Dear Renee (Love Mechanic),
I met a man at one of your Rapid Social events and I wanted your advice. Is there any way to find out if he is been seeing or dating other women with our scaring him away? He calls me regularly and we date two nights a week and one weekend night. We have fooled around but I don’t sense that we are exclusive. I don’t want to scare him away but only to discover if he is only seeing me? We have been dating for 3 ½ months.
Don’t want to scare him off
Dear don’t want to scare him off,
This is a common challenge in the world of dating. Getting a status report on your current relationship does turn some singles off. My thoughts are if you’re getting intimate, you must be able to communicate openly about your concerns. There are no “rules” for when to play around or not, or what casual sex means to you or him. Every person sets there own standards for what feels comfortable for them in every dating situation.
In some cases once you open up to sex and “fooling around” some people get “energetically bonded” to the other person when there is a connection. That bonding can mean:
* Friendship
* A fling or a budding relationship
Do not assume it means anything “exclusive” unless you both have discussed the subject. Many men write to me about how after “fooling around” with a date, that the woman suddenly expected them to be a “boyfriend”.
This is not true unless a man claims that he wants to see you exclusively. Do not assume he is seeing only you until it has been discussed. Many men are learning to tell women that they are on the hunt for a “wife or long term connection” just to get laid. For some people it is a game to see how soon they can get some action. Observing the way he treats you (in public and alone) combined with how often you see him, if you have met his friends or family, what activities you do together are signals he is getting more involved. If all’s you are getting is late night booty calls… he is not serious.
Suggestion on how to say it! One night while you’re on a date and he is relaxed and you feel connected, you can use this script (add your own words to it) to begin the discussion.
“Steve after 3 ½ months of awesome dating I wanted to ask you if you see this relationship as a friendship or more? I wanted to know, since we have gotten so intimate, if you are seeing or having sex with other partners (so we can keep this relationship honest and not play games). I like you, I am very attracted to you and have enjoyed our few months of dating, and I wanted to know so I can also keep my options open. I am not into pressure or ultimatums, yet I am looking to find a partner to grow with and I think we have some potential… what do you think?"
This conversation is not a pressure cooker but a “Let’s get real” open adult discussion so you can know what is up. If he gets upset, doesn't look you in the eye or pulls back...just let him think about it. Relax. Don’t panic. He may get nrtvous. If he says he’s open to explore, you can say “Let’s try a 2 month (or whatever time frame feels right to you) exclusive dating situation to see if this is we both want…then we can re-explore it in a few months. I just want to feel safe to open up and see if this is right, because I am not sure myself at this time.”
This way it leaves you both free to get out of the relationship after a short time or continue because you want to be together. This “freedom” feeling keeps the relationship fresh so you will focus on each other and discover if you want to go to the next level without feeling like you have to commit to a long term tr;ationship.
I applied this formula with my own relationship and we continually renewed our 3 month “contract” and now we are 3 years married! I knew I liked him, but I wasn't’t into pressuring him and he appreciated that. He was going through a divorce and I knew pressure was not the answer.
I know that if more couples were “laser honest” it would eliminate all this worry, doubt and fear and allow you to be in the moment. People could explore the relationship with an open heart and avoid pain. Be confident, open, with no pressure or desperate “vibes” and speak your mind with a soft caring tone. Men run from pressure and chase women that are confident and don’t put up with games. My new CD series "Secrets into the Minds of Men" ~Lets Talk about SEX, series will help you with all theses issues. Check it out in my Product section online. 3 hours of great info to help you understand the way most men deal with the dating process.
If you have a love or dating question or dilemma please email me at: Renee@lovemechanics.com I will do my best to answer by email or add your question online. If you need more help or some guidance with a dating or love dilemma? Call me for a private coaching session at 310-827-1100. Need a Dating Make Over (Check out my makeovers online at www.RapidDating.com in my media room under TV shows)
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Renee Piane is the author of Love Mechanics, the founder and President of Rapid Dating.com™ Renee is a widely acclaimed and sought-after inspirational speaker and dating coach/consultant whose life’s work is devoted to educating men and women about how to become fulfilled in their own lives, develop lasting relationships and find true love. A popular lecturer, talk-show host & guest, Renee’s work has been featured on CNN, NBC, ABC, The Today Show, Lifetime, KROQ, KISS, and in The Los Angeles Times, The New York Times. Renee was listed the Wall Street Journal as one of the 8 resources for single Men in America and has matched up thousands of couples at her Rapid Dating and Rapid Networking events. Formerly single in L. A., Renee is now married to the man of her dreams.