I heard a great story years ago about a kid whose mom asked him to make her some eggs. She instructed him to scramble one and fry the other. He, being a “good egg” and of course wanting to please his mother, did just that. He stood and beamed proudly before his mother, presenting her with what he understood to be the answer to her heart’s (or stomach’s, if you will) desire; eggs, one scrambled, the other perfectly fried! “Oh. NO!” she protested. “I wanted that one scrambled and the other one fried!” pointing ruthlessly at his obedient offering.
For me, this kind of crazy-making relationship is, at minimum, challenging, not to mention arduous, given all that we each attend to every day.
One point to make here is that most of our lives are full, or at least we perceive them to be filled with many things that are not always easy to manage day in and day out …gracefully and with a sincere, warm smile like in “Gone with the Wind” :0 Nope, most of us tend towards Scarlett O’Hara a little more…streessssssed out, and getting tired of it, too. So how do we go from overwhelm (or, at least, “I am bloody tired and I really want a relationship”) to gracefully finding that one special person who actually does make your load feel lighter?
a) Meet someone you’re attracted to and have sex right away since chemistry is the best indicator of a great choice of partner.
b) Sign up on every online dating service, line up endless dates and then, like a total maniac, unleash your inner daemons and hope one date finds this attractive?
c) Drink alcohol and or take a few sedatives, anti-whatever (because, hey, everyone else does). Go to a bar or nightclub and get your groove going and then just see what happens, because you’re reasoning is in no way impaired…if anything, being high brings out your real self, and tons of people meet their soul mates in bars!
d) Stop...drop and roll?
e) Or maybe STOP, drop in with yourself and see first where you might be leaking some valuable life-force energy. (Hopefully you chose E, because otherwise I would have to slap the crap out of you—in a very loving way, of course.)
Relationship heads-up:
If we don’t have time for ourselves…neither will they.
If we don’t MAKE time for ourselves…neither will they.
If we don’t know how to manage our own lives well…neither will they.
If we do find someone to “take us away from all this,” one or the other gets tired of the burden and eventually the relationship dies. Check the statistics; people who have the fewest relational tools are most likely to have dissatisfying and destructive relationships. Period.
Great Relationship Shortcut (yes, there are a few:
Give yourself what you want from a partner and you’re exponentially more likely to attract a really good one!
And last, having tools and skills are pointless if we don’t use them, so~
Self-Care Tip:
Surround yourself with supportive people and you are more likely to stay on your path of growth and good self-care, and leave what isn’t that behind!
For more information on a having a daily self-care and self-inquiry practice, www.maryannelive.com
Maryanne Comaroto is an internationally known relationship expert, talk show host and author. Her weekly live radio talk show reaches millions of listeners in the U.S. and around the world. Maryanne's philosophy is "Great relationships begin within!" (maryannelive.com)
She leads popular workshops and seminars for men and women (corrcertification.com), and has had a private practice as a clinical hypnotherapist for more than 20 years. She is the author of the award-winning memoir Skinny, Tan and Rich: Unveiling the Myth. Her latest book, Hindsight: What You Need to Know Before You Drop Your Drawers, outlines the 14 critical questions to ask before you get intimate in a relationship and gives the reader six tools for their Relationship Toolbelt.
Maryanne is also the founder of a leading non-profit, The National Action Organization, a 501(c)3 organization committed to changing the way our culture values women.