If you are getting stuck in arguments relationship counselling is a good idea because you soon find out that there is more to understanding what is going on that you may initially think. It's wise to take time to evaluate and reflect before making big decisions; It might come as a surprise to find that you and your partner unconsciously co-create the issues. It takes two. Relationship counselling gives you insights and perspectives on your relationship patterns. These patterns can be strong. It can be too much to expect yourselves to work it out on your own without support. (It's OK to get help ).
Couples counselling provides a structure for you to nourish and build on what works in your relationship. It's easy these days to get tired,stressed, and find yourself focusing on children or work commitments instead of focusing on each other. You may be overlooking what your relationship needs to be in good health.
Relationships typically go through 5 stages:
Attraction - Little effort is required to feeling loving and loved
Maintenance - Getting to know each other through day to day living
Polarisation - Conflicts and arguments arise that create distance
Healing - Conflicts are worked through
Intimacy - Trust and good communication bring security and closeness
Relationships change over time, and it helps us see that periods of conflict are normal and can be worked through (even if you feel despairing right now). It's how you deal with the conflict that counts. Let’s look at each these stages.
Attraction - Feeling Loving and Loved
In the Attraction Stage we usually see the best of each other. We are attracted to our partner’s qualities that compliment us or that we would like more of, in ourselves. Attraction as well as being physical, is based on common values, similar status, shared ambitions and interests also has an unconscious element. Our unconscious attracts us to someone who is “familiar” who fits our unconscious relationship bonding pattern.Relationship counselling helps at this stage if there are fears of things not working out.
Maintenance - Day to Day Living
We get to know each other through the routines of life. It's inevitable that some of the feelings of desire and passion fade. We may face disappointment when our partner doesn't live up to the image we had of them. There is also the good in getting to know the real person. In this stage we might not feel safe enough to be fully ourselves and say what we feel, so we find ways of avoiding major conflict and feeling vulnerable.
We may avoid the big issues out of the fear of losing the love we want. We are comfortably close, yet avoid becoming closer, even though would like to be. For some of us our relationship may look fine on the outside, yet on the inside avoiding communicating to avoid conflict leads to a lack of energy and sexual desire for each other. Maybe there is, that ,'something missing feeling?' ,"I don't feel I am being myself ?", Maybe we would like more passion and grit, and yet we are not sure how to bring it into the relationship. So often the answer seems to be, that it's our partner that needs "to change"; or the answer seems to be outside the relationship. We forget to make time and appreciate each other.
Relationship counselling can help couples in this stage communicate better and feel safe about being authentic about what is important to them. More authenticity and trust brings more life energy to the relationship.
Polarisation - Conflicts and Arguments Create Distance
Polarisation is the stage of conflict, where arguing and strong feelings pull us further apart. It is called the Polarisation stage because differences become a repelling force, making us feel so opposite from our partner. Arguments become unmanageable; issues can't be talked over, and resentment builds. We may be caught up in hurt feelings and begin to distrust our partner. There might be a sense of failure and a longing for things to go back as they were at the beginning of the relationship. Polarisation can be triggered by events such as:-
Making a commitment
Moving in together
Soon after getting married
Around having children
A break of trust
Typically polarisation starts a few years into a marriage or committed relationship where it feels safe to move beyond the maintenance stage. Sometimes a partner attempts to deal with a feeling of disconnection through using pornography, drinking, or having an affair or doing something else that leads to a break of trust.
Our parents or caregivers gave us a template on how to be in relationship. It's where we learned how to, "be loved" and how to, "defend ourselves", from being hurt. Our unconscious bonding patterns are still active now and they seek to re-enact our early life experiences with our partner. The hope is that this time of things turning out differently! Yes, It’s bizarre, yet it's just how our unconscious works! Have you noticed how your partner can push your button like no other person can? Some couples are fortunate in that they can work through or "live with" their bonding patterns in relative harmony without external support.For for many of us, our bonding patterns bring up strong emotions and feelings that are too much to be dealt with alone.
Relationship counselling offers a safe space to understand how you trigger your partner, and they trigger you. You learn how to manage your bonding patterns, so that you can step back, see what is going on, and respond rather than react. You bring back the love and appreciation for each other. You discover that issues can be spoken about and worked through without repeated arguments.
Healing - Conflicts are Worked Through
Healing is a process that happens over time as we learn to include both our strength and vulnerability. We appreciate the limits of what our partner can give us , and how to love and nourish ourselves at the times our partner can’t. We take responsibility for the relationship patterns that are no longer serving us. We learn to risk trusting again. Relationship counselling gives you the opportunity/ skills/ framework to stop blaming each other and work together on the shared bonding pattern. You can, end "the relationship (pattern) as it is” and learn together step-by-step, how to love again from a place of emotional freedom, authentic intimacy, power and choice.
Intimacy - Trust and Good Communication Bring Security
We all want to love and be loved. In order for 'a meeting of hearts' to take place, barriers must be dropped. Intimacy is a challenge for most of us as it requires us to step into the unknown, risk rejection and open our hearts. So often, in moments of intimacy we connect to our past longing and dependency ,which adds to the challenge of staying open. Relationship counselling helps you learn how to emotionally connect to each other so you feel secure that your partner is there for you.
Conclusion
Relationships are a great challenge for most people. Some never dare to discuss with their partner how they really feel inside ( they stay in the Maintenance Stage); Others put up with and conflict and hostility (they stay in Polarisation Stage) or believe the solution is to leave their relationship and start over ( the denial of one's own pattern stage.)
Paradoxically, it's just at the point when everything feels stuck and hopeless, and in crisis, that there is the motivation to face up to what is not working. It’s worth considering relationship counselling if you are stuck in conflicts and arguments that leave you emotionally disconnected from your partner. My experience is that most couples find getting help a relief, and worthwhile.
Richard Cole is a Relationship Counsellor who works at St Pancras Relationship Counselling London .
Richard specializes in Couples Counselling focusing on two areas: working with couples to heal breaks of trust and supporting couples to argue less by learning to emotionally connect through expressing their feelings and needs directly.