How to stop self-sabotaging your relationships and reclaim the control over yourself

Have you ever said something, done something and/or acted in a way that perplexed you? You know you wanted something but then acted in a way that went contrary to what you desired?

For example: You were excited about a new relationship opportunity, but found yourself becoming increasingly needy or began to feel less excited or found yourself making an excuse for why that person does not suit you. You likely also heard a voice in your head saying “I am not ready for a relationship, I am not interested”. The sad thing is most individuals follow these internal voices, thinking these are actually the source of their guidance and their internal guidance system helping them make positive life choices. Whether that is your critical voice or fear that generates these warning signals, they ultimately control your decisions and feelings towards others.

These behaviours run by the fear of rejection, intimacy, and abandonment. So it often tends to fall into self-sabotaging behaviours such as manipulation, avoidance, overeating, jealousy, drug and alcohol usage, affairs and so on, in order to try and “protect” themselves from being rejected and from experiencing an old unconscious pain. With these things running in the unconscious mind, it doesn’t sound like there is much control over choices you make.

Do you know that such self-sabotaging tendencies are:

1. Automatic and outside of the individual’s conscious control,
2. Driven by deeply buried subconscious programs rooted in early negative memories of rejection, abuse, abandonment, humiliation, and so on.
3. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy which only leads to what the person most fears i.e. rejection
How to live in the present and enjoy a fulfilling relationship?

An individual in a relationship or an individual seeking/desiring a life partner, may not understand why they do the things they do, or act the way they act. Having such issues one may seek help with a relationship counsellor or get himself/herself a book in order to read and learn about what they can do differently to change their reality. The thing that limiting about this is that, all relationship conflicts are driven by these unconscious programs and no source of knowledge is going to stop the unconscious motivations and the negative effects these things have on individuals. An individual’s behaviour, level of attractiveness and charisma are blocked as a result of them being there, leading individuals to feel desperate, unattractive and more vulnerable to ineffective tricks, such as “get your ex back in 30 days programs” and “techniques to win a person’s affections”.

Individuals who have experienced early life abuse, neglect, abandonment, humiliation, rejection, and so on have stored negative memories of those experiences as well as the emotional pain of those events. If you feel undesirable, unattractive and lack charisma, this pain exists as feelings of sadness, rejection, worthlessness, failure, inadequacy, insecurity, feeling unwanted and unlovable, self-hated, needy and go on blocking all source or natural charismatic authentic self-expression and ultimately leading individuals to run to relationships to compensate for these holes and pain in their self-esteem.

These feelings behave like, what I have termed “emotional landmines” that “go off” releasing all of the old emotional pain whenever a person experiences, perceives or anticipates some form of rejection or a slight resemblance to old negative emotional experiences from their past. At these moments, as a way of attempting to protect themselves from experiencing new slights as well as being overwhelmed by the re-emergence of the old emotional pain, they often get triggered into employing unhealthy and self-sabotaging tendencies such as: trying to control their partner, avoidance, having affairs as a way to get the needed “love” and validation from someone else, as a way of feeling safe, secure, loved, wanted, and so on.

Now I think you can see such programs are only self-destructive and destructive to the person and their relationship. Unfortunately for many people these negative tendencies get automatically triggered leaving the person feeling like a passive victim of the damage they do.

What many don’t realise is that these negative self-sabotaging programs are also driven by the negative memories of old experiences stored within the subconscious mind. Much like a “computer program” however they can now be permanently deleted or erased thereby leaving the person feeling consciously in control of themselves and able to make healthy self-respecting choices.

So what can one do to reclaim full ownership of these behaviours, programs and actions? A decade ago it was discovered that a person can systematically clear all self-sabotage by deleting the negative memories anchoring the associated limiting beliefs in the mind and body. To find out more, visit the Institute of Self Mastery website where you can request a complimentary 1 hour phone/Skype coaching session to see how this can help you.