Last week I was getting honest about the subjects of change and control. This week I’m answering about how I respond.
Then – 3/6/2004
“Journal question –How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
I am trying to let go of the need to control everything. I’m trying to realize that ‘Carl’ is 100% responsible for himself. However, I still find myself interfering and telling or ‘suggesting’ what to do when it comes to the kids. In those cases when he is doing something that affects the kids, I have to step in. They’re too young to speak up for themselves. He doesn’t see how his words and behaviors affect them, especially ‘Erin’. I get very annoyed and angry when I see him repeating the same behaviors over and over. It’s not fair to any of us.”
Now - 6/12/11
I laughed out loud when I re-read this journal entry because it really showed how crazy things were at the time. How did I respond? One week I was frustrated because ‘Carl’ kept asking me over and over when to feed the kids and this week I was justifying my interfering, telling and suggesting what to do when it comes to the kids. I can see now how confusing this must have been for him, sober or not. ‘Carl’ lived in a childhood home with a very controlling and domineering mother so it was natural for him to allow a woman to tell him what to do. I can see how torn I was at the time, wanting to give up the need to control things, especially ‘Carl’, and the false sense of security I got from pursuing control.
The idea that, in my situation, control could possibly be a negative thing had never crossed my mind until I began to attend Al-Anon meetings. I was too busy trying to keep everything together to realize that I was becoming part of the problem. I spent most of my marriage pushing against the controlling nature of my mother-in-law yet I was falling into the same trap. Thankfully I was becoming ready, willing and able to see a better way and to slowly allow ‘Carl’ to just be ‘Carl’. By putting the focus on myself I became more of how I was meant to be as well.
Next week – The 3 C’s and a quick fix
I am a divorce and self esteem coach. I help people to rebuild their personal foundation one brick at a time. I believe that everyone can use their divorce as a catalyst to live their most authentic life.