on the relationship. Perhaps their partner is an alcoholic or drug addict. What ...
"It's time for me to move on. I've learned so much - I just know that next time it will be better." "Our new relationship has a great chance, because we've both been married before and have learned a lot. We know that this time around we will do it so much better." Is this true? Apparently not! According to research by Jennifer Baker, of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, Missouri, while 50% of first marriages end in divorce, 67% of second marriages and 74% of third marriages end in divorce.
The Encarta World English Dictionary defines "enmesh" as "to entangle somebody or something in something from which it is difficult to be extricated or separated." Are you entangled with your children in a way that is limiting both you and your children? Parents may enmesh with children when ...
"We never seem to be able to solve any problems," Kaylee told me in a phone session. "Every time we sit down to solve a problem, we end up fighting. It doesn't really matter what it is about - it always ends up the same. Is this normal? Aren't couples supposed to be able to solve ...
How are your children doing? If they are doing well, then I'm sure you feel good about your parenting. If they are not doing well, what are you telling yourself about your parenting? "I should have been there for them more." "I should have been harder/easier on them." "I should have been a ...
Rebecca was struggling with 3 year old Kevin's screaming. Whenever someone didn't do what he wanted, he screamed and screamed, hoping to get his way. Rebecca had tried many different things to get Kevin to stop screaming, such as time outs, telling him to use his words, walking away and ignoring ...
Lily and Don, both in their 40s, decided to get married after dating each other for a year. Lily’s children were in college, while Don still had children coming to his house every other weekend. They discovered early in their marriage that it was one thing to date and quite another to ...
Do you believe that it is your job as a parent to have control over your children? Do you find yourself trying to control your children in the ways your parents tried to control you, or in the ways you learned from siblings, friends or relatives? Do you hope that through yelling, threatening, ...
In my counseling practice, I often have clients who tend to isolate as a way of protecting against their fears - especially their fears of rejection and engulfment. They are so afraid of being disliked, disapproved of, attacked or having demands made on them, that they choose to avoid relationships, rather than learn how to deal with these challenging situations. These people have never developed a loving Adult self, who knows how to take loving care of them when others are angry, rejecting or demanding. They believe they prefer loneliness over the challenge of relationships.
Are you thinking of getting a divorce because: • Your spouse is physically abusive with you or with your children? • Your spouse is an alcoholic or drug addict and has no intention of dealing with the addiction? • Your spouse has a gambling addiction and is causing financial ...
Nedra, one of my clients, was quite upset when she received an email from her friend, Roxanne, ending their friendship. The email was quite blaming, telling Nedra that she was narcissistic, selfish, and uncaring. Roxanne complained that Nedra just talked about herself and was never there for ...
Aidan decided to consult with me because he wanted to get married and have a family. A handsome man in his mid-30s, it was certainly not obvious at first glance why he could not find a partner. However, it didn't take me long to understand why relationships were not working for Aidan. Being ...
Over the 40 years that I have been counseling individual and couples, I have very often worked with people who are considering leaving their marriage. Often they say things like:nn* I no longer feel close or intimate with my spouse. I love him/her, but I'm no longer in love with him/her.nn* The ...
Linda sat opposite me at one of my five-day Inner Bonding Intensives. She had decided to attend the Intensive because her depression, which had plagued her for years, was not being helped by medication or by the numerous forms of therapy that she had tried. As she sat opposite me, telling me ...
How much of your behavior is in reaction to your partner? What do you do when your partner:nn* gets angry or irritated with you? * withdraws from you? * is blaming or criticizing you? * misunderstands you or is not seeing you accurately? * is always busy? * is complaining, needy, or pouty? * ...
Are you stuck in your life? Do you receive some satisfaction from staying stuck and from no one being able to help you get unstuck? If you are invested in staying stuck, why not do it consciously and deliberately? Here is your guide to never getting unstuck. 1. Make Resistance Your Guiding ...
"I know that my boyfriend loves me, but he has a lot of women friends. I don't get why he has to have so many women friends. I get scared and jealous when he spends time with another woman. I know I should trust him, but I don't, and I don't know what to do about this." "My wife is a very ...
How much of your behavior is in reaction to your partner? What do you do when your partner:nn* gets angry or irritated with you? * withdraws from you? * is blaming or criticizing you? * misunderstands you or is not seeing you accurately? * is always busy? * is complaining, needy, or pouty? * ...
Are you finding yourself irritated with your spouse lately? Are you having problems remembering why you love this person - or why you even got married in the first place? You are not alone! Ramona consulted with me because this is exactly what was happening in her marriage. "When Randy and I ...
Have you ever hear yourself say, or said to yourself, "No one appreciates me." I used to say this to myself all the time. I was constantly giving myself up to please others, and then ended up feeling completely unappreciated and resentful - until I learned how to take loving care of myself and appreciate myself. I encountered this recently with Jayden, a young man who consulted with me after his girlfriend left him and he got fired from his job as a construction worker. An alcoholic who had stopped drinking last year, he was back to drinking.
________________________________________ Breaking down keeps you stuck, while breaking open allows you to discover the power within yourself. ________________________________________ "Something I didn't want to happen, happens. I feel the resistance build within. I feel the pressure to control what is obviously out of my control. I become aware of what I'm doing—I become aware of the choice either to break down or to break open." Elizabeth Lesser, Broken Open, p. 256
When you were growing up, did you ever wish that your parents were happy? Did you feel safe when they were happy and peaceful? My mother was rarely a happy person. Most of the time she was anxious, angry and felt overburdened, even though I was her only child. She rarely laughed and was often ...
In my counseling practice, I often hear the question, “How do I end a relationship without hurting someone’s feelings?” Whether it’s a romantic relationship or a friendship, ending it gracefully is generally a challenge. The problem arises because so many people see it ...
It is time for less talk and more action - loving action. Loving actions are those actions that support our highest good and the highest good of others. Loving actions are those actions that are motivated by love rather than by fear. Many people who have been on a path of personal and ...
Gretchen is typical of many of the clients that I work with. In our first session she said: I've been depressed on and off throughout my life. Medication helped for a while, but now all it does is make me feel more flat and empty. Life seems to have no meaning for me. Nothing looks beautiful. Nothing is compelling to me. I can't think of anything I really want to do. I've tried many forms of therapy but nothing has worked to heal my depression. I don't know why I'm here on this planet. What is it all about?
Many people have the ability to truly care and receive joy when caring from the heart. Yet even very caring people sometimes find themselves using caring as a form of control. Take a moment right now to think about a situation today in which you were caring - at home, at work, with a friend, ...
Is your experience of love that it is scarce and limited? "Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Love never decreases by being shared. ~Chinese Proverb
"Sam whines and complains to me a lot, and then expects me to be turned on to him and make love with him. When I don’t want to, he gets angry," said Jackie in our first telephone counseling session. "I have become more and more shut down. I don't want our marriage to end, but if we keep going ...
There was an interesting article in The Atlantic, entitled "How to Land Your Kid in Therapy: Why the obsession with our kids' happiness may be dooming them to unhappy adulthoods. A therapist and mother reports." http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2011/07/how-to-land-your-kid-in-therapy/8555/ The article is about the way many parents focus much of their energy on being there for their children, but their children end up feeling lost and empty.
We are born with the need to touch and be touched, skin-to-skin. If you were not held and touched with love as you were growing up, then this might be a very deep need for you. But even if you were held and touched with love, you still need it today. It is a basic need. But not all touch meets that need. There are two kinds of touch: - The kind of touch that has the energy of love - The kind of touch that has the energy of neediness The Needy Touch
Couples that have a very good relationship are not just lucky. Successful, loving relationships do not just happen. The couples that have loving relationships are taking specific actions that people in unsuccessful relationships are not taking. ACTION 1 - KINDNESS TO SELF AND OTHER Think for a ...
"My husband and I have a great working relationship. He's great to the kids, he's nice to me, he works hard on the house but he isn't very interested in getting to know me for who I really am. Any exploration around personal growth is threatening to him. Sometimes I feel so depressed to think ...
The following email was sent to me by Karen, a member of our website: “For no obvious reason this morning, I was feeling anxious and depressed. I looked at it and realized that the false belief creating all this was that I have to be perfect in order for me to allow myself to feel happiness. ...
"Science has finally confirmed what anyone who's ever been in love already knows: Heartbreak really does hurt." www.cnn.com/2011/HEALTH/03/28/burn.heartbreak.same.to.brain/index.html"In a new study using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), researchers have found that the same brain networks that are activated when you're burned by hot coffee also light up when you think about a love who has spu ed you.
We all know that most parents REALLY want to be good parents. But since it is rare for parents to take parenting classes before becoming parents, we inadvertently do lots of things to mess up our kids. This tongue-in-cheek article may help you to see what you are doing! 1. IGNORE THE ...
"...no one ever pushes you toward freedom. You need to take that for yourself."n--Joan Erickson, wife of psychologist Erik Erickson, quoted in Joan Anderson's book, A Walk on the Beach. Do you believe that someone has to give you your freedom? Do you believe that you can be free only when you ...
Jennifer consulted with me regarding her 18-year marriage. "I just don't know what to do. I believe in marriage, and I have tried to believe in my marriage. But Jake's drinking has been getting worse and worse for most of our marriage, and so are his rages. Occasionally he has hit me, and last ...
________________________________________ Are you putting 'pink slime' in your body without knowing it? ________________________________________ ABC news did a story about ‘pink slime’—an additive that is in 70% of the meat in super markets. See: http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/headlines/2012/03/where-you-can-get-pink-slime-free-beef/#.T1uHlFpnjUo.emailrnr
Kari and Rudy consulted with me because they kept having conflicts over the same issues over and over - primarily money, chores, and child-rearing. They were nearing the decision to separate, believing that they were incompatible. I asked them to pick one of the issues and they picked a recent conflict regarding setting limits for their children. I asked them to discuss the issue and I immediately understood why they could not resolve their issues. I explained to them that there are always two levels of communication:
________________________________________ Have you ever felt the Grace of oneness with God? There are many things you can do to have this at will. ________________________________________ "Praying without ceasing is not ritualized, nor are there even words. It is a constant state of awareness of oneness with God." ~Peace Pilgrim “…awareness of oneness with God.” What does this mean?
Do you know how to disce when someone is being transparent and authentic and when they are being duplicitous? We seem to be living in a time when authenticity and transparency are not highly valued. We have only to look at government and many government agencies such as the FDA, politics, the military, big corporations, some religious leaders, drug companies, insurance companies and the media to see that manipulation and lies are the norm. Many of us have naturally come to mistrust much of what is being said in the media.
My counseling clients often complain to me about interactions they had with a partner, friend, parents or co-worker. When I asked the question, "Why didn't you speak up for yourself?" here are the most common answers I receive: "I want to keep the peace." "I don't want to rock the boat." "I didn't know what to say." "It won't change anything." "He/she won't listen." "We will just end up fighting." "He/she will make it my fault."
How long should your child breast-feed? Should your child go to pre-school? Should your child sleep with you or by him or herself? What about home-schooling vs. attending school? Most people who choose to have children want to be good parents, and they have many questions about what would be ...
"A woman who I was dating and who I really liked ended our relationship and is dating someone else. I see her all the time at the market and I feel like yelling at her." "I keep vowing not to, but I keep getting really angry at my husband when he is distant." "I lost my temper with my ...
We need to resolve the violence in our society. I'm offering a few ideas regarding the issues we need to research and address. Why? Why are these horrible killings happening? I don't pretend to know the answers, but I do have some ideas that I want to share with you. I believe there are many issues that we need to attend to as a society.
________________________________________ Are you aware of what state you are in when you and your partner come together? ________________________________________ On a recent visit with my daughter and her family, she and I were taking a walk and talking about our mutual work.
Understanding healthy eating has become a huge challenge in our society. Our ancestors living thousands of years ago did not have this challenge. They ate what grew and what they could catch. Before the advent of agriculture, people ate what was naturally supplied. While I have been studying ...
"Security is mostly superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable." ~ Helen Keller
Many people on a personal and spiritual growth path have read about the law of attraction. Simply stated, this law says that like attracts like, which means, in a general sense, that happiness draws happiness and misery draws misery. The law states that whatever we think about, with strong ...