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Browse published articles attributed to Nicola Beer, with full-archive search.
Time can be a big source of conflict in relationships. When you get married “your time” also becomes “their time” and if you have children then you need to also schedule in “family time” and time for family chores. Many couples I speak to are feeling so busy and stressed by feeling pulled in multiple directions that the quality of the marriage is declining.
Fear of an uncertain future can stop us from doing great things, and it can keep us holding onto things and habits that are hurting us. Today I will share 5 steps to deal with separation and divorce anxiety. I think it is fair to say, that the majority of us from time to time wonder what the future will be like. Whether we will be happy, have enough money and be healthy etc. But when you are contemplating, going through or coming out of divorce anxiety over the future can be overwhelming and unbearable at times.
Most unfaithful partners underestimate the damage and fallout after infidelity. Many claim that they didn’t think of the consequences and often, when faced with losing what they have, panic. This panic can lead them to make further mistakes in their attempts to help their injured partner. If you have cheated on your spouse, but have regrets and hope to save your relationship, don't let another mistake-ridden day go by without reading some of these tips.
Are you sick and tired of your spouse’s behaviour? Do you have no more to give? Are you at the end of your tether? Do you think an ultimatum is your only way out? We hear people giving ultimatums every day. “If you don’t stop doing X then Y will be the consequence.” However, more often than not these ultimatums are being issued by a parent to a child. This is a relationship where power and responsibility lie with the parent. It is the parent’s job to ensure that a child grows up knowing what is right and wrong, setting boundaries to ensure safety.r
The effects of having a child are immeasurable. Whilst most parents say the greatest moment and thing in their life was the birth of their son or daughter. The effect that having a child can have on your marriage is immense. Marital dissatisfaction can ensue after having a child and it can persist for years if you choose either not to address it, or, to assume that your relationship will flourish or return to how it was without giving it the attention it deserves.
When people get to the stage of seeking help for the dissatisfaction or conflict in their marriage, they often wonder “Did I marry the wrong person?” or “Did I marry right or well?” These are common thoughts many share with me that they struggle with. So, how do you know if you have? Is there such a thing as ‘the one’ or the ‘right’ person?
CHANGE YOUR WAYS TO CHANGE YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Since working with individuals over the years to heal from infidelity and marriages with multiple wives, I have learnt what successful re-builders do compared to those unsuccessful in repairing their relationships after affairs. Whilst there is no denying that affairs can destroy love, relationships and self-confidence, they don’t have to. As long as the betrayer follows some crucial steps to help their spouse heal and together the couple look at ways to improve and strengthen their marriage.
Guilt is a painful, uncomfortable and often lingering emotion that many individuals I work with suffer from. You will learn about John and Dana’s experience today, and at the end are my 3 secret tips to letting go of guilt. Take John’s case, after many years of endless agonizing and indecision, he recently left his marriage of 23 years, to a woman that adored him. He wasn’t seeing anyone else. He loved and cared for her but no longer wanted to be with her. They had nothing to talk about or in common and being around her and their home made him feel trapped and depressed.
Does it feel like everything is up to you to make the relationship work? Does everything seem one-sided right now? Do you feel you are the only one taking care of the important stuff? If yes that’s totally natural Relationships are like a seesaw The more one person does something, the less the other one will do. The more one person wants or worries about something the less the other one will want it or worry about it. The more one person takes care of something the less the other will be bothered.
Divorce is a word that we see and hear everywhere. In our daily lives divorce atto eys solicit their services in commercials, billboards, print media and flyers. Television shows and films trivialize divorce as it's cloaked in steamy affairs, romanticized depictions of fragmented families and crimes of passion and revenge.
Tips on How To Save An Affection-Starved Marriage and Keep Your Relationship Happy Affection can be one of the first things to go after children are born or when a marriage is in trouble. BUT it doesn’t have to mean something serious and it can be naturally restored as I will go on to explain. Why after children? Hundreds of couples have shared with me that the affection they used to give to each other over time has been transferred to their children. Whilst this can easily happen couples without children can go through periods of lack of affection too.r
Lack of respect is one of the key reasons many couples get divorced. It is one of the major marriage problem signs. It destroys love, connection and intimacy. Many individuals and couples that join my online save my marriage program, share that respect has been missing or lost in their relationship. So I wanted to address what respect is in a loving relationship and how you can restore respect if it is missing.
Staying Connected To Children When Living Apart - 12 Tips for Successful Long Distance Parenting Of all the challenges, change and stress divorce brings, long distance parenting is one of the most painful and difficult to face. And yet, it is a very real experience for countless numbers of divorced families, with limited support available. Whilst this is written for separated and divorced long-distance parents, many expats living apart from their children have found these tips useful. Where Skype Parents, in particular "skype dads" has become a common trend in this mobile society.
* If you’ve had an affair, are regretful and desperate to save your marriage, don't let another mistake-ridden day go by without reading these tips. * If you are the betrayed spouse and your cheating partner is unintentionally hurting you in his/her attempts to make you feel better, put this article in their hands.r
Trust is an essential key in any relationship. I’ve helped couples rebuild trust after an affair, financial dishonesty, physical and emotional abuse as well as constant lying over small things. I’ve also worked with individuals to trust again after previous childhood trauma or relationship pain from their ex-partners.
Having worked with 100’s of couples now looking to repair the relationship or heal themselves after an affair, most want to know how long does it take to heal and what are the stages of healing after an affair. Like when dealing with a significant loss, loss of a loved one, financial loss or health loss there is no set time period for the healing process after an affair. We all deal with loss in different ways and the discovery of a cheating husband or cheating wife is often a very different situation and experience from one person to the other.
Are you struggling to forgive your ex or current partner for something they did? Are you still carrying a grudge, feel resentment or anger towards them? In all romantic relationships (past and present) there will be times where the one you love will hurt you. It could be something small, like a comment on the way you look, not calling when they said they would or forgetting important dates. Then there are bigger issues; infidelity, insulting your family, abusive or addictive behavior.
This is a topic no-one talks or writes about yet it is really common and the number is rising. Why? Well for one is has become accessible to almost everyone. If you think about it nearly everyone has a mobile phone and most people have a lap top or tablet on top. Statistics show our addiction to check our phone and fill any time gaps by searching online is increasing. For these reasons sadly addiction to pornography is rising. So in this article, I want to address What is porn addiction? What are the signs of porn addiction? How can porn addiction affect a relationship
Ian and Kim were a couple who came for marriage counseling, as they were constantly fighting over Kim's love of fashion and the financial cost of her shopping sprees, her husband Ian couldn't keep up with it and thought that there were far more important things to be spending money on. Kim felt hurt that Ian didn't try to understand her passion and angry as he spent plenty of money out socializing and drinking. They came to save their marriage, as after years of not understanding each other's interests they had grown so far apart, they were living separate lives under the same roof.
Since working with individuals over the years to heal from infidelity and marriages with multiple wives, I have learnt what successful re-builders do compared to those unsuccessful in repairing their relationships after affairs. Whilst there is no denying that affairs can destroy love, relationships and self-confidence, they don’t have to. As long as the betrayer follows some crucial steps to help their spouse heal and together the couple look at ways to improve and strengthen their marriage.
Nothing is more painful and crushing than finding out the partner you promised to have and hold forever has cheated and lied to you. It can ton feel like your whole world has come crashing down like a ton of bricks. Feelings of anger, fear and hurt can flood your system. Along with the shattering news are shattered dreams, hopes, and expectations you had for your relationship and the future. It’s natural to feel lost, numb and change your mind or consistently questioning yourself about what you want next.
Financial Abuse – Relationship Advice for a Financially Controlling Husband / Wife: Financial conflict causes a great deal of unhappiness and tension in relationships. I received this email last week and they have given me permission to share it, here is the advice I gave Emily (name changed) I hope if you are facing financial control or other conflicts this helps you. Hi Nicolar
Why do couples struggle to stay intimate? This is a question that baffled me when I started working in this field. Many women would say to me “what do I do when the feelings in a marriage are gone?” or men I work with to save their marriage would share “when a marriage is over to one person can you get it back?” I wanted to know why when the feelings in a marriage are gone can they not be restored with focus and effort. The good news is they can, the problem is 3 main things stop couples from reconnecting which I will explain in this article.r
“Nicola, My husband won’t go to marriage counselling, I’m desperately unhappy what shall I do?” “My wife refuses to speak to anyone, she says we are beyond help, it’s too late. Shall I give up?” These are statements I hear time and time again, and to be honest I don’t blame a husband or wife if they don’t believe in traditional relationship counselling. Statistics report that 75% of people who see marriage counsellors are worse off or divorced after! An alarming statistic isn’t it.
How to effectively respond to blame and enhance your marriage.
Today we live in an age that promotes self-awareness BUT when it comes to relationships, it fails to show us how to use our self-awareness to arrive at good decisions. Most of the advice we get makes our problems even worse. There are literally millions of men and women ambivalent about whether to stay in or leave their marriage. If this is you, I will share why you MUST get out of limbo for the sake of your sanity, health and relationship.
What are your spouse's most annoying habits? Is it the way they talk, eat, sit, clean up or snore when they sleep? Do they perhaps hum an annoying tune or crack their knuckles? And when was the last time they did something that irritated you? Last week? Yesterday? An hour ago? One of the most annoying things about annoying habits is that they can be so small, but still drive you mad. Overtime you may find the list of annoying habits grow. It may not be that your spouse has added more irritating habits as years have gone by, but instead, a sign your "honeymoon period" is over.
After the honeymoon period in a relationship is over, and our partner raises complaints about us, or does things we don't agree with or is somehow absent, we often start to make or draw slightly negative conclusions about them or the relationship. Typically it starts off as a thought one day, but if their actions continue to match it, we can start to think that way about the relationship or them. Negative thinking doesn't only affect you, it can kill connection, communication and passion, if the thought patterns become habitual.
Overcome the top 5 signs of being too needy, give your partner space and increase your attractiveness! Neediness will kill the passion and attraction in your relationship. We all want to be cherished and desired in our relationship that makes us feel good but being needed and pampering to a lover’s insecurities does not feel good.
Differences are an inevitable fact in any relationship. One very common difference is the difference in sexual desire. Low sexual desire or “low libido” as it is often called is actually very common for many men and women. They estimate about 40% of women will experience this and 17% of men (and estimate actual figures may be far higher). For men however it is less talked about as there is a societal expectation that men must live up to a reputation, that is that they are “always in the mood.” But that’s not true.
Snooping comes up time and time again in my work with couples from all over the world online. Arguments over discoveries after snooping on phones are frequent. This has included 1. Facebook messages to ex’s, 2. Whats app messages sharing intimate details or marriage complaints to friends, family or strangers 3. Flirting from work colleagues or old school friends.r
What’s are your spouse’s most annoying habits? Is it the way they talk, eat, sit, clean up? Do they perhaps hum an annoying tune or crack their knuckles? When was the last time they did something that irritated you? Last week? Yesterday? An hour ago?
Last week a lady I’m supporting in the in the US said: “Nicola, I want out of this marriage but I feel too guilty to leave.” Many men have shared the same with me. Staying in a relationship because of guilt alone can be a miserable way to live. If this is really all that is keeping a couple and family together. However, I often find that it is used as an excuse to mask someone’s own dependency. As many individuals don’t want to admit to themselves that they really DO want to STAY in the relationship if only some key things would change.
Are you exhausted of the same topics, issues or arguments resurfacing time and time again in your relationship? Are you sick and tired of the emotional relationship rollercoaster you find yourself on? If you have tried speaking to your spouse (or even tried marriage counselling) and nothing seems to be working? If yes, you are not alone… The problem is, the misinformation we are socialised to believe will fix our problems that never ever work. Which of the below have your tried? 1. Making Reassurances or Excuses- saying “I’ll change” or “things will be different.”r
Feeling Lonely? 4 Steps to Leave Loneliness For Goodr
Having worked with 100’s of couples now looking to repair the relationship or heal themselves after an affair, most want to know how long does it take to heal and what are the stages of healing after an affair. Like when dealing with a significant loss, loss of a loved one, financial loss or health loss there is no set time period for the healing process after an affair. We all deal with loss in different ways and the discovery of a cheating husband or cheating wife is often a very different situation and experience from one person to the other.
“Marriage isn’t just about raising kids, splitting chores, and making love. It can also have a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together — a culture rich with rituals, and an appreciation for your roles and goals that link you..." according to Gottmans 40 years of research, working with thousands of couples. He claims having a share meaning is what makes for a happy, fulfilling and lasting marriage and it is his seventh principle in his book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" that has sold over a million copies worldwide.
When we feel that we have been wrongly accused of something a common reaction is to put up our defences so our partner will back down. But all this succeeds to achieve is to make our husband/wife feel that we are not taking them seriously. Where the real underlying issues in a marriage don’t ever get resolved. Defensiveness is a way of avoiding the issues that were raised and can often lead to 2 problems rather than the one that started it. When I discuss with couples how to save your marriage, I highlight these three common forms of defensiveness Victim Retaliation
We all can probably remember a time in our lives where we have felt like giving up. Where we have felt exhausted, drained, alone and hopeless. I remember feeling so low at times that I could not see the point in trying or fighting anymore. Whether in the setup phases of my business many years ago or in my love life. During these times where I felt crushed, I would often ask myself “what’s the point?” Having worked with 1000’s of couples now in my online programs I am not alone. Many relationships inevitably hit a point where both parties may think “what’s happened to us?”r
Many couples bicker over all sorts of trivial things. Especially when they have become more disconnected, this is where ridiculous arguments, over pointless things can become big issues. For example I’ve heard couples bicker about the “right” way to pack the dishwasher, whether a colour is red or orange, who ate or drank what on an evening, who left the door open and how to correctly pronounce the word “niche” … and there so many more of mine own I could share, before I knew how harmful it was.
Let’s face it co-parenting after divorce isn’t easy. Many children of divorce go through a roller-coaster of emotions like their parents do when the family splits. Children may isolate. Have angry outbursts. Refuse to eat. Cry. Say horrible things. Throw tantrums. But what do you do if they refuse to see you or your ex-spouse? It’s a delicate and difficult situation for all involved and one that needs to be handled carefully.
Anger is a normal, healthy emotion, it’s perfectly healthy to feel angry when you’ve been mistreated or wronged by someone you love, but when it becomes consistent or explosive anger or spirals out of control, it can have serious consequences for your marriage, your health, and your state of mind.
Anne (name changed) emailed me after she discovered her husband had been having an affair. She was deeply hurt and angry at his betrayal. But she didn’t want to leave him and break up the family. They have two beautiful girls who dote on them both, plus the fact that deep down she still loved him. She discovered her husband was having an affair when she checked his phone at a friends BBQ. He had left his phone on the side, she picked it up and looked through his messages curious to what conversations he was having with his mates.
If you have had a marital affair, your husband/ wife has found out and you want to save the marriage, there are some key steps you will want to follow.
In the current market, long working work hours and high levels of stress seems to be the norm rather than the exception. It used to be entrepreneurs and executives running round fire fighting and answering emails 24/7, now most of my expat friends and clients are doing the same. There is no denying that demanding work schedules make it even more difficult to have a close and happy relationship, for various reasons! Especially when you had work travel or children to the mix.
Do you feel like you are drifting along in your marriage? Do you lack excitement or fulfilment in your relationship? Do you sometimes wonder why you are still married? As mentioned last week there are four elements that help build and support a shared meaning, all of which should be established and then built on over time. Read through each element and answer the questions after each section, making note of any thoughts that pop up you want to share with your lover. Four Elements That Build a Shared Meaning and Purpose Couple Counselling Tip 1. Rituals of Connectionr
“Marriage isn’t just about raising kids, splitting chores and making love. It can also have a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together — a culture rich with rituals, and an appreciation for your roles and goals that link you…” Gottman, 7 Principals of Making a Marriage Work There are different elements that help build and support a shared meaning, all of which should be established and then built on over time. Read through each element and answer the questions after each section, making note of any thoughts that pop up you want to share with your lover.
There is no doubt that work stress has become an increasing factor in marital dissatisfaction. Today couples work on average a thousand more hours each year than people did thirty years ago. This number tends to increase further in expat cities, as well as if you are an entrepreneur. All the extra work means that there is less time for talking, relaxing, eating and even sleeping. It is all too easy for stress to get the better of us and either withdraw or argue. The STRESS Cycle
A Balancing Act – The Importance of Receiving Love and Giving Love