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Browse published articles attributed to Richard Nicastro, with full-archive search.
Anyone who has run a marathon knows about commitment. To compete, the athlete relies on extensive training and physical fitness. But when the initial enthusiasm wanes and the painful, long-distance realities grip the runner's body, it is sheer dedication--commitment to completing what she ...
Relationships are all about closeness. Taking the risk to open your heart and letting your partner know the real you is the most profound type of sharing. This level of intimacy can be emotionally and spiritually rejuvenating. A healthy relationship is like a high-wire circus act. Lean too far ...
Are you ready for the understatement of the year? Here it is: Kids will make your second marriage a complicated and challenging experience. The reason is clear: In most circumstances, children do not want their parents to divorce. Therefore, the idea of you meeting someone new and finding ...
What motivates someone to listen to another person? Understanding this question will help you work toward more effective listening in your own marriage or relationship. 1. Clear message, favorable outcome Clearly communicating your needs is the foundation of effective communication and a ...
Couples often seek out my relationship help or marriage advice because of difficulties with intimacy—they no longer feel a deep emotional connection with their spouse/partner. Why are so many couples struggling with emotional intimacy? In order to experience the gifts of emotional intimacy, you need to share the deepest parts of yourself with your partner while maintaining a separate sense of self (without losing your identity).
You don't wake up one day and decide to have an affair. You're more likely to gradually enter into the arena of emotional infidelity—and many couples are surprised to discover that this slippery slope begins long before a physical affair is underway. Why is this? Someone starting an ...
You have the power to change your mood at this very moment—to increase your optimism, elevate your energy and enthusiasm, and increase your motivation toward reaching your personal goals. How is this possible? By sowing the seeds of gratitude. Research shows that when you increase feelings of ...
When you and your spouse/partner are locked in cycles of conflict, you probably assume you have nothing in common—especially during those times when your husband seems to shutdown emotionally and withdraw from you. However, the likelihood is that you and your mate share common threads in all that fighting—those commonalities are just going unrecognized.
When you consider what your relationship needs, consider the laws of gravity. An object that is set in motion will continue to move, unless something stands in its way. On the flip side, a motionless object will never move unless something acts upon it. Your relationship or marriage will remain ...
Men, Marriage & Emotions As a marriage/couples counselor, I often witness the emotional mismatch men and women struggle with when it comes to the world of feelings: For women, feelings are the pathway to emotional intimacy; closeness and connection are achieved by acknowledging and sharing what is felt. Feelings are something to be experienced, shared and, at times, savored with one another. For men, requests to acknowledge and integrate feelings into their life and relationships place them in unwelcome territory. Here are two possible reasons for this struggle:
Q: "I'm getting married in a month and want to know why so many marriages end in divorce. What should I look out for? How can I prevent divorce?" ~Sandra, Houston TX A: Understanding why a marriage or relationship might fail can alert couples to their own unique relationship vulnerabilities. These are not meant to be doom-and-gloom predictions about anyone's marriage, but rather information to help you identify potential marriage problems that can arise and that should be addressed. Let's look at five reasons why a marriage or relationship might not survive.
When it comes to building a healthy marriage/relationship, one of the best resources is to hear from couples who have been together for many years and, most importantly, would do it all over again with the same person. In the marriage/relationship enrichment workshops I run, there are often couples who meet this very criterion. Here are some of the important marriage/relationship advice tips these couples have shared: 1. It's not just about communication.
We are all embedded in a continuous stream of experience—an endless current that is too expansive to for us to take in all the information at once. One function of the mind is to help you deal with this vastness: To select, order and ultimately, create meaning out of all the life that surrounds you. This filtering of experience has great significance for your marriage/relationship.
When couples come to me for help, the first thing I do is observe how they communicate with each other. Communication is often the gauge of the health of a relationship. There are certain effective communication principles that can help you create a more harmonious marriage or relationship; and certain styles of communication have been linked to relationship and marital problems. When couples seek marriage help and relationship advice, they are often locked in ineffective communication patterns that have spiraled out of control.
"I'm tired of feeling alone in my marriage." ~Christian, married three years Often times, when couples complain about a break down in communication or some other marital/relationship problem, part of their distress centers around feeling emotionally disconnected from each other. This lack of emotional intimacy is often a warning sign that something needs to be addressed in your relationship.
Not everyone realizes they have relationship needs (emotional and physical needs that you expect your spouse/partner to meet). This is especially the case for older couples I work with who were raised in a generation where the phrases, "emotional needs" "emotional intimacy" and "need for validation" would cause confusion. In the past, a statement like, "I need you to..." might be seen as selfish, self-indulgent, and counter to what marriage is all about. But times have changed. Relationship Help: Are you entitled to have your needs met?
"I really hate it when we argue…but I've also learned so much about my husband from our fights and we have a stronger relationship now." ~Sandra, married seven years Even the most effective communicators get into spats now and then. And despite your best efforts at marital bliss, you and your partner will disagree and argue from time to time. But not all conflict is bad—conflict (if handled correctly) can teach you a great deal about yourself and your spouse or partner.
Here is my marriage advice to all couples: If you want to strengthen your marriage or relationship: Watch your mouth! Marriage help: It's all about the words we choose There's an old Bee Gees song that says, "It's only words, and words are all I have, to take your heart away." When you and your spouse/partner were first dating, you probably used your words wisely in an effort to win over your mate's heart.
Questions have the power to change people... For centuries, philosophers have known about the power of questions as a tool to finding the deeper truths about life. And questions are one of the central ways in which therapists (including marriage/couples counselors) help clients create more meaningful lives.
Arguments are a regular part of Lindsey and Hector's relationship. During a recent couples counseling session, they volleyed insults back and forth with such intensity that I almost stopped the session. But then something remarkable happened: Lindsey said, "Our marriage is too important to me to go on like this. We shouldn't treat each other this way. I want us to be friends again." I waited for Hector to mock his wife's tired attempt to bring back the harmony they once shared. But to my surprise, he softened and agreed with Lindsey.
Questions have power. They can open our minds up to new possibilities and ways-of-being, they can alter the course of our thoughts and shape our behavior in positive ways... ...and questions can have the opposite effect, shutting us down with the force of a jackhammer. And some questions aren't questions at all, they're really statements or proclamations disguised as questions. Here's an all-too-common example of a statement pretending to be a question that never leads anywhere useful (unless, of course, your goal is a break down in communication):
When it comes to love, men often get a bad rap. "You only hear about the guys who are abusive or cheat, but how about the tons of men who are faithful and kind?" ~John "I've been married for over twenty years. I know I'm not perfect, but I can honestly say that I do my best to be a good ...
Anyone who is married or in a long-term committed relationship comes to realize that at some point there is a danger of falling into a lifeless routine.
During a marriage crisis, life gets turned upside down and pulled apart, often in frightening and distressing ways. Like a volcanic eruption, tensions and pressures have accumulated that can no longer be contained by feelings of love or the motivation to "stick it out." The crisis often peaks when one spouse/partner decides the emotional pain is too great and seriously questions whether or not to stay in the marriage.
Why is it that we have no problem lounging around in our favorite sweatpants (with the hole in the knee) and our favorite threadbare T-shirt (with the rip in the sleeve) in front of our spouse/partner, but if our friends/co-workers were on the way over, we'd change into something "decent" in a quick hurry?
Intimacy is the hallmark of a healthy marriage or relationship. But there may be powerful, unconscious forces at work that prevent you from developing a deep and meaningful connection with your partner. Many couples seek out marriage help, relationship advice and/or couples counseling because of ...
If it's the season to be jolly... ...then why are there so many stressed, beleaguered couples walking around? Is it more fitting to say, 'Tis the season to feel tense, frustrated and constantly on-the-go? Whether you're feeling totally overwhelmed or slightly frustrated during the holiday season, it's easy to lose perspective about what's most important and valuable to you--your relationships. Here are five points to help you (and your spouse/partner) stay grounded during all that's going on this busy time of year:
Q: I need some relationship help. While I love my husband with all my heart, sometimes it's just so frustrating being married to him. When I feel that he's ignoring me, I get so upset, and he's usually surprised by the intensity of my reaction. Why do I get so upset with him? ~Lynn, Carlsbad CA A: Thanks for the question, Lynn. Here are some thoughts that might help shed light on your experience:
Q: "I need some marriage advice. Is arguing bad for a marriage? My husband says it's healthy to argue from time to time but I try to avoid marital conflict at all costs. Can you shed some light on this for us?" A: Relationship conflicts are a natural part of marriage or a long-term romantic relationship. And marital conflict isn't necessarily a sign that your relationship is in trouble.
A computer and access to the Internet: That’s all you need to share your opinion with the world about how you think people should manage their lives, relationships, finances…you name it. It seems like ove ight, everyone has become a potential "expert" about some particular ...
If it's the season to be jolly… …then why am I seeing so many stressed, beleaguered couples walking around? Is it more apt to say, 'Tis the season to feel tense, frustrated and constantly on the go? Whether you're feeling totally overwhelmed or slightly frustrated, it's easy to lose perspective about what's most important and valuable to you during this holiday season--your marriage or relationship. What does the holiday season mean to you and your partner? Ironically, the gift of love can easily be forgotten this time of year.
Any couples counselor will tell you that not all marriages or relationships are salvageable—despite my best efforts (and my pro-marriage and pro-commitment attitudes), some of the couples I've counseled will still make the painful decision to end their marriage or relationship. A sad fact is that there will always be a percentage of marriages that fail—despite the couple's best efforts to make it work. I think we all know this at some level, but we still believe that somehow our love is so unique and transcendent that our relationship will be the one that prevails, no matter what.
We all know the grim statistics. Second marriages are more likely to end in divorce than first marriages. Yet, social animals that we are, we keep on remarrying anyway. But there is hope: there are unions that defy statistics and go on to live happily ever after. We often think of second ...
Have you ever related to your spouse/partner in a totally non-defensive, emotionally open way? If you have, in that moment you and your spouse/partner were vulnerable and receptive to each other’s emotional needs/experiences. To do this, you were able to free yourself from the emotional blocks that so many men struggle with—you were unencumbered by the stereotypes and preconceived notions about masculinity that stand in the way of an authentic emotional connection. During moments of deep emotional intimacy there is no pretense or ego at work.
Ed and Brenda have been married for nine years. Both describe their marriage as fulfilling and generally happy, and they experience the typical ups and downs that many couples face. They report that they share a good, solid sex life, and--as in all relationships--the passion between them ebbs ...
Intimacy is a lot like trying to get warm on a cold winter night. You wrap yourself up in your favorite blankets and settle in for sleep, but at some point ove ight you may feel too warm and constrained by the blankets. So you disentangle yourself and push the blankets away. But after a few ...
Even though Travis and Linda are decades beyond the acceptable age for trick-or-treating (they’re in their mid-forties), and even though they don’t have children of their own to steer around the neighborhood, they love Halloween. No, it’s not what you think. They don’t ...
It's natural to enter a long-term relationship with expectations. And one expectation most of us have is that our spouse or partner will remain relatively healthy. Although wedding vows ask us to consider the possibility of sickness, we don't automatically assume our loved ones will suffer a ...
Second marriage success: How to strengthen your second marriage Pam voiced her frustration about problems in her second marriage: “I couldn’t believe it was happening all over again. Slowly but surely, my second husband started to do all the things my first husband did, and I ...
You and your wife are settled in for the Mary Tyler Moore Show marathon with his and hers bags of microwave popco and caffeine-free diet Pepsi. Before Mary even gets in her first, "Oh, Mr. Grant!", the Passion Police bust down your door and handcuff you both. "You are hereby charged with ...
Q: I love my husband, but somewhere along the line we've become more like friends than lovers. We had an amazing sex life early in our relationship but now we're lucky if we have sex once a month, and when we do it's pretty unremarkable. I really enjoy sex and I'd like to make it a regular part ...
No matter how we might resist them at times, we can't deny the presence of rules in society. From traffic lights to ticket sales, rules help us avoid chaos and establish routines that allow us to cope as a society. But beyond the macrocosm, rules are an important presence in the microcosm of ...
An affair takes an enormous emotional, physical and spiritual toll on any committed relationship. The very foundation that a relationship is built upon—trust, commitment and loyalty—are shattered, and the post-affair relationship is sometimes unsalvageable because the sense of ...
When a troubled couple comes to me for relationship help, one of the first questions I ask is, "What have you already done to try to solve these relationship problems?" Several issues immediately become apparent as I listen to these distressed couples: 1. Many of them didn't have a plan to ...
Physical intimacy is an important component in marriage and long-term relationships. The reasons why a passionate marriage might dwindle into a sexless marriage vary widely. The first step in keeping passion alive over the long haul is to understand the roadblocks to emotional and physical intimacy. In addition to the natural reduction of sexual desire and frequency that occurs in long-term marriages/relationships, there are other factors that may be contributing to a lackluster sex life. Here are a few to consider:
Emotional safety is something couples typically don't think about until something happens to threaten this safety. Emotional safety (knowing that you can trust your spouse/partner, that s/he has your best interest in mind and will try to be responsive to your emotional needs) creates a foundation of stability that grounds your relationship. When it is missing, the very foundation of one's relationship is compromised.
"I hate having to compete with the TV or computer for my husband's attention. He used to be such a wonderful listener. I feel like I'm not important enough to him anymore." ~Jennifer "It's really frustrating. I'll tell my girlfriend something and by the next day, she's forgotten what I said. ...
In the past you were single…nn…and you could make decisions without having to check in with anyone. Your favorite color was red and you liked small, fast cars (as in Cherry Red Sports Car, beloved even though you wrenched your back getting in and out); The one bedroom apartment ...
For better or for worse, we’ve all learned how to be in relationships from observing the unions that surrounded us throughout our lives. If you grew up in a family where faithfulness, compassion and commitment were top priorities, and conflicts were dealt with rather than swept away, ...
Warning: the contents of this article may upset you. In fact, I strongly recommend that you close this page. If you're like most people, you have a child-like naïveté about romance. I don't want to spoil that. Sure, you were able to handle the truth about Santa Claus and the tooth ...