One of the more profound words that I heard is “every wo(man) gets exactly the relationship they want”. These words made me stop and think for a while, striking a cord within me. Is it possible to get a loving and committed relationship that lasts through the years? The answer is in the affirmative.
But there is a catch! What is the catch, you ask?
The catch is that you need to work at it, to show up everyday to the relationship table, to consciously prune and water and weed and reach out for the best for your relationship. In other words, you need to be present every single step of the journey. You can do this by implementing some simple habits into your everyday interactions with your partner, allowing them to become second nature to you and eventually forming a deeper bond and appreciation of each other.
Listen with your Heart
This can not be stressed enough. You need to learn to listen to your partner. Find out exactly what it is he/she trying to communicate to you. A complaint about late dinner or too much time at the office may be a cry for more time together and attention. You must learn to and master listening and striping past the words to the core of the discontent your partner is voicing. Do not be quick to be on the defensive or apologize for the sake of keeping the peace, take time out from whatever it is you are doing or feeling and really listen. Listen like it is the interview that will make or break your career or goals. The more attentive you are, the more your partner will begin to realize that their feelings are important to you and you truly care, which is one of the steps in making the communication between the two of you easier. Also this curbs the common problem amongst couples of ‘fighting about the same thing over and over again”. Listen and truly listen, putting out your emotional feelers, so you can get to the root and core of the issue and resolve the matter once and for all. This will allow for fewer arguments and complaints, and more unity between the two of you.
Make like the cave man
It is important to make like the cave man once in a while. Go under. Missing in Action is the code. Take time out away from the stress of every day living to spend time with each other. This means switching off that cell phone, lap top, computer, closing that store and taking time to enjoy each other. Do not lose sight of the bigger picture. Work and material pursuit enhance the quality of your life together, but do not make your relationship. Take time to go back to the basics and remember what you had and felt for each other before the mortgage, own business, third income and all the other stuff that take your time, came into play. Always make time to switch off the light. It is very refreshing and allows you to touch base with each other’s core, strengthening the relationship further.
Walk down memory lane
Take a walk down memory lane, whenever present lane gets too convoluted. Remember what you liked about one another. Talk about it. Visit old haunts. Take out those old photos and laugh. Allow the past to come and sit in and dine with the present, once in a while, strengthen the golden thread of the history that binds you together. By doing so, you remember the little things that made you know that he/she was the one. Time, life, children and other obligations may mask these things, but by going down memory lane you allow yourself to see the girl who defied it all to be with you, the man who took the train every week, like clock work to see you. These moments are precious and must not be relegated to the past. They have a certain power to them to see you through the hard times.
Kiss Me
It is amazing how many couples hardly kiss after the initial butterflies have died down. I am not talking about the perfunctory kiss on the cheek or the ‘two second hi honey’ kiss on the lips. I am talking about heavy kissing that get your pulses racing. Make an effort to make this part of your intimate encounter with your partner. Close your eyes, relax and remember how great it was when you used to kiss for hours. Make time to do this, despite your hectic schedule. Sometimes women need intimacy that involves kissing and cuddling, rather than sexual intercourse and it is vital to take time out to just hold and kiss one another. It may feel strange at first, but with time, like an old trusted car, you will get comfortable with it and it is great for your intimacy.
The Biggest Loser
Learn to choose your battles. Do not go into every argument looking to win or prove a point. Do not hold grudges. Do not seethe and smolder silently in rage. Practice letting go sometimes. Not every argument or point needs to be proved to the death. This is your loved one and not your enemy or a stranger. Strive for harmony. There are certain battles that you can let slide. Seek to understand. There is nothing worse than bad habit. When you get into the habit of arguing every point, you will eventually alienate your partner because you are so caught up in being right or being the ‘victim’, that you no longer truly listening to what they have to say. At the end of the argument, there is no score card to be kept, no prizes to be won and no audience to applaud the ‘victor’, but losers all round. Practice being the bigger loser sometimes, it may bruise your ego a little, but that price you can afford to pay.
Gratitude is the memory of the heart
Do not take your partner for granted. It is easy to get caught up in the years that you no longer appreciate the small things that he or she does. Not every couple has a chance to get into the TV show ‘wife swap” that makes you realize what a great partner you have. Rather consciously remember and compliment them for the great things they do. Look around and see the ways your partner is different from the others; you will appreciate him or her more. Do you take a packed lunch to work? Do you have breakfast in bed on weekends? Do you get help minding the children so that you can see your friends? Gratitude is the memory of the heart. It is not a right, but a privilege. Receive it as such and show him or her that you truly appreciate the small things they do. People never get tired of being appreciated, but they do get fed up with being taken for granted.
Fire burning
The fact that you are tired or that your libido is lower than usual or that you have so much to do or have a lot of work or household commitments does not detract from the fact that your partner has physical needs that need to be meet. Hiding behind a headache, going to bed early, exclaiming 20 times how tired you are or squarely putting your five year old in bed between you will get you so far. Resentment will build on both sides, over time, as the one partner will feel deprived and the other that demands are being placed when he/she is exhausted. Unfortunately, there is no right or wrong party, just the sands of time. They drop and fall at will and do not have perfect moments frozen for you to make love, to put the children through school, etc. You must rather grab the clock by its hands and make the time to be intimate. This is very important.
Do little things to get you in the mood. Lights some candles, or even heck, build a bonfire. Buy some nice lingerie, come back early from work, pay compliments to each other in the day, send naughty e-mails or phone messages, make love in the basement or your car. In the same way you plan your mortgage and career, you must dedicate to your sex life. If you keep on waiting for the time that you will feel up to it or when everything is where you want it to be, you may be left with a big gap in your relationship.
Revamp, decorate and maintain
And no, I am not talking about the kitchen or living room. It is important to look good for your mate. This does not mean that you must put yourself under pressure to look like your old twenty year old self. Time does change and life experiences, childbirth and age take their toll on our bodies, the idea is to revamp and reinvent yourself through the different stages. Do not let yourself go. Make an effort to exercise, change your hairstyle, update your wardrobe, revamp your suit or shoe collection and most of all, maintain it. Taking care and pride in your appearance reflects that you value your partner and yourself as well. Some people make drastic changes after the end of a relationship, taking care of their appearances and dropping many dress sizes. The truth is your partner is the one you need to impress and the time is ripe now to look good for him/her, not when you get that promotion, move into a new neighborhood, lose some weight or feel better about yourself.
Keep these few steps in mind and seek to make them a part of your life. Feelings smolder and die and initial attractions fade with the years. The truth of the matter is that, just as you need to work at eating right and exercising to maintain your figure, just as you need to prune, water and plant new seeds to make your garden grow, in the same way, you need to work at making the initial flames of your relationship a bonfire that will keep both of you warm throughout your lives. You will have exactly the relationship that you want, you just have to show up and work at it.
The author is passionate about photography and runs a successful wedding photography business. She is also passionate about the human element of relationships and when she is not documenting it behind the lens at http://www.wedding4africa.co.za, she is reading and writing on insightful hints on making relationships and the events that document them work.