People sometimes think they’ve fallen out of love or grown apart. However, it’s more likely that they are evaluating their relationship differently than they have in the past. It’s important to learn how to evaluate your relationship in a balanced manner.
When people are first dating, they tend to experience a certain euphoria that results from pleasure centers in the brain being activated. Falling in love can cause people to see things through rose colored glasses. Science has discovered that this is because the chemicals in the brain actually change when people first fall in love.
These pleasurable emotions make it difficult to see things logically and emotionally at times. A person’s perspective about their partner is influenced by their feelings. This is what causes some people to overlook obvious character flaws or problems, much to the horror of their rational thinking friends and family.
As a couple’s love matures, their pleasure centers in their brain returns to normal. The euphoric high tends to come to an end within a couple of years. Around this time, people tend to begin re-evaluating their relationship. As more years pass, people are constantly making judgments about their partner and their relationship.
The same things that caused people to fall in love initially can sometimes become a turn-off only a few short years later. Although your partner may not have changed, your thinking about your partner is likely to change. As your emotions change, the way you evaluate a situation is likely to be biased. This can lead to people evaluating their relationship from an overly critical standpoint.
For example, Monica and Chad had been married for about five years. When Monica met Chad, one of the factors that she loved about him was his love and commitment toward his family. Chad spent a lot of time with his nieces and nephews, helped out his parents, and made his family a high priority. Monica found this very exciting and attractive. She envisioned him as being a wonderful family man and thought he would make a great father as she pictured them having a family of their own someday.
However, a few years later, things weren’t the way Monica had pictured. Chad was still very devoted to his parents and his family, which now irritated her. She felt like he spent too much time with his family and neglected his own household. Her thoughts about Chad had shifted from, “He’s a wonderfully devoted family man who makes his family a high priority,” to thoughts such as, “He’s a mama’s boy who can’t say no when his mother asks him to do something.” In fact, her thoughts about Chad’s family had changed as well. She initially viewed them as sweet, loving and inviting but now she thought they were needy, demanding, and selfish.
If Monica could find a balance view of thinking about Chad and her marriage, she may feel better about her relationship. For example, instead of thinking that Chad is bad for wanting to spend time with his family and his family is selfish, she could think about how Chad does love his family. Although he doesn’t spend as much time with her as she would like, she could focus on how he is still a good person. It could be also helpful for her to remember that his desire to spend time with his family of origin isn’t new. He was like this when they met and his desire to visit a family is not a negative reflection of their marriage.
Remember that when your emotions are high you may see things as overly positive. However, resist the urge to see things overly negative when your feelings change. Instead, take a step back and try to evaluate the situation from a more balanced perspective as it can improve your outlook on the marriage.
Cedric Benson has provided marriage help to countless married couples.