4 Steps to recovering your self-esteem after the affair

Time has passed and it is now after the affair. You have spent some time thinking about your feelings, trying to put your negative thoughts aside and making an effort to understand your emotions. The initial shock is over, your husband’s cheating is out in the open and people now expect you to take some action. Resist attempts to rush you into making decisions; this is still your life, and whilst you are understandably emotionally rocky, your brain still works, you can think for yourself! You may have stopped crying, but you have taken a bad knock to your self-confidence and self-esteem, and are probably not yet ready to move forward. This is a crucial stage and many marriages are lost because decisions are made while the fires of emotion are still burning. The next stage for you, the victim of this extramarital affair, is to regain your self-confidence. The affair may be over, but the emotional fall out is real and present.

This is your life!
Firstly, understand that nobody else can live your life for you; it is your responsibility, not in a negative sense, quite the opposite. Now, you can decide on the life you truly want to live, defined by you not others, including your husband, he has lost the right to direct your choices! It may be quite a scary thought, that the decisions are yours to take, but it would be better to see it as empowering. After the affair is over, many women have found that a lot of their previous negative way of thinking goes too, they are in charge of their own destiny and that can be life affirming.

Understand what is real
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” Nobody is great at everything, but after the affair is out in the open, many women feel that somehow they have failed in all areas of their lives. Rebuilding your self confidence is about realistic expectations, knowing what you are good at, where your weaknesses lie, and what you can change. The marriage had flaws, all marriages do, and some of those weaknesses you can do something about, if you should so choose.

Fulfill your emotional needs
Before your husband’s infidelity, there may have been many compromises made in areas of your life that were not emotionally satisfying. This does not need to continue, you will have a different perspective after the affair is discovered and possibly feel you have a right to be more selfish. No longer do you have to put up with a life that leaves you chipping away at your self esteem. You probably still love your husband, a marital affair does not always automatically mean the end of love, or even the end of marriage, but was it an emotionally satisfying marriage? Clearly, in some way, it was not for him, but was it for you?

Stop being the victim!
It is now after the affair, be clear that the affair is over, and now, stop playing the injured party. You were hurt; you have a right to be sad, angry, dismayed and distraught, but not weak or pathetic. You are capable of strength; you will need to be, so you have to change your mindset, from victim to victorious. All you need is a helping hand to guide you to the new stronger you.