In situations or relationships with any kind of difficulty – tension, feeling hurt, conflicts, mismatches of wants . . . the usual crud – it’s natural to focus on what others have done that’s problematic.
This could be useful for a while: it can energize you, highlight what you most care about, and help you see more clearly what you’d like others to change.
But there is also a cost: fixating on the harms (actual or imagined) done by others revved up your case about them (see Drop the Case), with all the stresses and hard feelings that this brings. Plus, it makes it harder to see the good qualities in those you have issues with, the influence of additional factors – and whatever might be your own part in the matter.
For example, let’s say you work with someone who is unfairly critical of you. Sure, there are ways that this person is out of line, self-righteous, whatever. Additionally, there are the ways that this person is also doing good things, plus the ways that other factors – such as coworkers who like to gossip – are making things worse. And there might be your own role as well, perhaps inadvertently.
To be clear, sometimes we really do have no part in whatever happened. Many situations are like a person walking across a street with a green light when a drunk driver hits them. And in many other situations, our own role is small at most and never justifies the harmful actions of others. I feel it is courageous and self-respecting to recognize and, as appropriate, call out the harm done by someone to us or others.
And still . . . we usually have little influence over other people. Yes, we do what we can about what’s “out there,” but “in here,” there are many more opportunities for managing our reactions and for becoming more skillful in life.
Further, I’ve never been able to come to peace about anything that’s bothered me until I take responsibility for whatever my own part in it. Which, upon reflection, is sometimes nothing at all! But the willingness to see for oneself whatever one’s part is enables a genuine sense of release when we can enjoy “the bliss of blamelessness.”
Paradoxically, when you step into acknowledging your part, then you can step out of tangles of conflicts with others and ruminations and resentments inside your own mind.
The Practice.
Since it can be challenging to look squarely at your own part in a situation, start by resourcing yourself: bring to mind the feeling of being cared about, get a sense of some of your own good qualities, and remind yourself of the benefits to you and others that will come from seeing your part.
Next, pick a challenging situation or relationship that involves another person . . . and take some time to consider:
Then consider your own role in the matter, whatever it might be. To do this, it helps me to sort my own actions – of thought, word, or deed – into three groups:
The distinction between opportunities for greater skillfulness and moral faults is really important – both regarding yourself and others you have issues with. Often we miss chances to become more skillful because we think it will mean acknowledging a moral fault. Of course, what is a matter of skillful correction for one person could be a moral fault to another one; you have to decide for yourself.
As you do take responsibility for your own part, have compassion for yourself. Also, remember that surrounding that part is all sorts of good qualities in you – and seeing your part is also an expression of your goodness. Know these things, and let them sink in.
Allow waves of sadness or remorse to move through you as you see your part. Let them come, and let them go. Don’t wallow in guilt: that actually undermines seeing and taking action about your own role. Remember that your part does not reduce the part of others. Appreciate that facing your part helps you help others to face their own.
Increasingly, find your way to a kind of peace. When you see your part with clarity and a whole heart, then you are not resisting anything. And no one can tell you something about your own role that you don’t already know. There is a relief, a softening, an opening, an upwelling sense of your own good heart.
Then, gently see if any actions come to mind as wise and helpful. Perhaps some communications to others, or resolutions about the future, or making of amends. Take your time here; you can trust yourself to know what to do.
When you have a sense of the benefits of seeing your part, really take it in. You surely deserve it! Acknowledging one’s own part in a difficult situation is one of the hardest – and I think most honorable – things a person can do.
Rick Hanson, Ph.D., is a psychologist, Senior Fellow at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, and New York Times best-selling author. His seven books have been published in 31 languages and include Making Great Relationships, Neurodharma, Resilient, Hardwiring Happiness, Just One Thing, Buddha’s Brain, and Mother Nurture - with over a million copies in English alone. He's the founder of the Global Compassion Coalition and the Wellspring Institute for Neuroscience and Contemplative Wisdom, as well as the co-host of the Being Well podcast - which has been downloaded over 10 million times. His free newsletters have 250,000 subscribers, and his online programs have scholarships available for those with financial needs. He’s lectured at NASA, Google, Oxford, and Harvard. An expert on positive neuroplasticity, his work has been featured on CBS, NPR, the BBC, and other major media. He began meditating in 1974 and has taught in meditation centers worldwide. He and his wife live in northern California and have two adult children. He loves the wilderness and taking a break from emails.