Anne (name changed) emailed me after she discovered her husband had been having an affair. She was deeply hurt and angry at his betrayal. But she didn’t want to leave him and break up the family. They have two beautiful girls who dote on them both, plus the fact that deep down she still loved him. She discovered her husband was having an affair when she checked his phone at a friends BBQ. He had left his phone on the side, she picked it up and looked through his messages curious to what conversations he was having with his mates. To her horror, she found messages to and from a Louise of a sexual nature. She felt disgusted, furious and confused. She rushed to the bathroom with the phone, locked herself in and read the streams of conversations they had. Acting quickly she emailed herself all of their whats app messages. Then she confronted her husband telling him she knew about Louise, that she had evidence and told him not to bother coming home that night. They left immediately and spent the night and next week fighting about it. She wanted to know from me how to get over a cheating husband and save the marriage.
If you have found out you have a cheating husband or wife let me start by saying how sorry I am you are going through this and we are connecting under these circumstances. The pain can be immense and utterly overwhelming with so many fears and doubts flooding your mind. Although I am happy you are here because it means you already know that saving a relationship after an affair takes action. Just you taking the time to read this is a positive step to healing the relationship.
If this doesn’t apply to you directly but has or is happening to someone close to you below are some tips that I hope will help.
Below is a list I have devised from helping hundreds and couples through this in the next article next week I will share 7 tips for the betrayer to follow – so look out for that!
For the Betrayed – Relationship Counseling tips by Nicola Beer
The first thing you need to recognise is that is often impossible to get over it on your own. You are going to need support from your spouse to feel secure, attractive and desired again. As well as some tools to stop any obsessive thoughts and behaviours, or flashbacks and painful images which could be from a good coach or other types of self-healing.
1.Feel your feelings
Allow yourself to feel and express your pain and anger. Find a healthy outlet for the stress and frustration. Instead of trying to fix feelings with sugar, alcohol, drugs, shopping or any other habit that doesn’t serve you.
2. Do ask questions
Many find they have a peace when they are able to put the pieces together and understand why, where and when it happened. Those that choose not to know anything end up finding it much harder to move forward.
3.Be willing to forgive
Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself not your partner. You free yourself when you forgive. Forgiving does not mean you condone the behaviour or are forgetting, it is about choosing to move forward.
4.Do get help
Don’t suffer in silence. Get support from loved ones friends or a relationship specialist to support you.
5.Be patient with yourself.
Especially if you are acting out of character, by checking up on your spouse, being extra suspicious or feeling insecure. It’s natural on the odd occasion to overreact after discovering their affair.
6.Give up control
Recognise that no matter what, you cannot control your partner’s behaviour, so monitoring them and checking up on them will drive you crazy. Over time it will also over push someone further away. No one likes to be watched and analysed.
7.Accept their love and kindness.
Receive the repair efforts and positive gestures they offer. Appreciate them and you will get more. I have seen many husbands and wives continuously punish their spouse after an affair, refusing to accept their apology and loving act. This refusal blocks healing and in the end, will end the relationship.
Another question I get asked frequently is
What if they Deny the Affair?
In relationships where the cheating husband or wife is denying the affair or not accepting the descriptions “emotional attachment” “cyber infidelity” etc the healing process can be a lot more challenging. How can you get over a cheating husband/wife if they don’t acknowledge it? It doesn’t matter what type of betrayal took place healing from affairs ALWAYS requires the cheater to switch to rescuer. When they don’t admit to the pain they have caused they cannot help move the relationship forward. Coming up next are 7 tips the betrayer can implement. Look out for it or email me now for a copy nicola@purepeacecoaching.com
Summary
There is no easy way to get over an affair. I am frequently asked how do I get over their affair without feeling so angry, hurt and rejected. It’s hard, there is no denying that that is why having the support of people who love you is key, although I fully appreciate you may want to keep it hidden. Trust needs to be rebuilt and trust can only be rebuilt by loving acts of kindness, affection, attention, appreciation.
The key way to know whether to save it comes down to your feelings, whether your spouse is remorseful and whether you are willing to take steps to change the way you are relating and work towards your future. I hope this helps you, get in touch to find more about making your marriage great.
If you are still unsure what to do next – take the “Is My Marriage over? quiz. https://training.nicolabeer.com/official-marriage-assessment Which will help you assess your marriage.
From my heart to yours, Nicola
Nicola Beer
Relationship & Connection Specialist
nicola@purepeacecoaching.com
www.nicolabeer.com
P.S Don’t delay or stay stuck in confusion any longer Take the marriage assessment now by clicking here https://training.nicolabeer.com/official-marriage-assessment
Nicola Beer is an International Relationship & Divorce Coach who helps her clients find peace and create a new beginning after Marriage Breakdown and Divorce. This includes helping couples on the verge of a breakup to resolve their relationship issues once and for all so that they can revive the love, passion, respect, and fun that's been missing.
As well as helping clients during and after Divorce to manage stress, create more income and adjust to new financial realities, redefine who they are, create a new social life, and when they are ready to attract someone great. Nicola also runs 2 parenting programs that support children through and after divorce
Nicola has combined 11 years' experience helping people with emotional issues. This comprises 7 years private coaching and 4 years as a volunteer for the Samaritans where she supported callers dealing with any emotional distress. She is UK certified in Coaching, Grief Recovery for Adults and Children, NLP, Time Line Therapy, Hypnosis.
Nicola's passion for supporting people before, during and after divorce comes from her own childhood, where due to the stress of divorce her mother suffered a mental breakdown. As 1 of 5 children the divorce was devastating for her family and affected each of her family in different ways. More recently Nicola's older sister with 4 children is going through a difficult divorce. Having experienced and seen the pain and stress associated with divorce Nicola is focused on proving solutions. She knows divorce doesn't have to mean disaster and takes her clients and their children from surviving to thriving. She is equally passionate about saving marriages, so has a program to overcome relationship problems.
Nicola works with expats and locals, Muslims and Non-Muslims from all over the world, mainly from Dubai, London, India, Saudi Arabia, Singapore, either in person for a 2 day intensive package or further afield US, Australia via video conference and phone.