The Girl at Work

Dear Dr. Neder:

I have liked a woman at my work for sometime now. We were out with others from work one evening and I admitted to her how I felt after getting a little drunk. She was perfectly sober since she was the designated driver. At the same time, she told me that she was also attracted to me, but that she didn’t want a boyfriend at that moment. We wound up making out and dancing all evening.

Since then I’ve felt very confused. I got her number that night but I haven't called her as I planned to give her space due to what she said about not wanting a boyfriend.

What I don't understand is; why did she say she didn't want a boyfriend and then let everything else happen and was even enthusiastic about it?

One more question – she mentioned that she doesn’t really want to date anyone from work because of a bad experience that she had in the past. Is that reasonable? Do you think that’s why she doesn’t want a boyfriend at the moment?

Hello!

Whenever a girl tells you that she "...isn't ready for a relationship..." or "...doesn't want a boyfriend..." big, green flags should go off in your mind. This is actually a very good thing! You'll instantly have your path set and all you need to do is follow it.

What is that path? I’ll explain in a minute, but first, you need some foundation.

Here’s the most important rule I can give you about women: watch their actions - don't listen to their words. Words are women's way of "managing" their situations. They use words to misdirect you away from their real intentions. This is because women don’t want to seem like they’re too interested in you because then YOU have all the power.

Their actions however, DO NOT LIE.

This situation is what I call the "Mini-Test". It's an attempt by this woman to see what would happen if she got into a relationship with you. Would she get to be the girl, or would she have to be the man too - because you're not going to be him. I’m afraid that sitting back and “respecting” her not wanting a boyfriend is the WRONG MESSAGE to send her.

Go back and re-read that paragraph until it really sinks in before you continue.

In my books, I talk about "Pre-Tests", "Mini-Tests" and "The Test". These are all tools that women have in their relationship toolkits that men lack. You need to understand how they work however because you're going to be Tested - constantly. As soon as you learn how to pass these Tests, you're going to be the man women just have to get to know. That's no exaggeration by the way!

This girl was all over you. She IMPLIED what she wanted while trying to misdirect you with words. Women believe deep down that real men should set the pace. They’d rather be with someone that knows what he wants and is willing to express it – even if it doesn’t match what they THINK they want!

Consider this too: women DEFINE themselves by their relationships just as you and I do by our careers. If women are in good, solid, loving relationships, they feel “successful” just as you do when you’re on a career path. How would you feel if you were unemployed? That’s how women feel when they’re not dating anyone.

Thus, you KNOW that her not wanting a boyfriend is garbage. Of course she wants one – but she wants a GREAT one. Can you be him? I think so!

So, she had a bad relationship at work before, eh? Big deal! Boo-hoo! Who hasn’t had bad relationships? You’re not that guy, you didn’t cause the problem and you’re not worried about having bad relationships because you and she are mature enough to handle it – right? All you need to do now is to express this to her.

Here’s how:

First, you need to set up a date with her. Don’t ask her for it however; TELL HER what’s going to happen! When you see her, just walk up and say, “Clear Saturday night, I’ll pick you up at 8.” You don’t even have to say why! Just tell her what you want, be absolutely clear about it – and make sure SHE’S clear about it too. You don’t want her to say, “Oh, I thought you meant FRIDAY night…” or something (more misdirection – see how this works?)

Then, when you see her on Saturday, use my “opening kiss” technique where you walk right up and give her a big, passionate kiss right on the lips even before you say “hello”. This is going to knock her right off her stilettos.

Next, turn on the charm, touch her, challenge her and make her laugh. If she brings up the boyfriend thing again, just say, “Yeah, you’re absolutely right…” and then ignore it! Treat it like she didn’t even say it – because she didn’t! Her actions speak louder than her words, right?

If she brings up the work thing again, just say, “Yeah, I know many guys and girls aren’t mature enough to handle this. It’s too bad that this guy wasn’t, but you and I won’t have that problem because we’re cool.” Then, drop it entirely. All you need to do is simply address her fear, tell her that it’s a non-issue and go back to having a great time.

My brother, as the man, you have certain rights and responsibilities. All women want to know is that YOU know this and you’re ready to deal with it. Then, they let down their guards and feel relieved because they know that they’re with someone that has things handled. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2006, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.