Remember when. . .
Fast forward to the present. . .
It sounds like your love life has fallen into a rut.
How did that happen and when? Is there a cure for what ails your private life? Without intimacy to bind a couple, the relationship may disintegrate into partners seeking intimacy elsewhere, bitterness, resentment and in some cases the breakup of a relationship where two people are pretty sure they still love each other. They just have no idea that they can re-capture that “new car smell” to their same, old relationship.
There are powerful hormones that flood your brain when you fall into love and lust. When you first meet adrenaline, oxytocin and endorphins are basically driving your every move. New relationship energy revs your sexual drive like a powerful engine! The tamest, most conservative person can exhibit sexual prowess like never before. On the other hand, others are fueled by the energy of another new relationship.
Most of us would agree that sex in the beginning of relationships is ecstasy.
Over time, those same hormones settle down and the two of you settle into being a couple. Your priorities shift to everyday living matters: jobs, children, ailing parents, bills, pets, chores and more. The list goes on and on. Less of your time is spent on conquering and discovering what makes each other tick. The hunt is over. You are now together so why bother right?
Sounds like it’s time for a tune-up to your relationship. As a psychotherapist and sex coach now with years of experience with hundreds of couples, I see this dynamic in 90% of the couples that choose to work with me. I’ve narrowed it down to. . .
FIVE WAYS TO CLIMB OUT OF YOUR SEXUAL RUT. This is the manual on how to make your engines purr for each other once again.
1. Stop What You Are Doing! Right now! I hear from frustrated couples that their sex life is or was actually still “ok”. There still experience orgasms. They love their partner and find some attraction enough to indulge them on special occasions. Often, however, a good book and a glass of wine or a football game leaves them feeling more fulfilled than a kiss from their beloved.
It’s time to do an about face and stop everything you’ve been doing up to this point. STOP IT! Don’t “do it” anymore like you’ve been doing it. It’s not working for either of you and you’re going through the motions like robots. So what do you do now?
2. You shall give or you shall receive, but not both. Not tonight. Realignment of your relationship starts with a simple but powerful Tantric exercise. This is an important exercise and one to be taken seriously. It can have significant impact on your relationship and your sex life.
Decide together whose turn it is tonight. Spend 20 minutes together where one person gives and other person receives. There is no reciprocation. There is no mutual, consensually-agreed upon sharing. The receiver is at choice and decides exactly what he or she wants and makes a request (or several during the 20 minute time-frame). The giver is also at choice and can say ‘yes’ or ‘no’. The key is that if you are a ‘yes’ to your partner’s request, then go all in and give to him or her in the ways that s/he invites during the entire 20 minutes.
NOTE: This is not a prelude to sex; this is not foreplay or a seduction challenge. This is an agreed upon boundary exercise that has the potential to super charge your desire for each other and refill your love tanks! Decide together how many nights you want to repeat this exercise and rotate between you.
3. Look under each other’s hood and rediscover the mystery that is your partner.
Unlike a vehicle, there isn’t a manual detailing every part of your lover, its function or necessary maintenance. No other engine works like this person you behold right now so there isn’t a manual. Love requires a process of consistent rediscovery. So does passion. So does the kind of swing-from-the-chandelier sex you invented when you met and fell in love. Some of the past may come back to you and that’s ok. You have history together however it’s time to give your partner a hall pass to cheat. . .on you, WITH you. This will be a new you! Go on and give it up to each other like strangers. You’re giggling at the thought of it already, aren’t you?
This is where role playing comes in. Air out those sexual fantasies, talk dirty to each other. Plan a date night. Go out, stay in. Dress up. Strip. Watch porn. Listen to sexy music stations online. Try costumes, toys, new sex positions. Have you ever played Doctor with each other? How about strip poker? I don’t care if you cheat at Checkers and argue over the rules as you make them up. The idea is to get your blood and oxygen pumping so those powerful and natural hormones can flood your brains. Your brains now involve your hearts, your genitals and all the body parts it takes to please yourselves and each other. You want to reach that first orgasm with each other right after getting out of the sex rut that limited your passion and desire for each other.
You now know new and exciting tickle spots, sensitive spaces and cuddle language you never realized about each other before. Believe it or not, there still is a world of exploration left between you. It is therefore your divine duty to please that booty in every which way you desire! You would do well to save these instructions. Many couples report to me that they’ve hit a rut in the life of their relationship more than once.
There are no limits to how many times you can repeat these steps.
4. As always, choose to Come Back To Love…and bring your partner with you. Be tender with each other and don’t point the finger of blame or shame your partner because of the sex rut you are in. It is no one’s fault. Both of you contributed to what’s happening right now. It takes two to Tango and two to untie the knot you are in (a little help from a therapist goes a long way of course.)
5. Keep it fun. One secret to reviving that “new car smell” is remaining CURIOUS about how you and your partner tick, both together and apart. Choose to love each other, laugh together and support each other in moving forward. Don’t make it one person’s responsibility to “fix” things. Working on this together fosters that loving connection you both need from each other.
You now have the tools to jump out of a sexual rut as well as avoid falling into one altogether from now on!
Robyn Vogel is a Psychotherapist, Certified Sex Coach and sex educator, and creator of ComeBackToLove.com, where she marries traditional, spiritual and energetic methods to teach men and women how to master the energetics of intimacy and Come Back to Love™.
Robyn works with individuals and couples who are struggling with intimacy, feeling lost around love, and deeply crave purposeful and passionate connection. For 15 years she's been teaching and practicing Tantra as a foundational spiritual practice that grounds her clients from within, removes obstacles to loving deeply and teaches all aspects of healthy sustainable intimate relationship.