Browse published articles attributed to nancy travers, with full-archive search.
Addressing the needs of the gay and lesbian communities starts with a healthy perspective In certain sectors of our society, being gay or lesbian is seen as unnatural, a disorder, or an aberration—to be diagnosed, accepted as wrong, and cured. Unfortunately, even a small minority of mental health professionals become involved from this perspective. My practice is not one of those places.
I have a friend who protested she didn’t like the “small talk” required in early dating, and wanted to go straight to a relationship. You can go online, research your prospective date and learn everything you need to know about him, right? Wrong. This is one process that you can’t cut short. Period. It takes time to get to know someone, and while texting, ‘friending’ and ‘liking’ online may give you insight, there is no substitute for face-to-face. Be Authentic
If you have never suffered from excessive anxiety, then it may be difficult to empathize with someone who has. Anxious people may seem to be worried about nothing of substance, so it’s tempting to disregard the problem. But the fact is, anxiety—including post-traumatic stress disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder and panic disorder—is one of the most common disorders. About 40 millio American adults are affected per year. How do you deal with someone who seems anxious all the time?
We don’t want to lie. We love our partner. We understand a good relationship is built on trust, and that trust depends on our honesty. But sometimes we lie anyway. Why do we do it? For one thing, we’re not perfect. Our partners expect certain behavior from us (and we from them) and when we fail—because nobody’s perfect—we lie about it. What are our choices? We can tell our partners that we didn’t live up to their expectations, and that would disappoint them. Make them feel bad, and we’d feel bad too. We don’t want to do that so we make something up that’s a more acceptable story. We lie.r
Most of us are so busy that the thought of sitting still for 20 minutes or even 5 minutes a day is beyond us. We know meditation is probably good for us, but rewards seem fuzzy and methodology even fuzzier. What, exactly, is meditation? And do you have to be religious? Meditation is often associated with Buddhism, which makes it seem even more cloaked in mystery for those of us who aren’t Buddhist. And just how do you go about it?
When you are a close relative, partner or friend of a person who suffers from Narcissist Personality Disorder (NPD), you suffer too. People with NPD have an escalated sense of their superiority and importance in the world and a constant need for attention and admiration. They often have little regard for others’ feelings and may even exploit others to achieve their own goals. These traits can be detrimental to those who are close to the NPD sufferer. Causes of NPD
Alcohol abuse and alcoholism are so pervasive that about a third of Americans have someone close to them who has the problem. This means legions of people have relationships that are stressful at best, and damaging at worst. If your spouse is an alcoholic then alcoholism is bound to affect you as well. The Problem for Partners of Alcoholics
Three Reasons Their Divorce Rate May Be Lower Than Their Parents
Last week I talked about how you can unwittingly sabotage your own good intentions by negative motivation, blaming others and by getting discouraged too easily. Without even knowing it, you can contribute to your own struggles and thwart your goals. Here are a few more things to watch out for:
The world has changed so fast that it’s hard to know how to behave these days. Old rules don’t apply and new ones haven’t been created yet. Suffice it to say consideration for the other guy is the key to good manners, and we don’t need Emily Post to tell us that. But when it comes to social media, it’s easy to push some pet peeve buttons even if you are generally a thoughtful person. Here are some things to consider:
Admit it. It’s easier to slog along in life without great spikes of joy or great valleys of sorrow. It’s easier to follow the path of least resistance. But are you merely existing? Do you feel you could do more with your life? If so, it’s time to jolt out of your comfort zone. Here are a few quotes that will help you do it. “We must do that which we think we cannot.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
Fashion goes in cycles. Palazzo pants, then skinny legs. Mini skirts, then below-the-knee. The economy goes in cycles, too—boom, bust and boom again. So why not relationships?
Last week I wrote about dating from a women’s perspective. But what about men? It takes two to tango, and men find dating these days just as daunting as women do. Maybe more. Here are some tips: Be Self-Aware
People are unhappy for all sorts of reasons, some of them easier to remedy than others. You may not even realize you’re unhappy, yet if you think about it, you are not living up to your happiness capacity. If you are in a rut of negative thinking that makes you unhappy, stop to think about what you can do to change the habits of your mind. For example:
Fortifying or rebuilding your foundation starts with assessing how solid or shaky it is
We all know a good night’s sleep is important. We feel better, more productive when we’ve had enough. But when our body is sleep deprived, it weakens our immune system, making us more vulnerable to infection. So why is a good night’s sleep so elusive? There are a number of fairly straightforward measures you can take to bring you peaceful slumber: Shhh! Make sure your bedroom is dark and quiet. Not even electronic humming from appliances if you can help it. Don’t let low light sources, like a clock, glow in your dark. This is your sanctuary. Make it as peaceful as possible.
Are you are living in a lackluster state? What can you do to shake the dust off and let the sunshine in? Sometimes all you need to do to attain happiness is look at life a little differently and re-adjust the way you think. Here are some suggestions for thinking the way happy people think:
Most Americans think adultery is wrong. Almost 90 percent of men and 94 percent of women think it’s always wrong or almost always wrong. But many of those people have extra-marital affairs anyway. One of the most reliable sources for statistics is the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago whose 1992 study found that a quarter of married men and one-sixth of married women in the United States have had at least one extra-marital affair. Many experts now estimate a higher percentage. Why do so many people do it? Especially when they think it’s wrong?
About one in four Americans is affected by a mental disorder in a given year, according to the National Institute of Mental Health. How many of those seek help from a mental health professional? Not nearly enough. So quite a few people suffer who might not have to if they sought help. But how do you know when it makes sense to check your fear and misgivings at the door and open up to a professional? Everyone has grief and stress and conflict in their lives. Often with very good reason. A certain amount is entirely normal. So how do you know when it makes sense to seek therapy?
Effective couples therapy depends on a number of factors. Both partners must be willing to make a change. If one has already decided to give up and cannot reengage, then success is probably not possible. The key is to get to a therapist before your relationship has eroded too far. If one or both of you are just going through the motions to prove you’ve left no stone untu ed before you split, you can’t expect good results.
The habits you develop can have a powerful impact on your relationship with your partner. But all habits take a bit of work to incorporate into your life. Luckily you have great motivation: A happy relationship. Visualize yourself and your partner living together harmoniously. Take baby steps to improve your behavior, and if at first you don’t succeed, try again and again until you have changed for the better. Here are some habits to cultivate for a sustainable, happy relationship:
Last week I talked about how Emotional Manipulators (EM’s) make you doubt yourself, make you feel confused, and even a little crazy yourself. The result is you depend a little more on the EM and that is the whole point. Emotional Manipulators use all sorts of tactics to control you. To dominate you. So they can be and do whatever they want. The trouble is, when they succeed, they diminish you to the point where you are no longer the strong, vibrant person you once were. It’s an insidious process that can leave you devastated.
Sometimes it’s useful to look back at the generation before us and learn from them. When it comes to being a lady, our grandmothers knew what to do. It’s not about being pompous sticklers for using the fork with the proper amount of tines. It’s about being considerate and behaving in such as way as to put others around us at ease. Here are six tips:
You’re feeling vague resentment, but you’re not sure why. Your friend seems to ask more of you, expect more of you, than you’re willing to give. You’re feeling guilty for not capitulating to your friend’s request. You find yourself wondering why you’re doing something when you really don’t want to. If so, maybe you’re being manipulated.
A friend always takes herself out to lunch on her birthday. By herself. She’s been doing this since she was a young girl. It’s a good time to contemplate what you want for yourself in the year ahead. But a good life is not always about what you acquire. It can also be about what you shed. You might want to think about what you don’t want—what you want to let go of so you can live a happier life. Here are some ideas:
Sticks and stones may break my bones, But names can never hurt me. This childhood ditty may be one reason some people are slow to understand that verbal or emotional abuse is as detrimental as it truly is. After all, words are not as bad as physical blows, are they? But consider this: Physical violence against you eventually heals, but insidious emotional abuse, often out of the sight of anyone else who can validate your feelings, can last a long time. If you: - are in emotional pain and a depression that seems to have settled permanently;
It’s easy to see when your friend needs to dial it down at a party. When your cousin’s behavior is a little off. When things are off balance for someone else. But it’s not so easy to see about yourself. Sometimes you seek therapy precisely because you are not clear about where you are trying to go and what you are trying to do. That’s why it’s especially hard to know if your therapy is working. It’s difficult to be objective about yourself and the progress you’re making. But therapy is an expensive investment that you should take seriously.
Sometimes the people who need therapy the most are the very people who find it hardest to seek help. They’re afraid they’re wasting the therapist’s time. They’re afraid they’re wasting their own or their loved one’s money. They’re afraid of exposing their deepest selves—and of trying and failing. No one likes change, even if it’s possible it will be a good change. Investing your time, money and emotional energy takes a leap of faith. And courage. So how do you muster the courage to seek the therapy you need? Take Baby Steps.
Every relationship suffers from moments of disappointment. He brushes you off when you’re opening your heart to him. She is always late and makes you wait for her. And these are just the small things—not nearly as painful as infidelity, for example. But the small things add up and pretty soon resentment enters into your relationship.
You’ve seen all the signs. All the sudden he’s working out when you could barely get him to walk to the end of the driveway to pick up the newspaper. He seems emotionally and sexually withdrawn when he used to want sex all the time. He’s constantly on his computer or cell phone and he’s guarding his privacy on both. He’s angry about things that never used to bother him. And the classic: he’s working late a lot.
A gentleman is a chivalrous, courteous, honorable man, according to the dictionary. You may think gentlemen are people from the past, but thoughtfulness never goes out of style. Basically, a gentleman is considerate of others, and that’s something to which anyone of any age should aspire. Here are the top six essentials of a gentleman:
At first you just want to help the one you love. He had a little bit too much to drink and you called in sick for him. She gambled away her funds and you transferred some money into her account. Or you covered for him when he embarrassed you with his dysfunctional behavior because he refused to seek therapy. These are just a few examples of situations in which you begin by trying to help someone you care about, but you end up between a rock and a hard place.
Why is it so hard for some men to utter those healing words, “I’m sorry”? And why is it so important to a woman to hear them? It seems men and women look at apologies from different perspectives. Some women, when they apologize, feel really good that they’ve made a positive effort to mend the relationship. Especially if they’re afraid they’ve hurt someone’s feelings. They say they’re sorry to repair the damage. When they do, they have a sense of satisfaction that they’ve made the effort to make the relationship right again.
Are you living in a situation that is unreal to you? Did you think you would have a good life with your partner, but instead, you suffer emotional pain? Does your relationship, which looked so attractive at first, turn out to make you miserable? Even while other people might look on your lifestyle with envy?
Today’s society offers no shortage of sexual and erotic material that is easily accessible to interested consumers. More than ever, we are inundated with images, written words, and discussions of what sex is and what sex could be. Sexual fantasies exist in the minds of all of us, but finding avenues to transform fantasy into reality can represent a delicate and precarious journey for those fixated on perfection.
“SEXTing” is a term that gets thrown around a lot these days. With technology so readily available, it was only a matter of time until our sexuality made its way to our cell phones. SEXTing refers to anyone sending sexually explicit messages or racy photos to partners, peers, or the public; this trend originally referred to use of cell phone cameras and messaging, but now encompasses email and social media transmissions.
There are different kinds of intelligence. You and your partner may have been good at schoolwork; you may even have an advanced degree or two. That doesn’t mean your intelligence extends to relationships—emotional intelligence. Often being smart in relationships depends on the home you grew up in and how your parents handled their relationship. It’s not always a blueprint for success in your relationship.
You’d think it would go without saying that happy couples like each other. You have to like someone before you can love them. And happy couples love each other. They share a good laugh frequently and often. They pay attention to one another. They communicate.
The other day a friend tripped over her own feet, and I overheard her say to herself, “You are such a klutz.” A harmless putdown, perhaps, but with enough negative talking to yourself, you could create an unhealthy environment that works against you. This is an example of stinkin’ thinkin’—irrational thoughts that, in the aggregate, aren’t good for you. And the truth is, my friend usually navigates quite well, and is sometimes even graceful. So one incident does not mean she’s a klutz. Her comment to herself was indeed irrational.
What is the greatest gift you can give your partner? What is the greatest gift that costs you nothing but time and effort? That’s the gift of understanding who she is. The gift of believing in her. Think about it. When your partner knows you “get” her, you are validating her existence to the core of her being. You are giving her the sure knowledge that she is understood and loved regardless. It’s a powerful feeling. And how can you bestow such a gift? By becoming a great listener. It is the key to understanding your partner and fully developing an intimate relationship.
A happy relationship takes a little thought. I hesitate to quote the cliché that you have to work at your relationship—it sounds so onerous. And it’s really not work to make an effort—it’s an investment of time and energy to make your relationship as great as it can be. Here are a few resolutions you might want to try:
When things are tough, it can be hard to admit you need help. That's when you need safe, reliable Orange County relationship counseling that can heal issues and problems in a calm, productive environment.
If you hate conflict, you could spend a long time stewing in your anger before you express it to the person who caused it. By then, your anger may have built to levels beyond reason. Or maybe you zipped off an e-mail, comforted by the fact that technology helped you avoid a face-to-face confrontation. But sometimes your relationships need that personal conversation to clear things up and move on to more enjoyable interaction. The trick is to do it without becoming so angry that you lash out and hurt the person you love.
We’ve all heard our friends talk about chemistry and connections. Rock stars sing about the “chemicals between us” and movies depict racing hearts, sweaty palms, and love at first sight. Have you wondered where all of these scientific, chemical, and physiological terms and ideas manifest in relation to love and attraction? It might surprise you to know just how much of your relationship is invested in hormones. Why do we even have “Chemistry” with other people?
When we enter relationships, we do so with the knowledge that we will be providing the person with emotional commodities and that they will be doing the same for us. Every relationship is filled with needs. Each individual will have different needs, and each relationship will provide different solutions for meeting them.
A friend’s husband told her early in their relationship that there was no need to fight. He said, “Everyone tells you to learn to fight fair. But I say, we don’t fight at all.” Always a coward in the face of conflict, she thought that was great. And they don’t fight, meaning they don’t throw things, dredge up old hurts from the past, or raise their voices to ear-splitting decibels. But they do fight, meaning they disagree. It would be tough to exist as an individual entity without feeling differently from your spouse every once and awhile.
When you think about finding a partner, you probably have the perfect prospect in mind. When imagining the perfect mate, most people immediately think of physical characteristics. Many people supplement this idea immediately be adding personality traits such as humor, intelligence and charm. If you are choosing partners based on these aspects, there are many theoretical partners. These ideal characteristics are important to finding a person who makes you happy, but there are other, very important aspects of a potential partner to consider:r
There’s a great scene in a Woody Allen movie where a couple is seeing a counselor. Simultaneously the male complains that the couple never has sex while the female complains they have constant sex. The reason the scene is funny is because it contains a bit of truth to it. Few couples are perfectly in sync when it comes to libido. That imbalance of sexual drive may exacerbate the problem and cause even greater periods of sexual inactivity. How? Masturbation and Pornography
There are as many reasons for troubled marriages as there are people in them. Surely infidelity is a big one. One partner’s selfishness is another. Disrespect for your partner’s opinions and feelings will certainly damage a relationship, as will a lack of emotional intimacy, communication and affection. A need to get your own way through control, manipulation or abuse is devastating. The list goes on. But the number one sign your marriage is in trouble is contempt. Contempt: the feeling that a person is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn.
Abraham Lincoln did not attend his father’s funeral. When Abe was nine years old, his father, Thomas, left him and his sister for six months in their backwoods cabin in the charge of their 20-year-old cousin, Dennis Hanks. During that time, they often went hungry and barely scraped by. Later, when Abe became interested in learning, Thomas ridiculed his studies. When Abe sometimes neglected farm work to read, his father beat him. He also beat him for other minor infractions, although it’s useful to remember that kind of punishment was common back then.